| 8 sep 2001 "h to the izz-o, v to the izz-a" yeah. so i didn't write yesterday. boo fucking hoo. i was in a miserable state after upping my haldol dosage to 2mgs. basically, haldol makes me sedate, so i was in a comatose state a mere 3 hours after i woke up. i went home at 2pm and just slept until like 6pm. so basically, as of 6pm, i had slept for 15 of the previous 18 hours. damn! crazy, huh? also, i haven't felt like i have anything to say. nothing good like beauty or toothbrushes of last week. with this tourette's madness, i've become quite one-dimensional... all i worry about is my TS, and nothing else crosses my mind. no thoughts. no feelings. just numbness and fear. so that's why i haven't been writing well this past week. today was better, though. i dragged my ass out and did stuff today. i did an old ritual of mine, which was to go down my cell phone directory and just call people i hadn't talked to in a while. so i wound up hanging out with old taiko friend sonya this afternoon. i got some yumyum burritos at baja fresh, and cruised el camino. ha! cruising el camino! i drove up and down for a while until i decided to hit the stanford oval. we walked around the quad for a bit, just talking. it was a beautiful day outside. sonya's the healthiest girl i know. she fucking does triathlons and shit, which is amazing. she's vegetarian, too, and whenever i see her, it's like she's got this radiant glow about her. and she's got drama, too! lots of guy action at her swimming pool. i won't get her in trouble, heh. but i'm just glad she's getting some drama action. everybody needs drama. i just got back from the stanford football game. stanford beat boston college 38-22. yup. i'm not a really big fan of watching sporting events live, because i just like the comfort of my own living room. i like the freedom to take smokes in between, to take a leak without having to face any crowds, to fix some food for myself, etc. but it was really good to get out and hang out with kate and jeremy. but damn. i felt old. i just don't have that spunk like i used to. that fervor and that energy that undergrads have is really wonderful to behold. where the hell did my spirit go? how did i get so old so fast? holy hell. i have to say though... young undergrads girls are hella cute. what happened? i don't remember there being that many attractive girls when i was in college. are there really more cute girls these days? or is their youth that attracts me? i think i'm finally at the age where i am noticeably older than college students. which is sad, because i think of all age categories, the college days are the best. a friend of mine said that he gets depressed looking at the class notes in the back of the stanford magazine... because when he scans the older classes, all he sees are the effects and consequences of age... marriage, kids, grandkids, and finally, deaths. apparently that doesn't excite him as far as what the future is going to bring. i kinda agree. while i am excited about the prospect of having a family and the challenge of raising my kids, i don't think there will be anything in my future that will make me feel young again. young and invigorated and just full of zest for life. i dunno. am i really that jaded? cynical? worn out at the tender age of 25? say it ain't fuckin' so! hot damn! the christopher walken SNL is on! i'm definitely recording the cowbell skit. oh yeah. you remember how i hyped up the MTV video music awards on thursday night? well, it fucking sucked. jamie foxx is a horrible host, and the bands and songs were just boring. the only performances i liked were by linkin park and staind. oh well. sigh. no cool thoughts for the past two days. i hope the cause is my preoccupation with my tourette's and not the more serious problem, which is the fact that i may have run out of thoughts. wouldn't that be sad? this journal would be like one of those intimate relationships where in the end, you just run out of stories and stuff to say. i have hit that wall in all of my previous long-term relationships. remember that story where kristie and i had one lunch without saying a single word to each other? that just makes me super sad. is it possible to be with someone who knows almost everything about you, and yet you still have words left for each other every single day? i certainly hope so. one day... but i think one of the secrets to that ongoing conversation is to keep your present life interesting, so you're always creating more stories to tell. the problem, is, though, that these stories have to occur separately from the other person... you have to have your own space, your own sphere where you can develop separate experiences that you can relay later. because ultimately, i do believe that if you keep just going back to your history to dig up things to say, you will eventually exhaust your material. why am i so big on stories? because they are little packaged nuggets of words... ways to reveal snippets of your life in digestable quantities. each of us is a well of thoughts and memories and experiences, and the way to relay these bits of your life are through stories. oh! i got my package from karen today! she sent me a little bag of guatemalan coffee. hm. how the hell am i supposed to use this? do i have to buy an espresso machine? maybe i'll take it to work. but more importantly is a few pictures of her that she included... maybe i'll post one of these up so you can know what she looks like, but more importantly, i'm so glad to catch these little glimpses of her. i don't see karen often, so every time i get a picture of her, it just causes my blood to rush and my pulse to quicken. *sigh* i really dig this girl. can't, just CAN'T fucking wait until our trip. i'm trying to not stress out about it, but it's pretty obvious i have a mountainload of hopes for something to happen between us, eh? yeah. i think it's pretty blatant. it's been a long time coming. "if he were a coworker, i'd be like, 'ooh, he's cute!" but since he's a ROCK STAR, i expect a little more" |