| 30 may 2001 it's fucking hot out there today. 90's or something. we played basketball at work today, and i pretty much almost died. i was also deeply, deeply offended, when a coworker, simon, decided he wanted to guard me because he thought i was "slow." :) damn. simon's like in the worst shape because when he's on offense, he just squats down and wheezes horribly. about half an hour into the game, he's already looking like he's about to keel over from a coronary. and he wanted to guard ME! damn! what a diss. my brain has felt weird ever since i started my journal. it feels a little cleaner, just because i get to scrape it out onto this page daily. but it also feels a little empty and rattle-y. i guess i'm used to having all these thoughts float around (when i'm alone, i am always having these fake conversations with people in my head). so there's kind of this strange low buzz in my brain ever since my journal was born. writing here is kind of like getting a mental enema. it just washes out everything, leaving behind little shakes and bits and pieces of the debris that's left. how strange. hollow head! another weird change in my life happened after my weird haldol-induced breakdown last november... ever since then, i can't sleep with my watch on. which is REALLY odd for me, because i've been wearing a watch (except during showers) all the time. and i really miss those nights where i'm sleeping, and i wake up in the middle of the night and look at my wrist and find out, "hey, it's only 4am! i get to sleep a lot more!" those were truly blissful realizations, and now i can't get them any more because i'm too damn lazy to roll over and look at my watch that's laid out next to my pillow. sigh. in the past 24 hours, i've been reminded by eric, adam, and shoji that people are reading this journal. and i find that incredibly flattering. and i don't take compliments well at all, so frankly, i don't know what to do with that. i mean, even though i check other journals myself, i find it to be a really odd thing. because most of our lives are pretty boring! i mean, at least, compared to what you can get on television and stuff. it's not like _the real world_ or _friends_ or anything. it's quite a lot of mundane stuff. so i'm amused, shocked, and appreciative of the fact that a few dozen people have become regular visitors. me me me. i feel so vain. whatever. i just wish that more of my own friends had journals, because HOT DAMN, i'd be mad-humping-jumping-all-over-that-shit. i want to know! hm. i think this is a sign that i should call them more often to get the lowdown on their lives. i think the coolest thing is that every sunday, for over the past six months, i talk to emi on our weekly sunday night conversation. almost without fail. i've come to depend on that as a pre-mtv-_jackass_-and-sportscenter post-dinner nightcap. yeah. i need some more of that with other friends of mine. i have to admit, though, as much as i adore karen, i don't talk to her as often as i would like. we used to just e-mail each other, but we had this brief shining microcosm of time where we actually phoned each other regularly. she mentioned that she wanted to promote our friendship from e-mails to phone conversations. how cool! alas, it only lasted for a while. i guess she goes through these phases where she just really busy with her 10-week blocks of med school hell. apparently, week 5 is where the shit hits the fan, and life starts to get really tough. i really gotta visit her in houston. just gotta. but when... so. note to self. keep in touch with your friends, fool. and NO! not just the taiko folk! you know, how FUCKING COOL was college? you basically _lived_ with your friends! on this little isolated island, all the people who were important to you were within what, a mile radius from you? and when you live in the same dorm or even same room as a cool cat that you are chummy chums with, what can get better than that? DAMN. that is one awesome life. kris has this grand fantasy of a taiko commune. the world's most reknown group, kodo, lives together on in a town on an island off of japan. they're like one huge village or something. in some way, i welcome kris's idea. the thought of being down the hall from some good friends, who all make music together, hang out every day... hm. i guess it would be like college again, and that's why it appeals to me. as long as we don't get on each other's nerves, because that would instantly change the utopian feel to utter hell and disaster. *crossed fingers* so last night, i was watching mtv's trl "retired videos" show for a bit. and what really BUGS THE CRAP out of me is girls who scream and cry when they see their favorite pop stars in real life. what is wrong with them? i mean, that is just a warped and sick form of love! it's not like they'll ever get to really go out with these people... i don't know. maybe it's a girl thing. all i know is that no amount of love for my hollywood crushes (not katie holmes, not rachael leigh cook, not winona ryder) could drive me to those tears of insanity. and it's not because i'm trying to be macho or anything. i just don't think my adoration gets to that level of madness. hm. maybe i'm too old. i do remember when i was in love with ally sheedy (when she was in _st. elmo's fire_), and i had all these dreams of making out with her and stuff. hey! shut up! i was in junior high, so lay off me! but anyways, i guess i used to be able to get in touch with that kind of crazy delirium. but apparently, not any more. well. let me take that back. i TOTALLY expect to be madly in love with my significant other. duh! this was a wishy-washy-ditzoid-scatter-matter entry. |