| 2 may 2001 god. _dawson's_ was really a downer today. dysfunction everywhere. is that really fun to watch? is that considered good drama? i don't think so. i think real life is already messed up enough to have to watch it played out on the television. but i do know where pacey was coming from. he's basically feeling angry at joey because he's so worthless next to her. she's gotten into like the best school in the country, and she's beautiful and smart and all that. he's a consistent failure, struggling to even graduate, and didn't get into any college. that's the gist. but it reminds me a lot of how i felt back when i was a stupid teenager going out with the goddess known as kristie. she was totally refined, beautiful, confident, well-packaged. and i was this scrawny, insecure, silly 16-year-old. when we were together, i would get bitter. and cold. (and for that i apologize for being such a dumbfuck.) but here's the reasoning... i believed that it was god's cruel joke that he let me be with kristie, but that eventually she would realize what a fucking fool she was for going out with me, and eventually she would dump my ass and find her prince. and, accepting that foregone fate, i became bitter and angry at her for who she was and what it reminded me of what i was. talk about a mindfuck of an insecurity complex. (i went through a similar thing with karine, her being like the most popular cheerleader-type socialite girl and all. what can i say... i have gone out with some highly-esteemed women. it should make me feel like a real MAN, but it doesn't. at all.) so that's the way it went. so i can empathize with pacey. no, it's not mature, nor is it healthy, but at least i know where he's coming from. it wasn't quite comfortable to watch him play out my biggest fears of my freshman/sophomore year. it was a familiar frustration, a sort of phobia brought back to life. anyways... i'm much better nowadays. _felicity_'s on now. another dysfunctional drama. i'm not paying attention. oh shit. avery just kissed ben! the shit's REALLY gonna hit the fan now. ----- i'm in mcdonald's bliss right now. really, there is nothing better than a piping hot fish filet with mucho slatherings of tartar sauce. too bad i chose to eat it first before my big mac; i would have liked to finish with the fish filet, but i was afraid it would get cold and thus lose half of its "bliss" value. why am i eating dinner at 9pm? because i was chatting with clare for like over two hours at work. it was during dinner, and besides, dinner was ribs and other stuff with bones. i'm too lazy to work through bones and shit like that. i'll make an exception with a steak, though. but anyways, i downloaded AIM today, and i had my first chat! neat-o. i've done ICQ messaging and chatting before, and for you old folks, there were those ytalk days back when i was an undergrad. clare is an interesting girl. outwardly gregarious, she says that she's reserved and passive, but i don't know if i really believe that. well, not that i don't believe her, but i haven't seen that side yet. what i've seen is someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind. hee hee. and she likes playing around. sometimes i have no idea if she's joking or being serious. i have an awful sarcasm and joke detector when it comes to plain, written words. i take everything so seriously. but maybe it's because i don't want to offend anybody by thinking they're joking. i think a cool thing about her is that she doesn't place restrictions on age difference or initial circumstances when it comes to relationships. a lot of people are really narrow-minded in what they envision a romantic encounter. a particular look, age, race, locale, whatever. and meeting a person over the internet? fuggedaboudit. her openmindedness is sexy. i know what she looks like, because she has pictures from her webcam plastered all over her webpage. she's cute, huh? but anyways, we both thought it was imbalanced because i haven't provided an clue as to what i look like. (i'm trying, i promise, but i just feel STOOPID taking pictures of myself). i was able to dig up some old taiko pics, which didn't provide any good resolution, but at least gave a vague outline of what i look like. of course, before i got my cheeks and all that. :) i like attaching faces to people. and voices, too. voices are important. nothing more disappointing than a beautiful face and a fucked up voice. ha ha. oh! here's a little oddity about me. when i like a girl, i can't picture her face. now i mean "like" as in being interested and infatuated. so i can tell if i'm in the initial stages of a crush when i can't, for the life of me, imagine what the girl looks like. but, i can also tell when i cross that line from like to being in love, because then, i can picture her again. yup. warped brain. that's me. ok. this was a kind of scatterbrained entry. never write a journal entry with the television blaring in the background. got it? |