| 18 oct 2001 dude.� reminder to self: music to get: nelly furtado, linkin park, staind. felicity got a hickey from noel!� i laughed when i saw that big pink blotch on her neck.� (by the way, i'm talking about the show _felicity_, not anybody that i know in real life.)� what the fuck is up with hickeys?� they seemed to all the rage when we were freshmen... couples would hook up, and they'd be sporting the red badge of necksucking the next day, forced to either bare it for everyone to see or wear a scarf or turtleneck. what the hell would drive someone to suck on your neck so hard it causes a big red welt of blood to bubble near the surface?� if i recall correctly, it doesn't exactly feel good to the person on the receiving end, and it doesn't exactly feel natural to give one, either. i think i've only gotten one in my life.� kristie sucked the fuck out of my neck, and the next day, some people in my freshman dorm spotted it on me, and they tackled me to the floor in order to get a better look.� i think matt peered at the pseudo-bloody mess, and looked over at kristie, and gave an approving "dude.� you did a good job" look to her, which invariably caused kristie to get all embarassed and run away. heh.� i think i've only given one my entire life.� and i was asked to.� it was like, "hey.� give me a hickey."� and i was like, "uh.� i've never given one."� and she said, "well, try!"� so i obliged.� i swear.� i don't get it. oddly enough, after freshman year, people became more civilized when it came to necksucking.� i mean, i understand that the neck is an erogenous zone and stuff, but... damn.� why why why?� *shakes his head*� i just don't understand it. while watching _felicity_ last night, i started reading parts of my freshman year journal.� honestly, i can't stand that show.� i've said before that they should rename it to _dysfunction_ or something like that, because shit is always going down on that show.� someone cheats on another, someone blows up, someone gets in a fight, blah blah blah.� i really don't know why i watch it, but i do. but anyways, i was such a passionate kid back in freshman year.� i started it on october 30, 1992.� i always said that i started it because i realized that so much cool shit was happening that i didn't want to forget it.� but looking back, the real reason why i kept that journal was because of kristie.� i guess 10/30/92 was the day i realized that i really liked her. and i read a couple of entries where i had these huge emotional swings, and i wrote that i didn't understand why i was going through such crazy times.� but now, it's so obvious to me... my mood depended proportionally to how much i saw kristie, and how we interacted.� i guess i was too dumb and naive to realize what was going on with my heart affecting my mood. but that got me thinking... are my days of being supermegarollercoastery over?� where the hell has all my passion and excitement gone?� i swear, even though i say i still experience crazy mood swings over women and stuff, it's nothing compared to the magnitudes i went through freshman year.� and as destructive and scary as it was, i still think that i'd prefer to live that way... like 100% AMPLIFIED. so what happens when you feel like you've had the most intense most satisfying relationship of your life, and it's over?� what do you do?� do you look for something like that again?� but the problem is, can you even feel that way again with someone else?� because so much of your intensity was linked to THAT person, not just to any random person.� and if you can't be as in love as you were, what does that say about any future relationship?� is it fair to the other person if you can't honestly say that you're as crazy as you once were? big big issues. what happens when you've already reached cosmic happiness? doesn't life afterwards become just one HUGE anticlimax? but my answer would be that yes, maybe i'm not as intense and nuts over a person.� but that may be a good thing.� because i'm more realistic and capable of dealing with things without having these crazy wild mood swings.� which, are ultimately very very bad for a relationship, i think.� as much fun as it seems like, it's only pleasant and amusing to look at when it's in the past.� i swear, the shit i went through over kristie was definitely not fun when i was going through it. so maybe we're supposed to turn down the volume on our hearts as we get older and mature.� maybe?� hm.� *ponder*� part of me believes it.� but part of me just wants to get all fucked up over a girl again.� probably because i'm kinda still a kid.� and i'm still an extremist. i guess my life is still interesting.� but instead of going through really happy and really sad phases, i'm just stuck with feeling really sad and really apathetic.� great.� fucking great.� that sucks.� where's the happiness? i was asking that question last night while i was lying in bed.� and i just got incredibly depressed.� really dark.� and unhappy.� fortunately, i felt fine after waking up, but "fine" these days simply means that i am settled in my usual state of ennui.� great.� ennui is my norm?� fuck that. dude.� check out michael's blog.� i have to say, i like it.� it's so much lighter than his dark journal.� but DUDE.� on his 411 page, he says, "get me in bed, and i will fucking blow your mind.� period."� ???!!� wow.� that's a bold statement if i've ever heard one.� either he has some uber-jedi tantric powers, or he has a magic wand schlong of orgasmic ecstasy.� or both.� when someone makes that kind of claim, it makes me want to find out if he's for real.� no, i'm not saying i want to fuck him, but hell, i'd watch a video of him in action or something.� or i'd interview his girlfriend.� *shrug*� but anyways, i'm all for him pleasing his women/woman.� the world needs good sex, that's for sure. it's always amusing to see a person smacktalk.� because people who are as confident as michael are pretty rare, i guess. i'm not sure i'd want a big tub like him, though.� i'd rather have a big shower the double heads and a little ledge to sit on.� shower romps galore! nice.� this entry came out pretty easy.� it feels like i just took a really satisfying dump. i'll get heading down to LA tomorrow for alex's wedding.� i don't know if i'll have time to write an entry, but i guess i'll try.� shit.� i gotta remember to crash diet so i can fit into my suit.� but as fate has it, it's indian food tonight at the office.� fuck me. |