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| 7 oct 2001 i have so much to say.� and yet i have nothing to say. we can't be together. we are such different people. i love her. and i am afraid of how long it will take for me to get over her. i arrived in la guardia airport and took the shuttle over to the us airways terminal to meet karen and her friend airie.� i gave her a big hug around her pink buttondown, and opted not to give her the kiss on the forehead that i had planned... because her friend was right there standing next to us. after we checked into the hotel, the bellhop showed us our room, and noted that there was a foldout bed as well as the queen-sized bed in the main room.� i said we didn't need the 2nd bed, and he responded sheepishly, "well, you never know... you might have a fight or something."� i found that rather amusing that he thought we were a couple. after eating dinner at some random diner near 34th street or something, i heard some random people commenting about a recent shooting nearby.� that sure made me feel secure in new york; i do fret a lot about my own safety, don't i?� like i said before, i get my paranoia from my parents. as karen and i lay in bed watching tv, i was mulling over how i would bring up the subject of us.� but... being the amazingly brutally honest girl that she is, she pre-empted with, "we should have a talk.� do you have any expectations?" wow.� she rocks.� we had a really open and honest conversation that night.� of course i had expectations.� you journal readers know that... how i have been dreaming of karen since the 4th entry of my journal back in march, how i called her my "girl of destiny."� and so on. but then she blew me apart by saying that the long distance would never work.� and that was about it.� of course, the realistic side of me understood... how the hell could we start a relationship from scratch with her being halfway across the continental united states?� it wasn't fair to push my crazy ideas of romance on her... it was downright selfish, seeing that i had all these pent-up feelings for her and demanded that she commit the same emotions to me. you know how i had been fantasizing this whole time about this trip, and what might happen?� i imagined us getting together, becoming this magical couple destined and ordained by fate... i told eric that i had these dangerous expectations of finding a SOULMATE in this trip.� yup.� i'm fucking crazy, aren't i?� just setting myself up for a massive letdown. the surprising thing was that karen had thought about us as well.� and her friends were excited that something might happen between us.� she even said frankly that she thought about us having sex.� which really blew my mind of the water; she was thinking about us! but to my dismay, her thoughts were simply thoughts... i don't think they were wishes... just pure fanciful elements of wonderment that came with an active imagination... completely different my own thoughts, which were filled with expectation and longing. i laughed during the conversation.� i realized that there was probably no way i could ever convince karen to love me like the way i loved her... and i just started laughing.� there was no other reaction... you know how sometimes things hit you so hard and so badly that all you can do is chuckle at how life is dealing you a shit hand? as that first talk came to an end, karen rolled over on her back and said matter-of-factly, "but we should mess around anyway." once again, she rocks.� she's so honest and direct that sometimes i really don't know how to react. and we hooked up that night.� no sex.� just kisses. and that killed me.� on one hand, i knew i had to do it... i had longed for a moment of intimacy with this girl for such a long time... to refuse it would have been utter foolishness.� yet... to have this girl... karen... so close to me, yet so.� fucking.� far... so far from where i wanted her heart and mind to be... that destroyed me. as she lay on my shoulder, and as i stroked her face and arms and hands and gave into the overwhelming desires to kiss her sweet smelling hair... i promised myself never to forget what it felt like to have karen near me... because this is probably the closest i will ever get to her. she breaks my fucking heart. and it's pretty much my own fault. no one gave me the green light to hold her up on a pedestal.� no one told me that i should have hung my ultimate hopes of a soulmate on her shoulders... that every time i was single, i should have always pined for her... saying, "well, the final consolation and glory is that a life with karen is still possible." it was my own grand delusion.� it's my responsibility.� and my lunacy. and yet... living without her in the back of my mind... it scares the living shit out of me.� hope is a precious thing to have, and for the first time since i can remember, i don't have it. i have no letter to write on my bathroom mirror. and that makes me feel absolutely empty inside. (continued tomorrow...) |