| 8 oct 2001 "dizzy i'm so dizzy my head is spinning like a whirlpool it never ends and it's you girl making it spin you're making me dizzy" reality bites. it fucking sucks. after i took showers in the hotel, despite the talk that i had with karen, despite the fact that she destroyed me, i still wrote "k" on the mirror mist when i got out of the shower. it was a habit, firmly engrained on my mind. and a reflection that i just couldn't let go that easily. but... the last night, i got out, dried myself off, and just stared at the mirror. usually, i can see the previous initials still imprinted on the mirror, but being that this was a hotel, they must have cleaned the mirrors every day. and i ruefully thought of it as life symbolically preventing me from being with karen by removing the "k" that i wrote on it every day. and that last night...i wrote nothing. rita told me today, "you have no more crushes." and as insignificant as that may seem to you readers, it means the world to me. i HAVE to have a girl on my mind. it's how i've lived ever since i was FOUR years old... and the few times that i have had nothing to write on the mirror... i've been terribly depressed. people (like rita, adam, and will) tell me to focus on myself. to be happy by myself. and i am. i can occupy myself just fine, thank you. well, maybe not as well as i used to be able to (seeing as i've lost most of my hobbies), but i'm still content with solitude. hell, i grew up practically an only child, so i'm quite used to the idea and the feeling of being alone. in fact, i used to be fiercely independent. but i just decided one day (at stanford) that life is meant to be lived in pairs. that i am ready to accept another person in my personal and intimate sphere. that i am here on this planet to make another person happy. i guess you could say that i have changed quite a bit, no? karen was this fantasy figure for me for the better part of seven years. she was this person who i thought fit into my life perfectly. and the reality is, she's not. she's not my soulmate. we think completely differently about a lot of nontrivial things. and i went into this trip to new york with her knowing that i would ultimately find out how we would mesh together. and now i have a much better idea... i think we would have some fierce disagreements. i think we would fight sometimes, and get annoyed at each other. yet... the thing is... despite our differences... i still love her. i accept her completely. and this love is so much more valuable and meaningful... because instead of being grounded in worthless fancy, it is _REAL_. it's based on who she IS, and not on who i _think_ she is. that's some serious shit! there have been only three women in my life that have inspired me to be a better person. kristie, jo-ann, and karen. they are rare people. because they are better than me. don't get me wrong... i am not judging people here, and i'm not saying that other people are "worse" than me... so maybe "better" isn't quite the right word... maybe what i'm trying to say is that these three women made me want to live life "better" and develop my being and try to become so much greater than i am. and that's a terribly precious thing. and of all the reasons, that is why i love karen so much... because she would make me a better person. however, i don't know what i could offer her. and that makes me feel very small next to her. one of the biggest differences between me and her is that she has a very evolved social consciousness. she cares about the world and the state it's in... and most importantly, she cares about improving the world. i was pretty much raised to be apathetic... my parents never had the news on... except to show me how horrifying and dangerous the world was... they were never activists or crusaders of any sort... and while i'm not blaming my parents for not cultivating this part of me (because i could have totally developed a social conscience of my own), i'm just thinking back to how my environment has shaped me today. but yeah... back to my point... i think i would let karen down. and that breaks my heart. especially when i want to make her happy and just as inspired by me as i am by her. i told her that i have yet to vote in any election, and she found it sad and pathetic. she has no idea how upset and disappointed in myself her comments made me. i feel like my life has been reset. like someone unplugged my power cord and plugged me back in to the wall, and i'm just flashing "12:00" over and over. like all these plans and aspirations i had with karen have been erased, and now i've blinked and realized that i have nothing. it's a very haunting emptiness. yes. i am selfish. and demanding. and amazingly ridiculously unjustifably idealistic. but i want to be happy, you know? i guess i just ask for crazy shit sometimes. (once again, i reiterate how hard it is to be coherent when i try to write these entries while on AIM. i'm chatting with will and rita right now.) *shrug* yes, i am glad that i went on this trip, despite all the heartbreak and disappointment and devastation. i would rather know right now about the reality of the situation rather than continue my life in the twisted delusion that somehow karen and i were a perfect couple. yet, it just hurts because that delusion was such a good friend to me during rough times...that even though it was ultimately unhealthy for me to think about her the way i did, it ironically kept me sane and healthy. weird, huh? life is just so odd and backwards sometimes. no crushes. no more karen. *shiver* that really scares the shit out of me. history and habit are hard things to get rid of. i feel like i'm stepping into this great black scary unknown world. hence that whole "reset" feeling. gack. well. it's getting better. as tortured as i seem, i'm actually feeling ok right now. i just wanted to lay all my "wallowing" thoughts down on paper before i forget how i have felt for the past week. it's certainly been the biggest drama of 2001. and i said that i wanted drama, right? heh. be careful of what you wish for. *rueful sneer* i asked karen what she thought would eventually happen between us. and she said, "anything could happen." and i told her today that's just too zen for me. while it means something and it's not totally bad, it almost pretty much means nothing at the same time. not very comforting. and the sad thing is, i think that's as much comfort as she can possible give me right now. no, i don't blame her... she has her present med school worries and her life to deal with, and she has no reason at all to accomodate me into her life... ...hm. i'm just tired of being disappointed. i've had it lucky in love in the beginning.. first kristie, then grace, and then karine. but i'm starting to build up a losing streak... jo-ann last year, and now karen. it doesn't feel good. i know you think i'm whining. life will get better. i'll find someone i absolutely love. i have faith in that. but right now, karen is the only one i want, and i want her NOW. yes. i am a big fucking baby. karen already told me that numerous times. hee. rita had a scribble about feeling the full range of emotions, like on a 1-10 scale. you probably know by now that i'm a full-range kind of guy. and i am glad i'm like this... i do love life and all the drama and rollercoaster crap that i go through. it's just that i've gotten more of the deep lows than i need... and i'm ready for some ecstatic euphoria. it's about time. i feel like i need to suffer for my happiness. a weird kind of martyr syndrome. like all the lows will eventually amplify the high that i will ultimately feel, and make it all the more worthwhile and satisfying. yeah. i dunno. i'm weird like that. life isn't so bad. but i am definitely in a place i haven't been before in a long long time... wanting love, and not being sure at all now of where i can find it. "and if the darkness is to keep us apart and if the daylight feels like it's a long way off and if your glass heart should crack before the second you turn back oh no, be strong walk on" |