| 10 oct 2001 hm. it's hard to get out of bed once again. yesterday, because i thought i had a meeting at 10 or something, i actually got up at like 9:45 or something... and that is pretty much unheard of lately, because i had been usually getting up at some time past 11am. i love the fact that the weather is cold, and i can just snuggle into my pillows in the brisk morning temperatures (i always keep my windows open, at least just a sliver). i think i'm depressed. *shrug* it's not like suicidal or anything, so don't worry. i just feel a bit numb. stef just IM'ed me and asked if i have talked to karen since coming back from NYC. i haven't. i did listen to a message she left me a few weeks ago (i saved it on the answering machine)... it was about her thanking me for mailing out the tare panda to her. and i was thinking (as i listened to it) how sweet and friendly and kind she was, and how that side of her seemed to disappear the longer i got to know her in new york. and that kinda REALLY bugs me. i mean, what kind of person becomes less endearing and loveable the closer you get to them? or maybe because of the conflict between us, she became colder on purpose? i have no idea. and i'll ask her the next time i talk to her. i decided that i really don't understand her. i'd like to... but i just don't right now. maybe i'm still in shock over her dual personality thing that i witnessed. it's pretty much utterly confusing. oh well. ugh. i feel sick. i just got back from a burger king greasefest. jalepeno poppers, fries, and a whopper with cheese... with EXTRA mayo. ack. it tasted good going down, but now i feel sick. no, no barf yet. i'm trying to keep the yacking at a minimum, but i've been throwing up every nice since i got back from new york. tonight is the season premiere for both _dawson's_ and _felicity_. while i'm glad that i have some new tv to watch, it doesn't make me feel good about my personal development. i wonder how i would do without a television. i think i'd feel a bit bored, but i know it would kick my ass and force me to go out more and hang out with friends. *shrug* or maybe i'd just stay home and sleep my time away. maybe. while i was having my last smoke of the day last night, i realized that i missed emi terribly. i miss having a girl i can just talk to without having relationship pangs get in the way. she's my little sister! all those sunday nights of telephoning... *sigh* they were really great times. i had aspirations of making karen my sunday night conversationalist, but right now, things are a little too messy for that... we'll see... i'll try calling her this weekend if i'm not busy with class reunion stuff... i definitely want to see what she thinks about this personality change issue that i'm struggling with. see... on one hand, karen's told me that she feels close enough to me to tell me very personal things about her and her family and stuff. yet, she just grew more and more distant. maybe it's because she didn't want to lead me on. i can understand that. but what i don't understand is how you can feel close to someone and not exhibit any sign of... um, hm. i can't put it into words, i guess. maybe i'm expecting more of a physical draw on her part. i dunno. all i know is that i feel attraction for those who i feel i can trust and confide in. hm. maybe i take it back. that's not always true. ack! thinking too much! hee he. anyways... i'm not too psyched about the 5-year reunion. supposedly the big thing is the party at tresidder friday night. but the thing is, the friends that i would want to hang out with and chat with are already the friends i have... and i still see them... there are very very few people who i haven't seen that i want to see... you know? *sigh* anyway. i'm looking forward to at least getting together with the buddies that i do have. life can get really tiring sometimes. so i'm stuck here. i hit a writing wall. and i'm currently bitching about it to rita. she's like, "just let it flow!" and i'm like, "dude. the faucet's turned on, but nothing's coming out!" *sigh* i guess in terms of karen (i bet you guys are tired of this subject), i don't quite know what to do. because i've got options here. i could forget about her and move on. i could just put her in the back of my mind and see where life takes us. i could move to fucking HOUSTON and pursue her from there. i think my problem is that i got no closure out of karen. it's not like she just told me flat out, "NO. it's not going to work." it's not like she's marrying anybody (the ultimate closure for me). so i'm just kinda dangling here. like that whole "anything can happen" statement that she handed me... what the fuck? gee, thanks. *hrmph* closure is psychologically invaluable. for me, anyways. i am obssessive and crazy enough to keep hanging on by my short bitten fingernails indefinitely. so i depend on hard, brutal, truthful statements to slap me into giving up. and while i can appreciate that such a thing from karen would be helpful in me getting on with my life, a part of me doesn't want it just yet... not that i LIKE dangling, but i don't want to forget about her just yet. it's a weird sort of masochism. have you realized by now that i'm a really unhealthy person? wonders how i haven't realized that fact fully and make efforts to change myself. but i'm not sure if i can change. i've always been obssessive. and i've always been a drama-queen. an extremist. a wallower. i guess i'd say i like my life amplified. or maybe i don't _like_ it. that's just how i operate. maybe someday i'll just break down and have to commit myself to an existence in a straitjacket somewhere in a mental institution. funny thing is, during high school, there were other "smart" kids in neighboring high schools that i was compared to sometimes. and a couple of them went nuts. like i heard one of them thought and thought, and he figured out that he didn't exist or something crazy like that. and people were waiting for me to have the same kinds of meltdowns. but i never did. but now, i just wonder if timing's right for me to self-destruct as well. i certainly put enough unnecessary stress and pressure on myself. i mean, i've got quite an easy life! i have a nice-paying job, i have a place to live, i get free dinners at work, i have a cool roommate and beautiful friends... a healthy family, blah blah blah. why am i so worried about stuff? why am i so neurotic? i KNOW i should take it easy. i just can't. argggh. i shouldn't be this unhappy. *shrug* i just don't have the energy to fight it. i swear, if i could, i'd be crying all the time. |