| 20 may 2001 not much going on today. as usual for my weekend, i woke up at 1:30. egads. i started cleaning out my room of unnecessary stuff today. like my stack of _time_ magazines, random things that i felt like i didn't need any more. it was pretty hard, because i have a diehard packrat mentality. i want to keep everything. anything that might even so slightly pose to offer some sentimental value is saved. so that's why i have a lot of shit. and it's not stuff that's easily kept in order... it's like little ticket stubs of movies i liked, little notes that girlfriends left me, a random photograph here and there, a chip that i worked on... a lot of little things that i can't easily organize. so. anyways. i threw out two trash bags worth of stuff. the first bag was mainly magazines and mail. the second bag was a little harder to throw out. stuff like my old pair of glasses, which is so smashed that it's beyond hope for restoring. my old broken tag heuer and fossil watches. some birthday notes that karine jotted down on tissue paper. stuff like that, that hold some memories for me, but i guess in this mad craze of cleaning up, i feel like i don't need to keep any more. i had to throw them in the garbage bag quickly, before i would get the inevitable urge to keep them. i'm kinda sad, i guess. throwing out stuff is like saying goodbye to some piece of your life, however miniscule, forever. but i guess it should be done once in a while. i guess. no wait. if i could have my way, i'd keep EVERYTHING. i mean everything. but i'm not energetic or motivated or organized enough to make that a constructive activity. stuff is just strewn about my room like trash, piled in my closet in random order... i would have to devise some sort of ingenious filing system if i really wanted to keep all of my memories with me. but... i'm a big proponent of remembering everything. so it's kind of hard for me to let go. one thing i realized, while reading karine's little haikus and greetings for some birthday presents i got a few years ago... she can really be sweet. and i know i don't talk about her that much in my journal. it's not because she wasn't important to me. for four years, she was my best friend. i will never deny that. and when things were good, we were really good to each other. but i guess our individual problems ultimately got in the way. we clashed too much. oh well. there were definitely some beautiful times, though... so while cleaning, i turned off the tv (although i wanted to watch the sixers-raptors game) and did something i've rarely done lately... used my stereo system. my cleaning music consisted of sarah mclachlan, incubus, and oasis. it would have been a nice "whistle while you work atmosphere" were it not blazing hot and stuff in my 2nd-story room. yeah. it's hot in california! i'm sweating even though i'm in the house, and my pubes ITCH! damn. shit. i wonder how it's going to be in my new place... we're like on the 3rd floor, if you count the garage as the first floor. i'm gonna have to keep the windows open all the time. the moving panic is starting to set in. looking around my room, i have so much mass to transfer. and that's not even counting all the boxes i have in the storage room downstairs. and my tv in the living room. ARGH. i'm freaking out! the worst thing is my cd's. i have like 600 of them. and they're mostly useless mass... the plastic cases start to weigh a ton when you're lump hundreds of them in a single box. sigh. one thing i'm definitely trying to do these days is minimalize my accumulation of material goods. i'd almost be inclined to ban birthday gift-giving (_almost_ is the key word) because i just don't want to deal with storing the gifts. give me intangibles! throwing stuff away is quite a waste, now that i think about it... because in a way, everything you own was somehow paid for (not counting gifts). so you're basically throwing away money. right? sigh. i'm still craving the portable life. where i can pack all of my important belongings in one carload and drive off to start a new life somewhere else. when did we become such accumulators of stuff? what happened to the simple life? damn this consumer culture! we're just generating waste when we die! one thing that stuns me is that i spent six months in japan living out of one suitcase. that's all i needed. one suitcase of clothes. and a few cd's. that's it! i would have never believed that "the dardy of the massive amounts of shit" would ever accomplish that. ok. this felt somewhat fragmented as an entry. maybe it's the heat. it's my PMS. that, an having long shaggy badly-needing-cutting hair. those two things make me really irritable and ancy. |