| 15 oct 2001 "i'm hooked on a feeilng high on believing that you're in love with me" it was an incredibly bittersweet weekend. with the reunion and stuff, i saw some of my old buddies once again... people that i haven't seen in years. so it was fun and all and nostalgic and everything, but now... they're all gone again, back to their regular lives, and i'm just sitting here, missing them. reunions like this are such teases... they tantalize you with feeling like you're back "home" again, only to yank the people's presence away just when you start to get used to having them around. *blech* i could tell that i was kind of bummed yesterday. because i slept 16 hours. i met some of my friends for brunch at hobee's, and came back and just slept. that's a telltale sign that i'm bummed out or bored. well, in this case, it was the former. *sigh* but for the most part, aside from the close-knit group of friends that i have, the reunion events were rather surreal... seeing all these faces that i sort of recognized, but not enough to go over and talk to them... it was like being at stanford again, but with everyone dressed slightly better and looking a lot older... people with receding hairlines, beer gut paunches... kind of depressing. (lost my train of thought) i just came back from another gorgefest at in n' out burger. yup. i ordered another 2x4 once again. ewwwww. i had to drive, too, so i had to fight off the food coma tendencies. *sigh* but yeah. i miss my friends. i'm still fortunate enough to have quite a few of my good friends around the area, so i shouldn't bitch that much just yet. i felt little pangs of jealousy when i saw stanford-bred couples together at the reunion. i guess it reminds me of my fading possibility to fulfill my stanford fetish. i dunno. i just really like the idea of a shared college history. like the idea that we would be able to take walks around the campus and stuff and both be able to revel in the fact that one singular place provided us both with countless memories and stuff. *shrug* oh well. i hate these kinds of expectations that i have. they do nothing but diminish my enjoyment of life by being a source of disappointment. and for what? what's the point of having expectations? who the hell comes up with ideas of what should be like, and what crazy things should happy for life to be valuable? hrmph. i don't get it. oh. something that jay told me last week... so i was telling him how i changed a lot in college... how i was such a loner before coming to stanford, and how i changed into a people-loving relationship-craving person soon afterwards. and he said simply, "yeah. of course! because you discovered SEX!" and i laughed, but you know, there is definitely a truth in that. not so much sex "sex," but intimacy in general... yeah, so i agreed with him. and i wondered... how much of life do we not know about? like, what i mean is, if we didn't find out certain things about life, we'd still be happy, right? that whole "ignorance is bliss" thing. i think i believe it. i do think that the more i don't know about life, the more likely i'll be happy. but at the same time, i do want to know about as much as possible, because i do think life is about the pursuit of knowledge and truth. i think one of the nirvanas of life is knowing what you know and still being happy and content in the knowledge. does that make sense? my dad tells me that he'd be happy being a monk. i know he doesn't mean to demean me and my mom and my family, but he said that he'd be perfectly happy not having to deal with having a wife and kids. that's a pretty bold statement i think, because at my present state, i think i need a family for me to feel complete. my dad must have also learned about my travails with karen, because he called me up last night, and admonished me for being so cuckoo over girls. he told me sternly to just pursue my own goals and forget about women. to which i laughed. i know my dad cares about me, it's just that sometimes he says funny stuff. it was right after that when he told me what a pain in the ass a family and kids are... and he said that right in front of my mom. sheesh! my dad's such a character. it's like he has no censorship mechanism on his mouth. i called karen last night. left a message. *hrmph* she did e-mail me back, though. she said that she did indeed think about all the stuff that happened in new york, blah blah blah. but like i said, when she thinks about stuff, i just think she does it for thinking's sake... she's not trying to reach some sort of solution or anything. but anyways, i dunno. i'm planning on hiking up to the stanford dish one of these days and just think. i do my best thinking at the dish... it used to be place of comfort and solace when i wanted some peace and lucidity back at school. the last time i went to the dish, i thought and thought and finally decided to quit my job at teralogic. this time, i want to figure out what karen means to me now... since i now know she's not a perfect person, i need to find out what i still think about us being the "perfect" couple and stuff... because i still can't seem to let go of that... probably because i've been thinking that way for such a long time. and finally, i need to decide what i want to do with her in the future... yup. and i'm looking forward to the hike up there... the dish never fails to fill me with energy and peace at the same time. you know what's sad? the fact that more and more of my friends are getting married... and just based on statistics, some of them will get divorced... that bums me out, because i like all the couples that i know right now. so i'm thinking... for the 10th year reunion, there will be divorces and stuff in addition to new marriages. but we all agree that the biggest thing will be... kids! *shiver* i doubt i'll have kids by the next reunion, but i'm certain that some of my friends will. isn't that UNREAL? sheesh man... ok. writing this entry felt like passing a kidneystone or something. painful and slow. i had best go. ciao! |