| 12 sep 2001 sigh.� the media blitz is relentless.� for some reason, though, i couldn't stop watching, even though it was all opinions and speculations and rehash... i dunno.� i still find it unbelievable and totally surreal in a way. i tried to get away from it all by switching to mtv, but shit, mtv had stopped all of its normal programming and was providing cbs's news feed.� the upn hour of _friends_ provided a little relief.� i can't believe i'm saying this, but a little bit of baseball highlights might have even been preferable to hearing tom brokaw's (or dan rather or peter jennings) voice over and over again.� argh. i just got back from the post office.� i figured i should do something for some of my friends, so i e-mailed the fall tv preview to emi in japan.� i don't know if she'll get sad that she can't watch any of the good shows (especially _buffy_) over there, but at least i hope it will be nice for her to at least knows what's going on over here in american tv land.� i also mailed my one good tare (the non-battery powered one) to karen.� i hope she likes it.� i had to squoosh it into this little priority mail box.� at least tares are used to being squnched, so it should bounce back to its original form.� they're soooo cute!� sigh.� i should have bought two of them. i slept 13 hours last night.� tired of nothing happy being on tv, i went back to my room, and i shrugged off reading that horrible kundera book and just hopped into bed.� that was 10pm.� i woke up at 11am today.� yeah, i would have gotten up earlier, but i had a doctor's appointment at 11:30 in palo alto, so there was no point in driving all the way to san jose (shit, that rhymed) and back. i saw my neuro today.� he's probably the most laid back doctor i have ever seen.� despite my telling him the horror stories of my breaking down a week and a half ago, he didn't see a need to change my TS treatment regimen.� maybe he's seen it all before, and he knows that i'll just inevitably get some bad spells once in a while.� which isn't comforting to me, because every breakdown i have is one too many. still, though, it's comforting seeing a "specialist."� i don't exhibit as many tics when i'm around him, because i guess i just feel calm and sort of "watched" over.� i know a lot of my TS is psychologically induced.� because if i'm concentrating on something constructive (like when i have the basketball on offense, or when i'm hyperbowling, or during sex even), i don't tic.� i don't even think about it.� so i just wonder if there's any way i can keep myself in this focusing state.� probably not, huh?� *shrug*� oh well. it's kind of weird going to the neuro department.� because most of the patients are older people.� like OLD people.� neuro patients include those with alzheimer's or parkinson's or something like that, so i'm usually the only silly lad in my 20's in the waiting room.� it makes me feel like there's something incredibly... um... prematurely wrong with me.� funny thing, though... at the place i go to, the neuro department is combined with... the podiatry department!� yup.� brains and feet.� sounds like some funky culinary delicacy. so... i'm wondering if karen and i should go to new york in three weeks.� i mean, it's gonna be pretty depressing, right?� visiting the site of a recent terrorist attack... *shiver*� i wonder how the city will behave so soon after what happened yesterday... i know it's all about going back to life as if things were normal, but could you really do that? i don't think i'm going back to normal any time soon.� like adam repeatedly said yesterday, "everything's changed."� i can't put my finger on it.� i mean, the oklahoma city bombing didn't really affect me in any way, probably because i was just too apathetic to care.� but this... this crazy shit that happened in new york... it really hit me hard.� i mean, i know i worry about small-scale shit like muggings and murders and stuff... but this is the first time i've witnessed something so terribly huge that it defies my comprehension.� and all i know is that i'm shaken by it, and this isn't the type of stuff that i will easily forget.� every time i step on a plane (and i already HATE flying) i'll think it will be my last flight.� like i've said before, fear is a terrible thing... it grips you and controls you and makes you paranoid.� but the whole point is, the paranoia is justified now. so back to this vacation... should i go?� would i be able to enjoy myself?� i think i'll die of unfulfilled anticipation if karen and i just cancel our vacation together... i've already stopped my life (in a way) just waiting to see what's gonna happen.� i GOTTA see her!� yeah.� i'll give her a call soon enough and talk things over. i had a dream about karine last night.� she was mocking my journal.� heh. i think one of the things that i used to write about that made for an interesting read was all my feelings about kristie.� all that regret and nostalgia and even longing... stuff that i got over back in june.� it must be kinda neat to see someone so tortured over his past.� sorry, folks, but i don't think i'm gonna be doing that anymore, i don't think. but i wonder... is it more interesting when i'm all bothered and stuff?� in the absence of any self-created or manufactured mental drama, what is there for me to report about my life?� absolutely nothing!� i don't create memories or stories fast enough for me to keep writing this much every single weekday, so i'm contemplating changing the format of my journal. so basically, i think i'm getting really close to just writing when i feel like it... so i'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to thoughts to put on paper.� either that, or i write a lot less.� which is preferable?� daily doses of tidbits, or sporadic rants at length?� *ponder* i wonder what it is.� as in, what has made my brain so clean and devoid of material.� michael says everybody has downtimes, but shit, man, if he ever had a downtime, it'd just mean he'd write HALF a shitload rather than a full-sized shitload.� i don't get how he puts out so much stuff. every once in a while, when i'm driving someplace, or after a smoke and i'm walking down a hallway or something, i get this flash of inspiration.� a moment where i'm actually motivated or happy or inspired to do something great with my life.� but soon after, once i plop in my seat at my desk or collapse in the living room futon, that flicker of life disappears.� and i'm back to my lazy-ass self. i just wish i could bottle that energy up.� and save it.� like accumulate enough of the little bursts of passion so i could have enough of it go burn and just for one day, or even one hour, i could do something great.� but... *sigh* |