| 18 mar 2001 back from emi's. 3+ hour drive, and my ass hurts. i'm tired of driving. although this time i had some passengers, and that made a HUGE difference. so last night, while i was sleeping in the living room in my glowing yellow sleeping bag, i thought about emi and our friendship. she's a beautiful person. what i love most about her is her sense of humor. it's not outrageous or slapstick silly, but a witty and intelligent edge. she makes me laugh. not the kind of laughs that i get from watching a farrelly brother comedy, but the kind that makes me appreciate that there is a thinking, perceptive person out here on this planet. she's getting married to a mutual taiko friend, shoji. i think they're one of the most beautiful couples i have ever known. they're both lucky as hell, to the point where i am happily jealous. a few weeks ago, i revealed my taiko crushes (e.g. people in taiko who i liked) to emi, and i admitted she was one of them. and she told me that i was one of hers, too. i found that to be a pleasant exchange of something quite personal and guarded. i had my big crush on emi during a breakup with karine in... um... 1999. i disappeared from the taiko scene for a few years after i graduated in 97, and this hiatus away from karine gave me the opportunity to see my drumming buddies again. the group put on an amazing concert, and we went to have dinner afterwards. emi stopped by my table and said hi. i was so happy to see her again. and she was just radiant. i was having troubles with karine's temper and narcissism, and emi was just the opposite... unassuming, humble, yet captivating. i drove home buzzing with appreciation and admiration. it helped that she played incredibly, incredibly well in the concert. beholding a great taiko player is always a bonus. funny, though, because emi was really quiet when she first joined taiko. of course, a lot of it had to do with not knowing anybody. i didn't talk to her that much when we were both in the group; it was only last summer that we started e-mailing and phoning, and it's only since then that we've become the friends that we are now. i regret not getting to know her when we were actually at stanford. and this sadness extends to a lot of other people, too. i had a lot of chances in my life to branch off and get closer to certain acquaintances, but because of personal laziness or overdedication to karine, things just never happened. and those chances are often short-lived and rarely renewable. so... last night, at her house, while trying to fall asleep, i wondered if my feelings for emi are in any way beyond platonic. i mean, i rave about her, and she means a lot to me. and knowing my history with women, it's GOT to have some kind of physical overtones, right? hm. i mean, she IS cute. and i do subscribe to the notion that everybody finds their friends attractive. kind of a _when harry met sally_ tint to it. but i think that i never allowed myself to explore the notion because she is with shoji. and they, in my opinion, are a couple made by destiny, and i would never taint that. i love watching good couples together, and i always considered emi and shoji a single entity that is almost sacred. so... my answer... is no. no sexual shades. beyond the basic attraction for friends. it's platonic. and wonderfully so. devil's advocate: what if she and shoji weren't together? silly question. who knows. what if-type thing. maybe i would be attracted to her more. sure, i'll grant you that. i am the first in line to declare that the best relationships grow from good friendships. and emi and i definitely have that. but... all i know is that i have a rad friend who i talk to every sunday. and come this june, i'm going to squeeze my 180 pounds into my beautiful navy tommy hilfiger suit and mustard yellow suspenders, go to her wedding, and wish emi and shoji the happiest existence possible. together. |