| 28 mar 2001 *phew* back from taiko practice. it was like boot camp. i don't know which was worse... not eating lunch today, or powering down a couple of flautas and quesadillas right before practice. either way, i almost puked after we did those dreaded upenns. what are upenns? they're like cardiovascular hell. 30 seconds of pushups, followed by 30 seconds of situps, lunges, squats, more pushups, bicycle crunches, etc. my shirt was drenched. man. i was really not happy after all that. i went to the bathroom and just felt sick. i want to remember that nasty feeling. so i'll be grateful those other normal times when i can just breathe easily without feeling nauseated. i take a lot of simple joys for granted. like being able to eat whatever i want. when i got my wisdom teeth out, it was scrambled eggs and yogurt for like a week. eating meat again was like heaven. *sigh* such basic things that make me happy. eating and breathing. there's joy in everything, even the most basic things. don't believe me? just wait until it's taken away from you. work is not going so well. the chip is NOT working. i am hella frustrated. i noticed how there is a big difference between truth and perception. the truth: the chip is jacked. the perception monday night: i forgot to implement something, so maybe, miraculously it will work after i fix it. i felt good about myself. the perception tuesday night: i did everything i could, so now i'm just plain fucked. i didn't feel so good about myself. yet, the truth is still the same. how strange is psychology. i'm in my hibernation phase. those are times when i wish i were a bear, so i could fill up on obscene amounts of food (indian food, of course) and just sleep. and when i wake up, everything will be ok again. kind of like a temporary suicide. no, don't get worried about me. i'm just in a rough spot in my working life right now, and i'm longing for the day when it's all over. right now, since the chip is totally dead, it seems like quite a ways away. everyone else is moving onto different projects, but i'm stuck on the current one. i hate being the bottleneck. it just sucks. the pressure is pretty high. will dardy have another nervous breakdown? let's all watch! i think this journal writing has distilled my feelings toward kristie. and it's also put her in my mind more often. last night, all i dreamt about was her. we had an argument, and i wound up writing her an apology over e-mail. i remember longing for her intensely in my dream. which may not be a good sign. we exploded many years ago. it's not a good thing to pine over the past like that. then again, it may be just a dream. either way, i was surprised because she hasn't popped up in my sleep in ages. ok. short entry today. off to grab some gatorade (melon and alpine snow are the BEST), and watch the rest of espn sportscenter. |