| 5 sep 2001 "guess what?� i got a FEVER!� and the only prescription... is MORE COWBELL!" sigh.� that was probably my favorite SNL skit of recent memory.� christopher walken is so cool. chi-kai told me that some dogs are so emotionally upset that they are anorexic.� that is sad sad stuff.� i got so upset that i had to leave.� poor puppies.� i mean, with people and stuff, you can talk through the problems and try to help them, but dogs!� that don't eat?� that's just totally unnatural and sad. so i have a new talent... puking at will.� i know, it's not really a marketable skill.� but i'll tell you this story i told eric.� it's kinda gross, but i found it gruesomely amusing. so basically, last week, after eating like TWO BOWLS of instant kimchi ramen, i was taking a dump on the crapper.� and i suddenly got the urge to puke, so i did.� while sitting on the toilet.� my plan was to regurge just a little, but it was so much that when i puked in my hand, i had to swallow some of it and leave the rest in my right palm.� so i'm sitting there, with nasty barf matter in my hand, and i have to wipe my ass with my left hand, stand up all bare-assed, dump the barfage in the toilet, and wipe my right hand with toilet paper.� man, that hand stunk for the rest of the day, no matter how much i washed it.� good thing nobody at lucy's (this must have been last friday then) was interested in smelling my hand.� heh.� gross story, huh? but yeah.� i can puke at will.� *flex* mtv video music awards are tomorrow.� 8pm.� i'm rooting for fat boy slim's video (NINE nominations) of their "weapon of choice."� have you seen it?� it features christopher walken sitting in a hotel, and he just starts dancing.� it's amazing stuff.� walken is a good dancer... apparently he's been dancing for years on broadway and stuff. i'm fascinated by the mtv awards shows because they're so much more fun than the pristine oscar's and grammy's.� crazy shit happens.� like that time when the rage against the machine guy staged a protest last year by climbing up on the stage setup.� or when the nirvana guitarist threw his guitar up in the air, and it landed on his face.� shit like that.� i'm hoping to watch it with kate.� i think of all my friends, she watches the most mtv.� probably not as much as me, but enough to know what's going on. oh.� _real world_ was yesterday.� lori and rachel finally confronted coral and nicole about what bitches and bullies they are.� i'm surprised they took it so well.� i cracked up when adam was fucking with coral, and they were ragging on each other.� adam was like, "dude.� if we were in the desert, i'd trade you for some fuckin' camels."� no one ever stands up to coral, and it was great to see someone put her in her place. _real world_ just emphasizes how important it is to be a civil and open-minded person.� it reminds me what it takes to be able to get along with people that you live with... tolerance, congeniality, the ability to overlook differences, the willingness to tackle problems up front, etc.� it's definitely not always easy to mesh your personality with those of other people in close quarter. which makes me wonder how i'd be able to live with my wife/family and not self-destruct under the weight of my pet peeves.� i asked my mom how she deals with it in her marriage, and she replied, "keep one eye shut."� which i thought was kinda sad, but at the same time, i thought it was really wise and practical.� everyone has to have something that bugs you at some point in time, and the trick, i guess, is to not let it bug you.� i know i have that problem, because i can dwell on things (i'm neurotic like that), so i know it's something i have to work on.� *shrug* so, in the aftermath of my little nervous breakdown on saturday, there are several things i need to tackle.� the most immediate is controlling my tics.� so i started seeing my chiro again, and i'll see my neuro on wednesday.� hopefully chiro will keep prevent any nerve pinching and stuff like that, and i'm upping the dosage of haldol to see if that will limit the frequency of my tics. but much deeper than that is my search for the underlying stress that made me freak out.� i know that my japan trip was no help to my disposition because of all that tourguiding pressure in tokyo, but i think that i'm also stressing a little too much about my trip with karen.� i've already vented my fears about seeing her, so i know that i just have to chill out and take things as they come.� which is MUCH easier said than done, of course... i'm psycho about worrying about things.� which really makes me believe that smoking out regularly would do me some good.� not that i would, but... haha. i have to have reasons for why i behave.� i won't accept that i'll have to suffer these nervous breakdowns for no apparent reason.� because then i'll feel like i have no control over my life.� i will not stand for being at the mercy of whimsical self-detonations like that.� so it's up to me to dig and dig and find the root of all this stress that i feel.� maybe i should see a psychologist or something.� get some of that hypno-action and rummage through the dark recesses of my mind and figure out exactly all the shit i'm subconsciously freaking out about. i wonder how many people in this world need therapy.� i guess i just never wanted to admit that maybe i'm one of them. there's this show on mtv called _flipped_ where they take people like bigots and prejudiced people (anti-fat, anti-nerd, etc.) and put them in reversed situations, i.e. dress them up like dorks or in a fat suit, so they can see what it's like to be on the other side.� and at the end of the episode, they all realize how wrong they are, blah blah blah. my question is... are people really that malleable?� granted, the people i've seen are like teenagers and stuff, but are teenagers that easily swayed?� would the show now work if they took people in their 20's or 30's?� at what time do our opinions settle and harden?� or are they always able to be influenced?� while i admire the show for teaching these people to be tolerant, it just seems a little contrived in how stark the 180 degree turnaround is. if you had a kid, and you could only choose one trait, would you rather have the kid be smart?� or popular?� you know, i used to think this is a no-brainer, but i'm not so sure now.� my main goal is to have my kid be happy.� and given those two choices, i think that being popular leads to happiness more often than being smart.� *shrug*� just a thought.� those two are certainly not mutually exclusive. i'm having a lot of weird girl dreams now.� no, no sex, but definitely some kissing, and last night, there was a scrabble dream of sorts.� i was playing the game, and it was like a parallel universe thing (i guess that was from watching this physics show on PBS) where i played my turn twice in different space-time continuums.� and karen was evaluating me based on my scrabble performance.� in one case, she blew me off, and in another case, she was interested in me from the way i played.� i guess it's clear to me what that dream shows about my anxiety from this new york trip.� neat.� i like it when dreams make sense. "and it's been awhile since i could look at myself straight and it's been awhile since i said i'm sorry and it's been awhile since i've seen the way the candle lights your face and it's been awhile but i can still remember just the way you taste" |