| 9 oct 2001 last night, as i was having my pre-going-to-bed smoke on the balcony, i had this brief flash of euphoria... and what's notable about it is that i had been feeling pretty shitty for most of the day, missing karen and wanting karen and blah blah blah.� but... i had checked my e-mail, i had seen the monday night football highlights on espn (damn, the rams look good so far)... and while i smoked my lucky strike, i just felt... free. ...like i was free from karen's spell.� for that moment, i felt like life was incredibly lucid and clear. of course, i can't recapture that feeling now, so...� *shrug*� just wanted to tell you guys that. i went home and had dinner (pho and pearl milk tea, *yum*) with my roommie jay, which may sound like a commonplace thing, but it isn't... i rarely have any meals with him, especially on the weekdays.� and i hadn't seen him since last sunday or monday or something, so it was good to finally see his grinning face again. we had a pretty good conversation over dinner and pmt.� of course, the bulk of it was about karen and what i was feeling.� and jay made me see that maybe i don't really like her anymore... that i just think i should because i have grown accustomed to my unjustified affection.� i don't know, though.� i don't want to believe that just yet.� like i said, the idea of karen has become a good friend of mine, and it's always hard to let go of something like that even though it probably makes sense. and from the stories i told jay about how karen acts, he said she sounded "mean."� i know karen means well with her brutal honesty and constant challenging and prodding.� she says she is honest with her friends because it's more um... "efficient"� or something like that.� let me see how she tried to explain it.� basically, she doesn't see the point of being saccharine sweet and roundabout with her friends, because she just wants to get to the truth with her close friends.� i guess another way of putting it is that she doesn't see the point to playing nice social games with her friends.� i don't know if i'm making sense. but my point is... she may have a point there, but sometimes i just want to feel PLEASANT around my friends.� i don't mind the silly joking stuff.� i don't mind being nice to each other.� and i certainly don't mind not being grilled about my belief structure and my ideologies all the time.� *shrug*� i just like having a good time with my friends, even if it's not a totally deep and truth-seeking affair, you know? but anyways, i mentioned that i had misgivings about karen's personality being able to handle a relationship.� because a strong personality like hers usually needs to be toned down and smoothed out a bit in order to coexist with another person.� i wonder... she would probably vehemently disagree with what i just said.� but that's my point... relationships are largely about compromise...� i'm not saying that we just give up our personalities and become docile SHEEP or anything, but i am saying that we have to start being considerate and accomodating to a certain extent. and jay mentioned that i probably wouldn't want to be the first one to tackle karen if i knew she had to change.� because the patience and the frustration would probably kill me.� i didn't disagree.� but i would still be willing to give it a shot.� no, i'm not saying that i think of karen as a "project."� nor am i saying that i like challenges.� it's just that i still feel like i like her THAT much. i think i take it back.� karen may not have a "strong" personality.� i think a better word for it is "self-righteous."� ooh.� no wait.� that sounds really bad.� hm.� *shrug*� i just think she's unaware of the effect that she can have on people, or she doesn't care. does it sound like i still love this girl?� when i am criticizing her?� hm.� i guess in some ways, i'm being like her... just brutally honest.� heh. but anyways... jay told me about the crazy shit that went down at alex's bachelor party.� damn.� vegas.� that happened last saturday, when i as in new york.� alan (who also went) called me up right before the "nighttime festivities" were about to begin.� heeheehe.� of all my friends, i knew that alex would have the raunchiest bachelor party.� and i had this gut feeling that it would coincide with my new york trip... but hey... it's ok.� at least it was fun to hear what happened.� no, i'm not going to talk about it.� :) i had a long chat with clara yesterday... it was only the second time i had chatted with her on AIM.� but it was really cool.� she apparently likes pretty colors for her text.� the first time, it was this lilac/lavender color, and this time, it was this really bright blue. but anyways, we were talking about whether looks were important.� and i think the answer is obvious.� that they are.� and it's not a shallow thing, either.� i think the entire package is important... looks, personality, blah blah blah.� and why do we have to feel guilty about aesthetic beauty?� because it's only skin deep?� because it's arbitrary who gets to look good and who doesn't?� because beauty fades and is ultimately superficial?� *shrug*� who gives a shit?� the whole world is basically built around aesthetics... products are designed to catch our eyes because it is a universal fact that we are attracted to pretty things.� duh. but i'm not saying that everyone is supposed to look like a model.� that's not what i mean.� i'm just saying that we should find people who we find beautiful, both on the outside and the inside.� and there's nothing wrong with placing some value on external beauty. back to the conversation with jay... we were sitting outside verde cafe drinking our pearl milk teas, and i had a cigarette.� and i just remember it being really comfortable.� and i was very surprised and pleased that jay and i could share our opinions honestly about girls and love and all that.� i say "surprised" not because i don't think we're good friends, but because we just haven't had the opportunity to just sit down and chat about stuff at length in a long time... the last time i had strong feeling about a conversation with jay was back in sophomore year, when he had broken up with lan, and i had broken up with kristie.� we just vented about women, and i just happened to remember that conversation vividly. jay also mentioned that a friend of his (who is a woman) told him that the universal truth according to women is that "no never means no."� that "no" never means complete closure, just that the man has to find another way to get inside.� hm.� i have a hard time believing that.� it's a little too optimistic and anti-final for me to swallow.� and there are obvious scenarios (like rape) where "no" means just that.� ok.� maybe i'm taking it bit too far.� *shrug* i know that i could pursue karen if i really wanted to continue.� hell... i could MOVE to houston!� ha!� but i won't.� and the real question now is... do i want to? somehow, this whole deal with her seems ugly now.� tainted.� imperfect.� unbalanced.� reality sure does put weird spins on life.� or, maybe, fantasy makes life too artificially perfect.� yeah.� i think that's about right. |