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| 2 sep 2001 "you think you know, but you have no idea..." i fucking hate myself. on paper, yesterday was one of the best days of 2001.� i played 18 holes of golf with my buds jay, alan, and peter, and afterwards, we head up to the city for a 10-person gathering, where all but one of the faces present were faces that i loved and had grown up with.� we were stanford buddies.� and i love these people. the picture above is cool cat peter (on the left), and FIVE of the eight drawgroup members that i've grown to adore: next to peter, it's jay, alan, me, jack, and jeremy.� along with their respective girlfriends and wives, we ten head out to brothers for some crazy good korean food.� i haven't had korean food since... shit... since korea house in sunnyvale burned down about two years ago.� i opted to wait HALF AN HOUR longer than everyone else to get my food, because i ordered the kal-bi jim, which is this delectable rib casserole.� yum.� (despite the fact that the grease got to me later, and i had to puke up a little bit.� just a little) after dinner, we head up to jack and amy's place in twin peaks, pretty much near the top.� the view of the city is pretty amazing despite the fog that had settled.� we could see the red/white lit artery of market street, the bay bridge, and other landmarks like the blue smear of the sony metreon. afterwards, we did some hyper bowling at metreon, which looks really stupid, but turns out to be actually decent fun with a slight touch of monotony (TEN frames of this stuff?)� heh.� and while the others decided to hang out at rainbow's place afterwards, peter and i drove back down the peninsula early, around midnight. ok.� so it was a beautiful day.� we haven't gotten together like this in like forever... so the magnitude of the event did not escape me... but... ...it was pretty much the worst day of my life in almost a year.� because of my god damn motherfucking tourette's. imagine having a little twitch that causes so much pain it feels like your neck is on fire, and that fire shoots up the base of your skull and lands like a huge rubberband snap on the side of your skull.� imagine not being able to control it, and every minute of every single fucking waking moment, you get this overwhelming urge to do it.� imagine the anxiety that you feel when you anticipate all that pain over something you cannot control.� now you realize that if you don't move... if you don't move a single muscle, if you don't talk, if you just FREEZE your body, you _might_ be able to hold it off for just a while.� now how the fuck will you behave?� can you even fathom the depthless anxiety and fear that you have which each passing second? so, basically, by the 4th hole of golf (way early in the long day), i was already at that breaking point.� my body had basically shut off.� i hardly said anything after that.� i walked with a slow, deliberate pace, with my head held low.� i had this blank, even pained expression on my face that prompted many of my friends to repeatedly ask me if i was ok.� i was just really fucked up. the only things that i can consciously do to escape the horrors of my tourettes are: sleep and smoking.� which is why i smoked about ten cigarettes yesterday.� alan noticed that i was smoking a lot.� when my friends asked me what was wrong, i just said, "i'm tired."� later on, i told people that my neck was bothering me, but still... that just doesn't make sense, right?� a sore neck shouldn't cause someone to shut down like i did.� but i just didn't want to tell them, "my tourette's has basically replaced all the happiness should be feeling with fear.� and i can't get out of this fucking HELL until i go to sleep tonight." i do not wish tourette's on anyone.� i know it's a far far benign affliction compared to other shit that's out there, but still... TS is capable of turning life into a nightmare.� dealing with TS is by far the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. i wish i were going through this for a purpose.� i wish i had a martyr tag on me that said that the reason why i have to suffer through this shit is that it makes the world a better place, that some people are benefiting from my traumas.� i want an explanation and a justification for this shit... i am angry.� angry for being dealt this freak of nature disorder, angry for not being able to fight it.� just plain fucking angry.� i find that during the horror days of TS, i am consumed with hate.� hate for everything, especially myself.� i am a fucking mutant.� in this incapacitated state, how can i do anything meaningful?� how can i function?� how can i love?� i just feel so DEFECTIVE. fuck!� yesterday should have been a day that i would have remembered for all the greatness and beauty that happened.� but instead, not only did i not enjoy it for all that it was, the time i spent with my best friends was shrouded in the black tint of knowing that i did not make the most out of it, that i was saddled with my personal hell of fear and anxiety, and i could not fight it. after peter dropped me off, i staggered back to my place... did the usual routine... brush my teeth, took my seeming ineffectual psycho pills, and just collapsed in bed.� i was so upset that i tried to cry, but instead... i just felt numb.� as my neck expanded and relaxed due to not having to bear the weight of my head, i let out a big sigh... yesterday is just another day.� life will not be like this forever.� there will be better days... yet.. it's times like yesterday that i realize that life can be complete shit sometimes.� and if i didn't have the hope that things would change... if every single day is going to haunt me like yesterday did... i would rather pass on life.� it's just not worth it. september has not gotten off to a good start. |