| 13 sep 2001 neat-o.� my cubicle neighbor chi-kai came into my cube, a little concerned.� it appears that he's been reading my journal!� how weird to have coworkers read what i write, because i guess i never expected it to happen... i'm not particularly bothered, but it's just kind of surreal to have people i know professionally in on my personal life.� *shrug* he was concerned about my entry on september 2, when i had that massive nervous breakdown.� i guess tourette's is really hard to understand, right?� i mean, if you have it, then you'll understand everything i say, but if you don't, you might not get anything i say about it.� it's just a really really weird affliction to have.� and that's why i say i'm a mutant. when my TS is bad, i bitch and moan about it.� but i'm not asking for help, because nothing really can be done.� i just have to face it and get through it with my sleep and smoking regimen.� heh. i'm very grateful that people like chi-kai and other friends who e-mailed me all concerned.� it makes me feel better that people out there care.� (i didn't tell my mom about it because i didn't want her to get worried.)� and i really wish you guys could help, because i am not afraid to ask for help when i think i need it.� in fact, i'm really frustrated that people can't do anything to help me when i have my little implosions.� it's just a fact that it's my own personal war, and i have to face it alone.� it's kinda sad, isn't it? last night, i had a dream that i slept with a guy.� taye diggs.� really really odd dream.� i don't remember any particular sex, but i just remember being close to him in bed or something and sort of freaking out.� that was an early dream, so that's all i can remember. another later dream i had was that adam was directing a cross-sexed p0rn movie.� by "cross-sexed" i mean that all the men had vaginas, and all the women had penises.� it was really odd, and really explicit.� damn, adam!� you animal you... heheehe. i love sleep.� i crave sleep.� i love the feel of my cool pillows and my cool blankets.� lately i've had a routine where i have to have two layers of blankets, and i keep my arms in between the two layers.� i lay on my left side until it gets a little uncomfortable, and then i toss to the other side, and it feels so good that i just sink into my pillow and zonk out.� it's total bliss.� which is probably the reason why i can't get up these mornings.� i've been going to sleep at around 10 or 11 for the past few nights, because it's just so yummy.� besides, there's nothing to watch on tv anyway... just relentless news on the major networks... at least mtv started playing some videos yesterday, but it was nothing i liked. you know what's cool?� jack in the box serves breakfast all day!� so when i grab lunch after basketball tuesdays and thursdays, i usually order a burger/sandwich, and i also get a breakfast sausage croissant.� yum.� you know the best thing about the sausage croissant?� the mayonnaise.� *drool* but beware of eating fast-food mayo.� i've gotten food poisoning a couple of times due to what must have been rotten mayo.� the last time i got food poisoning was at carl's jr., so i haven't been back since.� you know, their ads on tv make their burgers look absolutely irresistible... big, juicy, and they make this delectable sound when the people on tv bite into them.� but... but... when you order them, they're like all shriveled up and puny and flaccid.� it's total fraud!� very disappointing. some people must have really small stomachs.� like rita.� last night, after eating one measly in and out cheeseburger (not even animal style!) and some fries, she kept saying she couldn't eat one puny krispy kreme donut.� and i'm like, "WHATEVER."� everyone has room for one krispy kreme donut, especially if they're HOT (which they were).� what gives?� she reluctantly scarfed one down, and i was like, "see?" so we went to lucy's again last night.� (adam, i hope you're feeling better!)� i dunno, though.� i think we need to find another place to hang out.� eric was saying today there were some awkward silences.� maybe it was because the terrorist attacks were still hanging over our heads.� *shrug*� at least one thing i'm glad about is that we didn't just jump into playing games, and instead we tried to occupy ourselves differently.� we played around with camera and taking pictures of each other.� i think amms might have been bored, because she left for a while to the bathroom (to take a long powerdump?� i dunno). my big push for bowling is kind of a hypocritical one, because that's a game!� sure, it's a little different from scrabble or taboo, but it's still a game nonetheless.� but at least it's something that i'm not terrible at.� i used to be a decent bowler, but i suck now... remember a few weeks ago when i bowled a SEVEN in four frames?� heh.� maybe i should ask for bumper lanes.� adam claims he has his own bowling ball, so i'd like to see him bust it out. i don't really have a point here.� i don't know why last night might have seen awkward or dull.� i was fine.� but i have to admit that i certainly don't have the familiarity that i have with my drawmates, who i've gotten to know for nearly ten years now.� it's hard to beat that kind of history, you know?� but i do think lucy's might be getting old.� there's only so much excitement that can be generated by drinking tea. i like the idea of _friends_, where they always just hang out at the coffee shop and talk.� but i wonder if that's really possible to do on a daily basis.� like my journal has shown, wouldn't we all just run out of things to say?� is that why groups of friends always go out and do activities (like eating, watching movies, amusement park riding, golf, etc.) where the conversation part is actually secondary to another primary interest?� ha!� _friends_ is a fraud, just like carl's jr.! ok.� c'est tout. |