| 10 sep 2001 ah. whopper junior. ever since i heard jay and stef extol the virtues of the whopper junior, i've pretty much stayed away from the full-size whopper. yeah, sometimes the whopper is too much; the whopper junior is just enough flaccid burger mass to keep it good. but of course, to get my fill of food, i have to order something else... so i usually pick an order of mozarella sticks or jalepeno poppers to fill me up. but today... i'm purposely keeping my lunch intake down... because today is INDIAN FOOD NIGHT! yay! so good, so scrumptious, so yummy! i admire eric for his willingness to drive all over the bay area to see his friends. shit, after meeting up with him and others for dim sum all the way up in daly city, i drove back down all tired from being in the car. but damn, he went down to gombei in menlo park last night to meet some of his friends for dinner! i guess that only meant one long drive and back for him, but... the whole point of this is that alan called me yesterday about doing something in the city, and i just declined because the thought of making two trips up north kind of turned me off to the whole deal. and i felt bad, because you know, i love hanging out with alan and stuff, and driving shouldn't be such a big deal. massive guilt. so. i need more energy! i need more pizzazz and spunk when it comes to little drives like that. a 40-mile trek shouldn't be such a big deal, right? if it means i get to see some of my best friends? hm. but yeah, this haldol is kicking my ass. after i got back from dim sum at noon, i decided to take a little catnap. which wound up lasting for FIVE hours. yup. i woke up at 5pm. but i am glad i woke up when i did, because i got to watch nfl primetime on espn. yahoo! the football season has started! (well, my beloved cowboys suck this year, so... i don't have a hometown team to root for.) but it's so good to hear the voices of chris berman and tom jackson again. they're like long lost seasonal friends who only pop up during the fall... *sigh* so i wound up watching the titans/dolphins game last night because i missed football so much. i don't particularly like either team. jeremy says that it's harder and harder to root for teams now because the rosters keep changing, and it's easier to cheer on particular players. so in this case, i was cheering with eddie george... which was kinda sad because he had an awful rushing outing against the dolphins defense. in fact, the entire titans offense sucked last night. i don't know when i got into sports. well, actually, i do know... after i started working, i found myself watching more and more espn at night simply because i didn't have anything better to do. so in essence, boredom is the reason why i started watching. and i do believe that a lot of guys become sports encyclopaedias simply because they have nothing better to do... the lives of professional athletes become vicarious existences for us chumps with too much time on our hands. now, if only i could get into baseball, because this summer period without college basketball or football is quite unbearable. i remember this promise i made to myself a long time ago... i was hanging out with kristen at the stanford teahouse. kristen was this girl in taiko i had a moderate-sized crush on (yes, yes, another K girl to keep track of, heh), and we were talking about being silly. and we said that we should never EVER lose our silly personas. so i made a promise to myself that night to stay wacky. it seems i've lost track of that... i don't know if it's my age or my medicated sedated brain, but i just don't have that edge anymore. damn! i like that quote, "you have to grow old, but you don't have to grow up," but i dunno... i just don't seem to have the capability of self-combustion that i was known for back in school. damn. i'm sleepy now. really sleepy. rahul (my coworker, who's peering over my shoulder right now) wants to know why i'm always so ass-tired. maybe it's my overpowering laziness. or, it could be as simple as my meds. *shrug* or both. i dunno. but it's quite powerful shit. ARGH. i even drink a lot of caffeine! heh. are routines good or bad? i mean, it's nice ot have some structure in your life, but i wonder at what points when routines become massive drags. because after a while, you just go through the routine without any conviction... it becomes easy to coast by and just do things brainlessly and heartlessly... you become completely detached from your life. i'm really lucky i am an engineer, because coasting is quite possible in this venue. say, if i were a teacher, or if i were a doctor, there is NO way i could get by without being alert the entire time on the job. so it's a lucky coincidence that i chose a career that fits my laziness. and it makes me respect doctors and teachers much more for what they have to go through. like my roommate jay, for example... he holds people's lives in his hands, literally! if he fucked up a surgery, his patients are hosed. it must be a lot of pressure, you know? whereas there can be days when i come into work and do nothing but IM and web surfing, and i still get paid and all that... it makes me feel kinda guilty, no doubt. one of the guys at dim sum yesterday, david, talked about how he was mugged in san francisco after leaving work late. he seemed kind of amused by the whole incident, and i don't understand his levity. i mean, damn! you just got confronted with possible violence, and these people stole your money! i'd be shitting in my pants after that, and i'd be afraid fo walking the streets! i admire people who have that kind of resiliency, because i know i'd be like scarred for life. i am so delicate in the face of potential trauma. heh. so i'm praying that nothing bad happens to me in new york. people keep telling me the two sides of the story... one, that it's actually pretty safe in new york, but yes, people do get mugged and killed and stuff. it's NOT comforting. thanks gg for the calvin and hobbes cartoon! it's nice to know you're out there reading. neat. after this entry (or rather, the next one, i guess), my journal HTML files (excluding the pictures, of course) will be over a megabyte in size. that's a lot of writing i've done! heh. i still wonder, though, how long i'll keep doing this. while i appreciate the brain enema that writing does for me, i don't like the way it's affected my e-mail writing. i know this is kind of depressing and fatalistic, but do you wonder about how things will end? like, for instance, i can't imagine myself writing in this journal forever, so i wonder about the circumstances that will make me stop. maybe i'll get into trouble with something i say. or maybe i'll simply wind up with nothing to write about. *shrug* in relationships, i always said that i have to go in them thinking that there's a future. and in order for an indefinite future to exist, that has to include marriage. otherwise, i don't see a point in relationships. it's unfair to the other person for you to string them along for your own amusement. unless it's like one of those consentual "fuck buddy" situations where you both use each other for sex or something for a certain period of time. but that's not a real relationship anyway, so i'm not talking about that. so. i never think about relationships as in "oh, IF we last a year." or "IF we make it." because in my mind, we will always make it. and i hope i'm still this way forever. i want to always have the faith that any girl i wind up going out with has staying power. i don't want to lose that belief that things will always work out. i know that it will mean i'm more vulnerable and things hurt me more if they do end, but... i think it will ultimately result in more happiness that all the pain that came in between. why? because someday i will be RIGHT. boy. this was a scatterbrained entry. when will i put out a good coherent entry? *sigh* |