| 16 may 2001 today's been pretty listless. i need something to do. i'm itching to write some code or something... this week was supposed to be the week when i started really buckling down and doing some major intense coding and stuff, but i got moved off the project, so i'm kind of coasting right now. i know i'm lazy and all... but having no assignments on my plate still feels a bit empty and hollow. right now i'm itching for dinner to come. you must know by now what kind of food it must be for me to anticipate it so eagerly. but, no bengan barta (yummy eggplant mush) this time. people were complaining that the food was too spicy, so i switched around the menu a bit. ----- the online world is huge. i wonder what the figure on the number of people who have personal websites must be. i bet it's staggering. i like small venues. i like having a close circle of acquaintances and friends. otherwise, i feel like i'm lost or small or negligible. when i first started this journal thing, my main audience was my friends. and a few people on the asian journalist webring or something. and i'm fine with that. but in some self-aggrandizing way, i want to reach out to like MILLIONS or something. i want to be known. heard. respected. not that i deserve any of that. i don't really like my writing, and it _is_ really all for me, this journal thing. but i guess it's a little fleeting feeling of jealous when i see people with fabulous websites that have audiences that are orders of magnitude larger than mine. but i'm not going to really work on it. i know i can learn some good HTML shit if i really wanted to. i know i have the skills. i'm not worried about that. but i just don't want to spend too much of my time on this site. it doesn't own me, you know? i'm not going to let it define who i am, because it's really not as important to me as some websites are to other people. i'm not dissing them or anything, (because what some people have up on the web is fucking amazing) but i just refuse to pour my effort into this place. probably (yeah) because i'm lazy. this site of mine is all about minimalism. yeah. that's my reasoning. less is more. HAHA. *eyeroll* although, in an other life or something, i think it'd be cool being a website designer. so add that to my list of alternative careers... so far i've got: sushi chef roller coaster designer (oh wait, that's alan's...) water fountain designer taiko player (still possible in this lifetime) and... hm. maybe a physics teacher? i just found today from one of cyn's links that my coworker gordon has a cool website! this world is pretty small, i must say. back to the small venue thing. my chosen activities have mainly involved not a large quantity of people, but rather depth of time spent together. not that you can't have both... it's just that i guess i feel more at home in small close-knit groups than larger crowds. my close friends in college consisted of mainly 8 guys and the corresponding women's drawgroup constituent, and my one big activity outside of my friends was taiko, which never numbered more than like 20 people max. sigh. but today life is kind of getting me down. i guess i'm in one of my "i feel small" kind of days. stemming from the fact that i've done nothing for the past few days at work except surf personal web sites. and i realize that there is a fuckin' _multitude_ of you out there... each with your own lives and your own spheres. and the fact that i'll meet only a miniscule fraction of you just serves as a reminder that this world is really HUGE. and it reminds me that it's easy to feel humble and insignificant. so that's my psychological self-analysis on today's blues. i don't feel down really often. well, at least, during my current post-tourette's trauma phase, anyway. double sigh i guess sometimes i'd rather not know that the world out there is bigger than i cared to believe. i like my little bubble of obliviousness. that's it from me today. this is a short entry compared to the stuff i've been putting out lately. |