| 27 jul 2001 "i'm living in the penthouse, basement boy stay away..." this gonna be the last regular weekday entry for a while. *sniff* i am fucked up because i didn't get fall asleep until 3am. that's right. i was totally delirious (don't know why) for THREE FUCKING HOURS. i had some weird dream/reality mixture that kept festering and preventing me from sleeping. i got fed up, and i just downed a shot of nyquil. damn, that stuff kicks ass. i was out in a few minutes after that. i hope i'm not dependent on nyquil now... the last four nights, i've taken shots of it to help me fall asleep. after work last night, i stopped by fry's electronics to pick out a webcam. no, not for me (yet). but for jo-ann. i decided i would go through with my thoughts from yesterday and do the deed. i really would like to see her again. someday. if people were landmarks in my personal history, jo-ann would practically OWN the year 2000. that whole year pretty much belongs to her. and even though i'm not madly in love with her anymore, i still think she is one of the most beautiful people i have come to know recently. it's just a shame we don't talk much any more. but i wish her all the best as she gets back to her life in singapore. and i really hope she does put the webcam to some good use. i hate knowing i gave an unused gift. yesterday i had my first "chat-room" thingie with amms, and rita. eric even popped in for a little bit. i don't remember much of what was said (it was kind of like an orgiastic smorgasborg of words being thrown around), but i do remember "crusty cunt" being mentioned a few times. a lot of laughing. pimples IN the nose. lap dances. individuality. i dunno. a lot of random shit. typical, i guess. hm. i think i'm kind of out of it. not because i'm sick, but because i'm tired. while i was trying to fall asleep last night, my brain kept on churning out my journal entry for me; had someone been there to transcribe my thoughts, i would have it all written out already. my funny little hyperdrive brain. hm. anything else before i start on my assignment? hm. oh. i'm drinking my first carbonated beverage in a long time... since my throat hurt so badly, all the fizz stuff would just hurt like hell. and apparently, there's no dr. pepper in the office once again. i shall address this travesty when i get back from japan. ----- all right. since i requested rants from the online peeps, and some of them obliged, i asked the girls what i should write about today. they replied, "loose women" or something that effect. apparently amms has issues with easy girls. girls who sleep around. so i'm supposed to write an expose on that issue or something. hm. i'm clearly not a girl, let alone a loose girl. i don't feel like judging them or anything, trying to blame their promiscuity on some insecurity or whatever, so... in typical dardy-fashion, i'll just get highly confessional and talk about my own experiences with those kinds of girls. there aren't many incidents, mind you. just two that i'll talk about. both of them happened junior year in college. i'm not going to use real names, because dude! it's obvious, right? so the first girl will be named ione. anyway, she was kind of known to be a little mentally unstable and clingy. ione lived in the symmetrical dorm across from mine, and we had some mutual friends. i don't want to get long-winded here, but basically, after some nudging and prodding from a friend, i said "what the hell" and asked her to some dance. AASA semiformal, i think. i wasn't interested in her, anyway. just a little note, but on the ride back from the event, she had her head in my lap. no, you sick fucks, she wasn't giving me head! sheesh. but that's just a memory i have. oh, and i think someone stole the bottle of absolut that we brought along, too. hrmph. i'm missing the point here. the basic gist is that one night, i got really trashed out of my mind, and we wound up in bed together. no sex, but lots of nudity. had i been sober, this NEVER would have happened. i clearly remember lying there in the lounge, my head dizzy from the alcohol, and i just got up, and asked her to come up to my room with me. next thing i remember, we were naked! ugh. i know my roommate jack was pretty disgusted with the both of us. but the point is, this was my first and only one-night event of any sorts, and i think subconsciously (i'm psychoanalyzing myself here), i did it because i knew it was possible. i dunno. that's what i think; i can never be sure. yeah, that's pretty sketch, right? i'm a bastard, right? heh. men are pigs. i'll admit that it ranks up there as #2 on the "dardy's all-time stupidest things" list. never mind #1 (that is ultra-confessional, and i don't get into it just yet). but yeah. hooking with ione was really dumb. and i know it makes me seem like an asshole for taking advantage of a girl, but... what can i say. i made a mistake. the general rule is that i let myself make one mistake in every major department of possible mistakes. not that i PURPOSELY go out there and fuck up, but... i forgive myself. mabuhay! *grin* remember all that, jay? ok. the second time... was when i was in japan. there was this one girl i'll call tina. she was kind of... well... aggressive. she would flirt with practically every guy in the stanford program. one night, at a bar, she just plainly told me, "anata wa suki desu." ("i like you"). or something to that effect. so NOT typically japanese. (well, she was a thai girl studying in japan.) after the ione incident, i pretty much avoided her like the plague. i was talking to a japanese student was in the same exchange student club as her, and he (taizo) said that he believed that tina was a very sexually-charged woman. no shit. she basically oozed overpowering sexuality. i guess it could have been a turn-on had i been in the mood for it. ah. so last the last night i was in kyoto, i went with her to the bar where all of us were just drinking and talking. she seemed impatient, like she wanted to leave... but she wanted to leave with _me_. hm. sketch. i was getting drunk (you know, alcohol really fucks up your judgment, i guess that's obvious, no? :) and i told my friend randy i was actually considering seeing what tina was gonna do to me. kinky! you know? but in the end, i just biked my drunken ass home. and the killer is... the reason that i remember using for not hooking with tina was: i didn't want to deal with trying to find my way home from her apartment to my homestay! HA! what a dumb fucking reason! sigh. so i guess i almost committed my second stupid random hookup mistake. i don't know what the lesson is here. maybe i should avoid alcohol if there is an easy girl around the area. or i should just get a grip on my hormones by masturbating more. i dunno. sexuality is a powerful and dangerous thing. handle with caution. damn. i wonder. this shit is pretty personal. *shrug* (a typical amms shrug) but just you fucking wait. until i lay the shit down and tell you what my #1 stupid thing was... some people know... i told eric a few nights ago. but shhhh! it's drama! ----- amms wrote today about her sudden epiphany (a few years ago) that she wanted to stop playing silly games with boys and just find one good "right" man. hm. did i have any similar epiphany? i think that i was always in that mindset. not that i was actively searching for my soulmate at the age of 4, when i had my first crush on a girl... but i never was aware of all the games that people played when it came to relationships... from the time i was "relationship-aware," i always just wanted that one person who would make me happy... i didn't have any of that complex where i needed someone's affection to validate my feelings of self-worth or anything. i guess my parents did a good job of instilling a feeling of self-sufficiency. i grew up kind of a loner (an only child), so i was totally comfortable with myself, feeling complete on my own, blah blah blah. but i guess that i did go through some sort of transformation when i hit stanford... not so much a differing point of view on love, but on friends in general and making myself more dependent on people. being vulnerable is a precious thing. i dunno. i was trying to comment on amms's entry, but i'm just rambling now. i think this is enough writing for today. maybe i'll get hate mail or something from people who frown on my little escapades back in junior year. heh. to those people, i'll give you a cheerful *fuck off* because i made my mistakes, i learned from them, and i'm a better person, ok? right. yay! happy friday! i wanna see POTA before i leave! (pota = _planet of the apes_) oh. one more thing: goodbye, jo-ann. i love you. |