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| 23 jun 2001 so that pic is of me sitting in a baby crib at babies 'r us.� yeah.� i guess it's an expansion of the toys 'r us chain that i never knew about.� i went with jeremy, kate, and annie today to this fabulous establishment.� jeremy's brother is due to get a brand new son (jacob) any day now, and apparently you can REGISTER for baby gifts these days!� it was pretty sad, though, because the stuff that was left was like baby wipes, electric socket protectors, you know... boring shit like that. but i asked to go, and i took my camera along, because i wanted to test out my theory that even in a mundane, boring venue like a baby superstore, i believe that good pictures can be taken. is that true?� well, i'm not a good enough photographer to prove my theory true, i decided.� hrmph. so while jeremy and kate were shopping, annie and i tried out these great rocking chairs in the store.� WOW.� they were SO comfortable.� we could have stayed there forever.� so then, i started taking some pictures, and i found this crib.� i set up the camera on timer, and just as the picture was being taken, this lady walked by and exclaimed, "wow... a big baby!"� i realized she was talking about me, and i looked over and smiled just as my camera took the picture. jay and i are watching tv right now.� so i guess this is the first time i'm updating while somebody else is in the room.� it's not a problem; i'll just see how well i can write while my mind is only half occupied. last night, a group of taikofolk got together and hung out at steve and linda's.� they're both out of town, and kara's housesitting.� we watched this horrible movie... _dr. t and the women_.� DON'T see it.� it sucks.� i'm getting the idea that i don't like any of robert altman's films... i don't understand why he's considered a hot director or something.� i think he's good at filming scenes where there are a lot of conversations and noise going on (more like real life), but they just annoy me when i'm watching them because i can't really zero in one a particular thread of dialogue. the movie was really weird.� and there was a lot of gratuitous women's body parts shown, which i didn't really mind.� :)� but the last scene was quite shocking... a vagina!� i won't give it away, but there was more to the scene than just a vagina.� anyways... random, man.� i felt like it was two hours that i'll never get back in my life.� a waste of time.� bad, bad, kara!� for picking it! afterwards, we talked for a long time and exploited kara's first-year med school knowledge.� it kind of got tiring, actually.� but it _is_ amazing how much stuff there is to know about the human body.� but i realized that i could NEVER be a doctor... because i am just way too squeamish about stuff.� kara was talking about gross anatomy, and the thought of dissecting a cadaver just makes me shiver.� never never... could i do that. after a while, i just started thinking about death.� it was right after kara talked about her cadaver, and how after she opened her up, she found out that her stomach had cancer.� and how gross it looked.� the thought of contracting a terminal illness when i'm old and suffering through it just raced through my mind. i'm afraid of pain.� i'm such a wimp.� the idea of getting something nasty like cancer (shit, i must quit smoking) or kidney failure (damn, dialysis?!) or anything like that, and going through so much pain... it scares the shit out of me.� religious ramifications aside, i may or may not be afraid of death.� but dying... whether it's drawn out like a terminal illness, or a quick flash like a gunshot wound... the realization that life is about to end... that freaks me out like nothing else.� sometimes death just crosses my mind, and the terror just makes me freeze up for a second.� but then it passes, because i don't think i can actually _comprehend_ it fully.� i doubt i'll ever fully grasp it. i know that if i dwell on it long enough, i'll probably go into a psychological meltdown or something... so i don't let myself mull over the thought of death too much. i woke up around 2pm today.� yup.� i'm such a lazy fuck on the weekends.� well, even on the weekdays... i asked to go on the baby shopping thing because i needed to kick myself in the ass the be social.� why?� because i can feel my tourette's starting to take control of my personality.� when my tics get bad, i become this antisocial machine.� i avoid going out and meeting people, being seen in public... i just mope around the house and curse my disorder. yeah.� it's starting.� again.� fuck.� it's not as bad as it has been, but i'm feeling that familiar reflex of avoiding social contact.� it's like an automatic "no" when people ask me if i want to go out and do something.� i dread it.� i hate it. the night that karine and i broke up for good, my tourette's induced antisocial tendencies was the spark of that last fight.� i came back from work, and karine asked if i wanted to go to the gordon biersch in palo alto for some of their awesome garlic parmesan fries.� and i just immediately declined.� i didn't even think about it.� and that apparently was the last straw, and karine got really upset at the fact that i didn't want to do anything.� even though i felt like i had a valid excuse, i could see her frustration. i hate this side of myself.� it's like neurologically induced social anxiety.� i really just want to be a normal person without these fucking tics... but when they're bad, i can't stand the looks i get and the nuisances i create when i'm out there.� i just don't want to deal with it, and that's why i stay home. yup.� so basically, i forced myself to get over it today and go out, even though my mind just wasn't in the mood.� i hope this doesn't get any worse. the other bothersome thing... i threw up THREE times yesterday.� just little amounts.� i get these little waves of nausea that last for like a minute, where i just HAVE to puke a tiny bit of food.� what gives?� it's not like i'm sick or bulimic or anything.� it's just a weird thing that's going on in my body.� or mind. "strange things are afoot at the circle k" |