| 18 sep 2001 "blue moon... you saw me standing alone without a dream in my heart without a love of my own" terrible, terrible sleep last night. it took me like FOREVER to fall asleep, and then, while i was sleeping, i dreamt that i had a hard time falling asleep. double fucking whammy! shit. i can't find out if my flight is still gonna be running in october... i called up travelocity, and they said that they are only able to give schedules for the next 48 hours. *crossed fingers* GRRR. all this fretting and planning for a possible CANCELLED FLIGHT? SHIT! i booked a hotel today. it's this cute bed & breakfast that i found in my _lonely planet_ guide to new york. holy hellfuck! hotels are expensive in new york. this place is gonna cost like $200 a night, and that's not all that uncommon for new york. but anyways, i checked out their website, and the place is CUTE! and what's most impressive is that the reviews said the people who work there are really really friendly and helpful, which is an atmosphere that i'd want. so i sent in an internet reservation but got no reply, so i called them. i talked to this guy named mohammad (i pray he doesn't face any anti-muslim backlash), and he was really nice. is it bad that i also prayed that he wasn't a terrorist? i mean, that's exactly what the backlash is about, right? thinking that EVERY muslim is a terrorist? i feel so ashamed. *hides his head* damn. i hate this reflex to stereotype people. ARRRGH. so. here's a little mini-issue. mohammad told me that they only had one suite left, and it only had ONE bed. but i took it anyway and e-mailed karen about whether she would be uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed. i know this seems like a slimy *evil grin*-type maneuver, but i honestly asked if there were rooms with two beds! i did! i hope you guys believe me, because i would never pull that kind of a stunt where i weasel myself into sharing a bed with a girl. not that i really mind, even if we were just friends, though. i've even shared beds with another guy before. that was in japan, when i got tired of camping out in parks and mountains and shit, so mark and i split a hotel room in kagoshima. it was kinda weird, but hey... once you're asleep it doesn't matter. as long as i don't wake up with his hands between my thights. ha haha ha. did you see _planes, trains and automobiles_? but anyways, yeah. i hope karen's ok with the bedding arrangement. this b&b looks rad. it's right smack in the MIDDLE of times square, and it's across the street from something called "restaurant row" or something. seems like a lively place. once again, *crossed fingers* karen's really busy, i think. exams must have started, and i bet she is cramming like hell. i can't seem to reach her. but i'm hoping that she'll ok the hotel accomodations, so that's one more issue out of the way. back to how expensive this is gonna be... apparently, i like cities and civilization. my favorite places are like paris, tokyo, and now i'm going to new york. my trip to japan cost me around $3000. and i'm estimating that new york (just 6 days, even!) is gonna cost me around $2000. isn't that fucking crazy? $5K on three weeks of vacation! i wonder if it's worth it. i'm not used to taking vacations. like i said, i didn't take any breaks for a few years when i first started working. of course i realize the necessity of getting some r&r every few months, so i'm not upset or anything... i'm just not used to spending money on this kind of stuff. it's like a new breed of expense. i realized. i'm fucking paranoid. not of people hating me, but of situations where things get ugly. like morbid shit. last night, while i was tossing and turning in bed, i kept thinking about situations where i would get killed. like a plane hijacking. or a burglar. or a violent mugging. i couldn't stop running all of those scenarios in my head, and that just really freaked me out. and i'm also worrying too much about new york logistics. i won't bore you with details, because i probably sound like a broken record. i just want the beginning part OVER WITH!! shit. i really need to call the airline after i finish writing this. hm. amms wrote a brief blurb today about how this online journalist group isn't very, um, "together" anymore. when was it together in the first place? *shrug* we only meet up for dim sum or for lucy's, but that's all that ever happened in the first place. personally, i really like all four of the other members... we each have our different styles in how we write our journals, but i think the key here is that we all have a heartfelt desire to keep track of our lives in our own ways, and i dig that. and they're all cool people! but what expectations did i have of these people? i don't know... i have to admit that it was really neat and refreshing and exciting to make new friends, but that's the case whenever you meet new people anyways, right? but i guess i had some little fantasies about how we'd be this little clique that would just meet up and spout conversation all over the place. but as i think i figured out, that whole _friends_ central perk image is kind of a fraud... i don't think it really happens that often. so *shrug* i'm all for meeting them more often, but it's just a little bit of a hassle because three of them live in the city, and adam and i are down south. and the only person who seems impervious to long drives just to see friends is eric. i wish i had his spunk. anything else about this group? hm. i read all of them every day. i like what i read (most of the time, heh.) um... i don't know if it seemed to the others readers out there whether we would all be like superbest friends or something, or just a cool clique, like a mini-brigade or club of sorts. i just wish we lived closer together (or maybe that i lived in the city, but i would NEVER do that because i HATE the city, har har) so that we'd hang out more often. but, i would venture to say this... seeming that we've only known each other (as a collective group) for a few months, i don't expect us to become best buds anytime soon. there's just not enough history, you know what i mean? but that aside, i think there are certain links that are much much stronger than other ones, and unfortunately, i'm not in any of those links. but that doesn't upset me... i'm just happy to make new friends, that's all. hm. that was a couple of rambly paragraphs. i guess i didn't have much to say on the topic, and after chatting with stef and michael during this whole time i've been writing this entry, i don't even know if there's a single coherent thought in here. oh. random thing... yesterday i e-mailed kristie's ex, jason, the guy she went out with after me. apparently, kristie got married recently. ho hum. i don't feel particularly any certain way about it. in fact, for some insane reason, while i was driving home last night, i felt really good about life. and i noticed it as an anomaly because i hadn't been that upbeat about things in a long long time. i don't even remember the last time i felt so happy. i've just been my paranoid neurotic hypochondriac bulimic self-abhoring tourettic self for so long... and the funny thing is, during my little bout of joy, i think the underlying thing was... good music on the radio. i'm bookending this entry on top and on bottom with cowboy junkies lyrics... i lent one of my cowboy junkies cd's to will today... the two quotes are nice contrasts, eh? :) bye! "you're soft as glass and i'm a gentle man we go the sky to talk about and the world to lie upon" |