| 29 jul 2001 "what is your one purpose in life? - to explode, of course" ah.� i'm in the office now.� why the fuck would i go into my office on a sunday?� heh.� i found out i had two bills in the apartment under a stack of jay's mail that i HAD to pay before i left.� all of my checkbooks are in the office, so... blah.� oh, and i forgot my travel pillow and trusty blue abercrombie front-zip sweatshirt in my cube, and i need both of them for the trip. funny thing.� cool thing.� eric e-mailed this morning and said that in my writing, i've seemed a little "off" lately.� that "something strange" was coming through recently in my journal.� i wonder.� it's neat to be able to gauge a person's mental status in how he writes from day to day... the routine of daily scribblings gives a reader a little barometer of my brain's landscape, i guess.� i apprecite eric's concern and perspicacity. but is something off?� i don't know.� one thing i don't know how i feel about is psychoanalyzing myself too much... because for one, i'm not really good at it, and... it's kind of silly when i start trying to figure out too much about myself. i _have_ noticed that in the past two weeks or so, i haven't tagged many entries as "notable."� most of them were in fact rather mundane shit pieces, like what i did and stuff, rather than my thoughts and musings, which are my favorite things to write about. part of it might be because i was sick, and my brain was just in a cloud.� part of it might be because several of the entries were written while i was chatting with people, so i could never get into a serious concentrated mental groove.� *shrug* but one thing though... i realized this as i was napping earlier this afternoon... i feel like i'm losing control of my life. yup.� i'm a control freak.� i like keeping my life tidy and organized.� little things that have been irking me: first, of course, my illness, and being at the mercy of the nasty germies that have been invading my body.� the japan trip, in the sense that i'll be tagging along with emi's family rather than being truly autonomous in my exploration of the land.� karine, and the fact that i didn't want her back in my life, but in a way, she is, because she's hanging out with eric.� the whole crush over amms, and being a little frustrated at not having the time or circumstances to really find out what she's like.� (and there's that dratted 2002 no-dating pact she's got going, heh). there's probably more.� like all that puking.� i swear, i have no control over my own ability to keep down food... ...and i like having control.� i NEED to have control.� otherwise, i feel like i'm just this little plastic bag flapping about in the wind, unable to do anything that i want, unable to feel like i can exert any force on my own destiny. here's another random thought... i wonder how long this month-old online crowd that i've discovered will stay in contact.� i know that eric and adam are friends, and that rita and amms are friends.� i'm sort of the loner who happened to come in contact with all of these people.� and i LIKE these people.� i mean, just the fact that they're thinking, feeling, reflecting journalists... that says a lot about their personalities.� and i DIG that.� and individually, they're all cool people, and i swear there's even more cool shit underneath the superficial surfaces that i've only begun to scratch. but... i wonder if this is just a novelty for the other people... and that after the initial stuff is all said and done, we'll just go about our pre-discovery lives and carry on. now, in particular, this amms thing i've gotten into.� i can't say that i _really_ _really_ like her, because i still don't feel like i know much about her.� yeah, we chat on AIM every day, but that stuff is really mundane!� i guess i'm sort of not used to this, because things with past girlfriends were vastly accelerated by the fact that we went to stanford together.� my theory is that daily contact like that (in college settings, for example) can really speed up the process of getting to know each other... hours of e-mailing, conversations, hanging out in the dorms... it's almost like living together when you get that much face time.� things happen quickly, and in the time that i've known amabelle (just under 1 month), i've just grown to have expectations that i'd know a shitload of stuff about her by now. but i don't.� and i'm a little peeved at where i'm at right now.� i guess i'm quite a paradox... because i always tell people not to have expectations, but yet... i do.� i'm like a dichotomy of two people... one with a lot of experience and wisdom to impart, and one which fights back like a stupid stubborn child and keeps trying to live according to its ignorant ways. so back to amms... yeah, so because she is far from being filled out in my mind, this whole infatuation with her is currently kind of... empty... what exactly am i liking here?� her thoughts?� her beliefs?� her quirks?� her aspirations?� (do i know what they are?� uh...) her potential?� ah... that may be it.� but that is kind of a dangerous thing to like.� because something as vague as her "potential" is bound to be unrealistic and unrooted in fantasy and conjecture.� so i just don't feel like i have a firm grasp on my affection.� i don't have anything concrete just yet, and that really bugs the shit out of me. ok.� that's my mini-rant-type stuff for the day.� sometimes reality and its limits and constraints really suck.� and those are the times i just wish i were omnipotent or something. ah.� patience.� is that what you're thinking?� i should be more patient?� i agree.� i just like to complain and whine.� you should know that about me by now.� :) i hate it when i feel off-kilter.� you can probably tell that all my insecurities and paranoias come out when i get caught off guard or off balance.� don't surprise me!� hee hee. nah, i'm sure things will turn out just fine.� life is always like.� i'll get over all the shit that happens.� and, with that... I'M LEAVING FOR FUCKIN' JAPAN, BABY! i had more thoughts, but... alas.� they've VANISHED.� i need to carry a pad of paper with me wherever i go, like amabelle does. oh.� last night, i was watching _american pie_.� what is the big deal with sex?� sheesh.� all i'll say is that the first time, i did it, i didn't even know!� i was like, "uh, am i INSIDE you?"� HAHAHAHAHA.� *wheeze* *wheeze*� i'm such a fucking dumbass.� heh. *ahem* don't forget about me!� sure, there will be a big two-week hole in my journal, but... i come back on august 14th, ok? to all of you (buddies, friends, acquaintances, and the nameless and the faceless)... i'll miss you guys.� i'll miss writing, and heaven willing, i will find a fucking cybercafe when i'm in japan and pay my hard-earned yen-converted dollars to sit down and write whlie i'm overseas. ciao!� i'll be back.� i hope you will, too. |
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