| 21 mar 2001 so my dad woke me up this morning by calling my cell phone.� i looked at the caller id, and i got this huge "886931319..." number phrase on my screen.� luckily i figured out that 886 is something like the country code for taiwan. i felt kind of bad that i was about 10:30, and i was still sleeping.� i mean, i'm TRYING to get better... for the past couple of months or so, i woke up past 11 and got to work right before lunch.� i'm such a terrible employee. it was good seeing him again.� he always gives me this chinese dried squid stuff which i really don't like, but i can't refuse.� i asked him about digital cameras because seeing all these cool journal pages with photos makes me a little jealous.� i want to have pictures, too!� and i've been meaning to buy a new camera that i can take around with me, especially when i visit japan this summer.� my previous camera fetish of 2000 was with the silver polaroid i-zone. i have a silver fetish.� i originally had a blue i-zone, but once emi told me that shoji found a silver one, i gave my blue camera to karen and immediately bought the silver model. instant photos are cool.� but my big beef with the i-zone pics is that they're way too small.� i had an i-zone journal last year, where i would take my camera around with me everywhere, and snap some shots and paste them into this cute zebra-covered journal that jo-ann picked out for me.� i'd add a few of my thoughts and stuff in the captions.� but the novelty wore off after summer, and now i'm back to writing more substantial stuff. anybody got recommendations for a good, small, easy-to-use digital camera with a long battery life and decent memory?� cnet.com suggested the kodak dc4800 zoom and sony dsc-p1 for travellers.� i want a small one i can tote anywhere. my dad's funny.� he drove all the way down to san jose from san francisco airport, dropped by to say hi, and then insisted on leaving right after.� he said he had business to do.� i prodded a bit, and he admitted that his "business" was... buying lottery tickets!!� ha ha.� he's a big dreamer, kind of like me.� i guess that's where i get it from. i feel bad for my mom and dad.� they've been separated by the pacific ocean since around 1990.� that's a decade!� my dad works in taiwan, and my mom and little brother live in dallas.� that's one heck of a commute. but i think it's worst for my 15-year-old brother.� he's grown up without having a dad.� a few years ago, my dad was thinking about coming back to the states and finding a job, and i was pretty excited because i really wanted my brother to have a father around while he was in high school.� i mean, after high school, there's not much of an opportunity to be with parents again.� my brother was pretty mature about the whole thing when my dad decided to keep working in taiwan; he said he was fine with my dad to following his career instead of his family.� it's a damn tough decision. i hope my family and my career don't collide the way it has for my dad.� i want to be around for my kids when they're growing up.� being an engineer is pretty stable, i guess, and i wonder, if i really do pursue my dream as a professional taiko player, how it will affect my family.� i know it's a hard life, being a musician.� and the travelling and touring can be pretty tiring.� we'll see.� i'm still young right now, but i do worry a lot about the future.� i want to do things right. here's a little nugget of epiphany that came to me two weeks ago while lounging in my room listening to stan getz:� if have a son, his name will be "aidan."� it's irish. ----- i'd like to thank winnie for her honest entry on asian women and weight issues.� i've gone out with a girl with eating disorders (ED).� and i could never quite understand why someone would have such a distorted body image and dysfunctional relationship with food.� i mean, i tried to find out.� one summer i even went to the library and checked out some books about helping someone cope with ED.� and i also went onto the usenet and asked people about how to help. but i have to admit that it was always a problem for me.� there was always this sense of paranoia, especially after a meal, when i would watch her like a hawk if she went to the bathroom afterwards.� and i would always suspect the worst.� it didn't help that sometimes my fears were justified and realized. it's a tough issue.� there are so many stereotypes and standards that we either consciously or subconsciously force ourselves to follow.� it's stupid, but it's a fact.� in some way, i'm glad that my grand disorder, tourette's, can be cured simply with relaxing and taking medication.� i am not strong enough to deal with something like ED, which is deeply rooted in psychology.� i wilt under the pressure of my psyche. although lately, i've been experiencing some strange feelings with my recent weight gain.� i've always been an emaciated stick figure.� at 6 feet tall, i have hovered in the 135-145 pound range!� i saw myself in a taiko video my senior year at stanford, and i looked ridiculous.� lanky and gaunt beyond belief. but now, everyone from ex-coworkers to parents exclaim that i've put on the pounds.� and in chinese, it sounds horrible... literally, it's "you've grown FAT."� so i find myself doing things i have NEVER done before, like skipping meals on purpose, foregoing that extra bliss that comes with pigging out, etc.� it's weird.� but i do think that i'm just not used to it yet.� although it does bug me that i may have to buy new clothes or get my suit altered. ah well.� those times when i fret about my weight (wow, i can't believe i'm just typed that phrase), i just try to remember my friend carol and how she took a good look at me and just exclaimed, "wow, you look GOOD." i have this feeling that those old days of being a skinny freak of nature are over. those days where i could eat anything and not gain an ounce. so now, i guess i'm just... normal. yuck. normalcy is overrated. |