| 12 oct 2001 "turn it inside out so i can see the part of you that's drifting over me and when i wake you're never there but when i sleep you're everywhere you're everywhere... 'cause you're everywhere to me and when i close my eyes it's you i see you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone... you're in everyone i see so tell me... do you see me?" michelle branch is hot. yup. i spied her video playing in new york at this h&m store. while the girls were shopping, i just watched the video monitors and enjoyed the music videos that were playing. i also like that new nelly furtado song... it's sassy! i feel like i'm a phoenix or something... i get all toasted to itsy bitsy pieces of ash by my silly girl dramas, and within days, i get back up and try to feel whole again. and i'm doing a pretty good job, i think... i mean... just last week i was floored by the whole karen thing, and now... well, in not so many words, now i feel like i have some semblance of direction again. ah, drama... at the heart of the matter is getting rid of my expectations. with karen, i had this whole life planned around her... how life would take us a certain way, blah blah blah. and little things seemed to give indications that something seemed right between us... but they were stupid things! like the fact that she went to stanford, the fact that her name started with 'k', etc. dumb things that really don't have any importance, with the exception of making a cute story. but really... love just pops up randomly in most cases. it takes you by surprise, when you're not looking. it could be just under your nose, not there for you to recognize maybe in the very beginning, until it grows and becomes non-negligible. it could be nothing like you expected, and that, in itself, is poetic. and it's always that good... well, because, frankly, love itself is poetic. i've been sleeping pretty well (except for the fact that i can't get out of bed), meaning that it doesn't take me that long to fall asleep. remember that after coming back from japan, i was pretty much an insomniac for a while. but after this new york trip, i've been able to conk out pretty soundly and pretty swiftly. except for last night. damn. yeah, i've been fantasizing again. *sigh* but for the first time, it wasn't about karen. anyways, the big weekend festivities are about to happen. finally, my 5th year stanford reunion is going to get underway this weekend. shit. and i forgot to bring my camera to work, which means i have to stop by home first before i do anything else. oh! and i need to get my dogtags. i can't wait to get off work. i'm probably having dinner with a group of my college buddies, and *oooh* that excites me. heh. i love my friends. dude. just look at my journal. it seems to revolve around women, doesn't it? i mean, there's my pangs over kristie, my hopes over karen, that crush on amabelle, the aftermath of jo-ann, blah blah blah. i was glossing over my life in this past year, and i just laughed, because i realized... i must have ADD (attention deficit disorder) or something. heheehe. last night, jay, margaret, and i were scanning through the reunion class book, where everyone gets to contribute a page reporting on how their lives have progressed since graduation. and like i said before, about a quarter of the people who submitted pages are now married. and i have some conflicting feelings about that. first, i'm kinda jealous. especially when they met in college, because that just seems to be too cute for words... college sweethearts! so yeah, i'm kind of envious of that. but, the other feeling is that i know that a decent number of these so-called "perfect" and happy couples are gonna get divorced. just by statistics. it's not like i have any ill will towards any of these people. but anyways, that makes me sad. i hate how love is not permanent. and it's gonna wreck some of the lives in that book. yuck. how terrible. here's another random karen thought. there were two times when she was lying on my shoulder in bed, and i just played with her body. you know, the standard stroking her arms, playing with her hands, kissing her hair. karen remarked about how affectionate and touchy feely i am. and i was like, "THIS IS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!" it made me wonder if she's never gotten used to the idea of couples doing this, and that kind of made me sad for her. i love exploring women's bodies. i think the ultimate beauty lies in their softness. shit. i got distracted. i just found out that sony came out with their dsc-p5 digital camera. i have the p1, and although i like it, it has a problem focusing in low-light. well, it just sucks in low-light, basically. the p5 seems to do better in low-light situations, and it has a focus-assist lamp. *drool* shit. now i'm faced with a quandary. should i go out and by the new model? god damn it. i hate finding out stuff like that. sometimes i really think ignorance is bliss. i would have been totally happy with my camera (well, as happy as i can be) if i didn't know that there was something possibly better out there. well, that's just life, isn't it? how we're all just greedy greedy bastards when it comes to looking for the best thing out there? shiiiit. why can't we ever just be happy with what we've got already? daaamn. ugh. i can be so materialistic sometimes. and i hate that. well... that's that for this week. it was interesting, mulling over the whole karen situation, but now i think i'm done doing that. it might pop up once in a while, like in an "fuck me... i lost this dream girl" kind of way, but whatever. i'm ok now. life is not life with drama! *snort* |