| 6 oct 2001 *sigh* so yesterday morning, at 9am, my mom calls me and tells me she's been reading my journal. and she was feeling bad for me because of my laments and wailings about my job loss and all that. and i felt a mix of emotions. well, i have to admit that i was sort of grouchy because i was woken up (9am is just too early for me to have a coherent brain). but i was glad that she was reading. i know that if i had a kid, i'd definitely be reading his journal every day because i want to keep up with his life. but i also think that i'd be a little distanced because i want him to experience his emotions and his life on his own, free from judgment or admonishment. but anyways... yeah. having my parents read me is a new development. i'm surprised it took so long, but we'll see how it goes. i definitely want them to know what's going on in my life. i went to teralogic (my company before vivace) to play basketball. i swear, i play horrible defense. i think my teammates, especially jp, were mad at me. but anyways, afterwards, i went into the office to see how things were going. and there was this sort of buzz there, because i guess people know that i've been laid off. apparently, my old bosses have already discussed the fact that they'd probably like to have me back there, and i might not even have to interview! i don't know what to say. i'm flattered that they think of me so highly. it feels good to be respected and liked and all that... and for that reason, i think that there is a little pull for me to go back to the company. what's holding me back? i guess it's just that i still don't think the company has a bright future, in terms of revenue and liquidity and all that. one of my old buddies, nishit, stopped by, with his full beard and stuff. he said that i should go back because i have a lot of friends there. and that made an impression on me because i do feel like i'm sort of, hm, er... "at home" with the company. i mean, i did work there for almost three full years. and even though my best buds have all left, there are still quite a few familiar faces that i like. we'll see. i have one phone interview tomorrow afternoon. just one, though, and i'm kind of bummed about that. i've sent out about a dozen resumes, and a week later, i've only got one stinkin' response? sheesh. what a crappy job market this is. *sigh* but i'll take what i can get. there are honestly so many companies out there that it's hard to have a good feel of what's a good company and what's a waste of time and investors' money. i just went on brassring, and i looked through some 400-odd job postings. i swear, it's like looking through personals ads or something. hard to get a feel of what's good. i swear, while i love sleeping, it does something weird to me. when i'm trying to go to sleep at night, i get the weirdest motivations and tendencies. lying in bed produces all sorts of convictions that i don't usually have during the day. like i get the urge to be motivated and all sorts of "better." but then, come daylight the next day.. all that motivation and energy and desire... it just vanishes, and i'm back to my normal, apathetic, lazy self. it's chilly. my fingers and toes are all cold. sleeping is great, because my bed is hella cold, and i just snuggle against my freezing pillows and shiver and wait until it gets nice and toasty. it's like nocturnal bliss! i haven't decided what i'm doing for thanksgiving. i definitely want to fly home, but i'd also like to get my life in order and have a job lined up by then. ack. people tell me that at the end of the year, some companies go through hiring freezes and stuff. this is a bad time, period. i've been living on one meal a day for the past few days. i guess i just don't have the motivation to go out there TWICE and get food for myself. so usually i just wake up in the pm, and grab a huge dinner and pig out for that one meal. i wonder if i'll lose weight. ideally, i'd like to drop down to 170. doing this job search again makes me realize that it's really important to have faith and believe in the company. i believed in the visions of both companies i've worked for, but unfortunately, both of them have let me down in different ways. it's hard to keep being positive and not just coming to look upon the job as simply a way to make money. like, making money simply for the sake of sustenance. i still have hope that someday i'll not only enjoy what i'm doing, but i'll be contributing to something great. but that hope is starting to wilt. i saw this dude on tv yesterday that had metal spikes sticking out of his head. like, he must have a steel plate or something embedded under his scalp so the spikes can screw in or something. it looked really freaky. one of the first thoughts is how he shaves his head so cleanly in between the spikes, but i guess he can just unscrew them and then shave. but damn. the things some people to do look cool... i was reading my kundera book the other night, and the author talked about the czech concept of "litost." i guess the way to explain it is that "litost" is the sorrow and the torment you feel when you see your inadequacies and failings. and i think i'm the king of litost then. i'm really critical of myself, and i don't even think that i'm being that unreasonable. *shrug* oh! they showed the _star wars_ episode II trailer on tv! i saw it yesterday, and i got really excited. like hyped up. i saw episode I on opening day; we went to the movie theater at 11pm, and waited to see a 1am showing that night. i don't think it was worth it, sitting in a seat for 4 hours, but it was definitely an experience. i really hope this episode is much better. and that means little doses of jar jar binks, no more little-boy anakin (confirmed), light saber fights (confirmed), and... i dunno. i just hope it's better. at least natalie portman still looks beautiful. *purrs* i don't like the trailer, though, because they use that darth vader breathing gimmick to cut down on the amount of footage they have to show... and that bugs me. i want to see more! hm. that's about it for today. not much, considering that i've only been up for 5 hours. i need somebody or something to kickstart my life. |