| 16 mar 2001 today i saw jo-ann again. for the first time since the big meltdown. [ backdrop: i was in love with jo-ann for most of 2000 and the beginning of this year. she is currently a senior at stanford. i met her back in feb/march of last year, and i was smitten with a sledgehammer. we became friends, and last summer, i finally told her how i felt. for reasons left and right, things never worked out between us. this past january, i made a final attempt at trying to promote our status as friends, but her heart just wasn't cooperating. and just over a month later, jo-ann told me that she was going out with a freshman in stanford taiko, ricky. i was pretty much devastated. after i found out, i immediately stormed out of the office, screamed out "FUCK," and smoked. that was about three weeks ago. ] so... today was my first jo-ann sighting after that big explosion. things are so different now. i don't feel that fluttering in my heart, that longing and yearning which i felt for over a year. she's a different person now. i mean, she's the same old lovable cute jo-ann, but to me, given the context of what possibilities she brings to my life, she's just another girl. no passion. no pull. no feelings. no future. seeing her and ricky nuzzle, hold hands, kiss... it didn't make me feel sick. it was just surreal. because half of me no longer recognized her and the fact that she used to mean the world to me, and half of me noticed that very lack of emotional attachment and tried to reconcile that with the fervor with which i pursued her just a few months ago. it was like cognitive dissonance. "i _should_ be feeling something, but i don't... is there something wrong?" so that's a good thing, i think. i am sick and tired of being so tortured by jo-ann. one year of fighting unrequited love is more than enough. i hope we can move on to just being friends. but i wonder... if i don't love her any more, and that love was the sole purpose why i befriended her, is there a point to continuing our relationship? our foundation is gone. how can the building not collapse? i _am_ happy for her. she and ricky make for a charming couple. i told her once that i would make her happy if she let me. in some way i believe it still, but i just can't capture that conviction that i had. it's all about psychology. i guess my mind won't let me pine over a girl like jo-ann: somebody infuriating eluding and literally impossible. a self-defense anti-masochistic mechanism, perhaps? |