| 14 mar 2001 when i started my first job, my boss told me it's good that i didn't have any experience in chip design... his words were: "NCG's (new college grads) don't know what's possible and what isn't."� so, we naive engineers just went about tackling insane problems, and the fact that we didn't know what we were in for means that we were able to accomplish tasks that would have daunted more experienced workers. so... almost four years after working in this field, i'm now considered experienced. now what? i will admit that things now scare me.� i get assigned a task, and i have a pretty good idea of how much work it will take.� and i get fearful because i know what the job entails and how much time and effort it requires.� yuck.� i've strapped on self-imposed limitations on my abilities.� not that i'm not confident, but i've just gotten lazy.� i don't want to do the work. when i got my "block from hell" design last summer, i just started coding.� soon after, i realized that it would take herculean efforts to finish.� and i felt utterly paralyzed.� what did i do?� i decided i had to force myself to stay at work as long as it took to finish.� i made myself face my fears.� so i picked an arbitrary tuesday to pull an all-nighter, and i designated the day "CTYD: code 'til you drop." but of course, i went out beforehand to the north face and bought a BEAUTIFUL black/yellow sleeping bag.� if i'm going to destroy myself, i might as well do in style, right? i paraded my sleeping bag around the office.� people were impressed.� i coded until 4am before i collapsed in my bumblebee sleeping bag.� i could have gone on longer, except that the vending machines were ALL out of caffeinated beverages, save one can of coke.� i was screwed! i did finish the job, though.� but not without a lot of bugs which took months to clean out. i promise you this: if the chip comes back, and it works, i'm going to proudly wear my superman t-shirt at the office and proclaim, "I AM VERY STRONG!" so last night, i was thinking... i don't know if i can ever recapture that pristine innocent notion of being able to tackle _any_ problem or task ever again.� i'm wary of dedication.� i'm bored of the challenge.� i've already established myself once as a premier engineer, at the young age of 21.� do i really need to do it again?� nah... strange to be so jaded at 25. when i interviewed for a job at appsig back in 1997, the guy's opinion of me was that i was smart, but i didn't apply myself enough.� back then, i would have vehemently disagreed with him.� i was strong and able.� but today, i would have to concede him that point.� coasting has become the norm for me. ----- i find arrogance attractive.� but only if the person can live up to his attitude. did you see the first guy who one the grand prize on _who wants to be a millionaire_?� his last name was carpenter.� he just ripped through the questions with an air of smugness, and on the last question, he used the "phone a friend" lifeline, seemingly to request some help.� but instead, he just called up his dad and told him he was going to win the million bucks.� i found that to be the BOMB-ASS thing to do.� impressed. and then there are the gallagher brothers of the band oasis.� to proclaim to be the equivalent of the beatles and churn out amazingly crafted rock songs... that takes balls.� i was watching the "VH1: behind the music" rockumentary on oasis, and after the hour was up, i just sat there, grinning.� it felt really satisfying to watch greatness in people who knew what they were capable of.� it's sexy. but... most people can't support their big egos.� and they wind up looking very very foolish.� conceited.� misguided.� ugly.� they go from being a person i admire to a person i loathe.� it's a polarity thing. here's a note: i have yet to meet an arrogant girl that pulls it off successfully. i give thanks for jessica and clara for their kind words of support.� i hope to make some friendships in this new circle of acquaintances. |