 |
|
 |
| 11 oct 2001 "we shouldn't be afraid of the future... it's just time, isn't it?" while karen and her friend airie saw rent on thursday night, i stayed home because i thought i was gonna meet up with clare.� unfortunately, that fell through, because she had to work until 8pm, and she had to go to some sleepover birthday party for her sister.� which is really too bad, because i _really_ wanted to meet clare and report to you all how cool and sexy she was and everything.� *shrug*� well, clare will just have to come out here to the bay area one of these days, right? but the one show i did see was blue man group, which was something i had wanted to see for a couple of years now.� i like pop art.� i like modern art.� because it's easy to understand.� like jackson pollock.� just a splattering of sensory stimuli, and i just sit back and absorb it in.� it's like chaos that i can appreciate.� but anyways, blue man was a good mix of some music, some humor, and all packaged in a very cool wordless format.� too bad i they didn't let me take any pictures of the show, because some of the pictures would have turned out really cool. that picture on the right is of karen at the metropolitan museum of art.� i think it's very quintessential karen: relaxed, serene, cute, surveying the crowd, watching, and... alone.� it's the karen that i know, and the karen that i love.� wonders how i think that she's perfect when she's alone, yet i wanted something _together_ with her.� it all goes back to my concerns of tampering with beauty by introducing myself as a factor into its existence. so stef IM'ed me today and said that she was really concerned for me.� why?� because she said she read my entry from yesterday.� whoops.� i came across as really sad in that entry, didn't i?� well, i was, but i'll tell you this: i'm a lot more dramatic in my journals than i am in real life.� i mean, i'm kind of heartbroken and all about what happened in new york, but frankly, i'll get over it.� i think my dealings and failings with jo-ann last year prepared me really well for this disappointment that i'm feeling with karen.� and i'm definitely looking ahead into the future right now.� and even though it scares me, i do still have hope for a beautiful and ultimately happy existence down the stretch. so what now...? i hate waiting to see what happens in my life.� which is totally the wrong attitude, because i know that life is about the journey, and not about reaching some destination.� but still... i would be so much more at ease if i just knew that i would be all right and happy in the future.� and this wait is killing me. i was thinking yesterday... this whole karen hype really must have been quite a spectacle for you readers, huh?� seeing me get all worked up and ultimately flattened by this girl? so i decided that i'm not gonna just blurt out my state of mind the next time i start liking someone.� i'm not gonna announce "hey i have a new letter to write on my mirror!" or any shit like that.� yup.� sorry, folks.� not that i think i fucked things up by writing about karen (or even amabelle), but i just think i'd rather keep some things private from now on. but that said, i know that i'll still have some relapses in revealing my personal life, because i just can't help it... i like being an exhibitionist, what can i say... karen found it weird that i had a stanford fetish.� meaning that i had a thing for stanford women.� and that whole thing was a shame because she's pretty much the last stanford girl that i liked.� let's see... after her, there's really only one other girl from school that i developed a fancy for... and that was letitia, but we don't talk anymore, and we never became great friends or anything.� so i think it's also time to let go of this crazy fetish of mine.� i guess i had great expectations of winding up with a girl from stanford, because then i'd be able to say that we met in school, and for some reason, that just seems like a sweet story to tell... because it suggests something about having a common history that started off rather early in life. but yeah... i need to get it in my head that little coincidences and facts (like the fact that we both went to school together, or the fact that her name starts with a 'k', shit like that)... really don't mean anything.� who really cares?� sure, it's kind of cute and stuff, to recognize patterns and say, "oh, it must have been FATE then."� but of course, like i said, fate is out of the book for me now, in this post-karen life, and i gotta start living life realistically, i guess. ok.� latest chat topic with rita:� when is it the right time to have "the talk?"� well, i answered with a non-answer:� i said that in my relationships, i've never had to have the talk.� that things just happened, and i just understood that we were in a relationship without having to confirm that with words.� and i think that's the sweetest way to go. case in point: with karine, we hooked up the last day of classes before winter break.� ok.� kinda weird.� kinda awkward the morning after, when i walked her back to her dorm and didn't know what to say.� i didn't know what was going to happen after the break.� but school started up again in january, and she came over, and after some chit-chat (non-"talk" stuff), we kissed and hugged.� it felt right.� and we just understood that we were now together, and she stayed over that night.� i don't even remember if i asked her if she wanted to sleep in the same bed; i seem to recall that it was just implicitly understood.� and that was cool and beautiful.� without words, we knew that we wanted to be together.� and that's the way i think it should be. that said, i do think the talk is important if there are underlying issues and conflicts.� like if someone is not sure what the other person is thinking.� or if there is a difference in emotional commitment.� you know... to hash out the differences and make the expectations clear.� i just think that in the best case, both of the people already understand what is going on, and they both want the relationship... indefinitely.� in that case, no talk is needed.� IMHO. in all of my successful relationships, i have never needed the talk.� but the downside of that is that because of the lack of words, i had to go by gauging the other person's actions to see if she was interested, and that's always kind of vague and ambiguous.� without direct questioning, it's downright difficult to tell if the girl is ready for a full-blown relationship, and that has caused me no end of fretting and worrying and freaking out.� talk about a fucking rollercoaster. so, in the end, i just wait until i'm pretty much sure that something will happen.� and the problem with that is that sometimes i wait REALLY long.� in fact, i've had girls tell me that they had been waiting like FOREVER for me to kiss them.� in their words, they were like, "you know, if you had kissed me THAT OTHER DAY (long long time ago), i would have kissed you back already."� heh.� don't i feel sheepish and lame... *shrug*� to each his own.� that is my way of operating.� unfortunately, though, in my more recent post-college experiences, i've depended more on words, and coincidentally, none of those pursuits have worked out for me.� i guess things just weren't quite right in those cases.� which kinda bugs me, that my lucky streaks and stuff seems to have reversed themselves.� so i'm hoping that i'm ripe for an overturn sometime in the near future. i do think that good relationships (the best kinds) develop without much discussion.� but i think that i'm just too impatient these days to let them happen on their own... so i just blurt out shit under the guise of being "bold" and "honest."� *shrug*� whatever.� i know i should be patient. "i just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself you were never there for me to express how i felt i just stuffed it down... ...i never meant to fade..." |