| 25 jul 2001 FUCK FUCK FUCK. you know, when i swallow, the pain shoots up my entire face like a big flash. last night, i could hardly sleep. because i'd get all this stupid nasal drippage, and when i swallowed it, the intense pain that would result would just jolt me wide awake. yeah. i really should spit all the drippage out... the fact that my stomach has all this nasty mucous in it is the main reason why i'm puking/heaving so much... i swear i must have like a pint of this gnarly shit in my system right now. i'm taking advil right now for the sole purpose of dulling the swallowing pain. yeech. oh, and because i watched _real world_ last night, my sleep was fucked up even more. basically, my brain was set up so that i had to dream in each cast member's perspective. so i had to dream a dream for lori. and then i woke up, and i had to dream one for mike. and then for coral. and so on. FUCKED UP, that's what i'm saying! why is my brain so vulnerable to the things i've been watching (_real world_) and listening to (vienna teng)? shit. lori is a hottie. she mentioned last night in a pre-episode about how time heals. she said it's the best thing and the worst thing. the worst because you just have to wait it out before you start healing. and it's the best thing because time is always there to help you get through things. ha! she was talking about heartache. but it can be applied to being sick, i guess. i just have to wait it out, and i'm just praying that my sickness quota will be filled before this friday. but then again, when it comes to terminal illness, there is no reprieve. you're just fucked then. too bad, i guess so amms and rita both had rants of sorts! well, one lengthier than the other, but in any case, i was flattered that my offhand comment yesterday about wanting people to rant was at least heard. yay me. oh, and winnie had a rant today too. she was all talking about how she didn't like giving men head. i can see how it might be kinda gross and un-fun, but... hm. what do i want to say about it? well, i don't know if she enjoys receiving oral sex, because for a guy, going down on a girl has the same arguments going against it... i.e. it's near where all the pee comes out, it's not necessarily clean, you get pubes brushing against your face, the pungent musky smells, the face cramping up. the only thing that i can concede to her is the gag reflex. personally, i'm fine with either act because it's an act of giving pleasure to your loved one. yeah, i can get a little tedious at times, or even painful, but i like the idea of making someone go completely fish-flapping bonkers because of something i was doing. i will admit, though, that i've given head hundreds of times more than i've received it. there are reasons, but this paragraph is getting kinda long. there. i think that's the first time i've talked about sex. is it? *ponder* anyways. no big deal for me. dude. eric has a webcam! it's private, though. but i think webcams are great things. although i think he should just get wacky sometimes and perform for us. i know he won't do it, but i guess i've still got survivorcam ideas in my head after following that whole competition. people did some crazy shit during that game. i'd like to get one. but the problem is it'd have to be at work. and i can't do anything crazy (like moon you guys) when i'm at the office. so that kinda defeats the whole purpose. i don't want you guys to just stare at me sitting in my chair all day long. but yeah, it is an entirely added dimension to the exhibitionistic things that we online people can display publicly. neat-o! i just checked my credit card bill. it was just under a thousand dollars this month. i don't think i've had a >$1K month since i broke up with karine. and we didn't do that much stuff! it was mainly me paying for meals for both of us, i guess. but here's a mini-rant. what is UP with girls who go out with guys, and don't bother bringing any cash? what the fuck? do they expect us to ALWAYS pay for them? to me, not bringing money when you KNOW you're going to be spending it (jointly) is just such an insult... it's like them saying, "i DEMAND you to pay for everything i do. you're my money bitch." i got really pissed when karine did that to me. no, this little rant isn't directed at karine, though. it's just that there are tons of women out there who want to have it both ways... they want complete freedom and equality, yet they want to be treated like little puppies and pampered. it doesn't work that way! it can't! that being said, though, it's almost instinctive for me to pay for both of us when i'm going out with a girl. weird, huh? i actually don't mind doing it, as long as the girl appreciates it and doesn't take it for granted. ok. i just got back from dim sum. all the grease is congealing in my stomach along with all the mucous shit... i don't feel so good. argh. i might to for a leisurely puke in the loading docks later. but at least i'm getting my appetite back. i can always tell if i'm not well if i don't eat. sigh. yesterday, i AIM'ed rita for the first time. near the end, she mentioned her ex during a little blurb about lasik eye surgery. and i suggested that she write an expose on her ex one of these days in her journal. she was like "no." and i was like, "I WANT THE JUICE! GIVE ME THE JUICE!" and again, she was like "no." ah well. i think it'd be a good topic, still. and then dishi found me on AIM. and i started wondering... how many of you incognito readers would be sleuthy enough to search me out on AIM? how many of you would actually gather up the guts to chat with me? i wonder. first, i kind of got freaked out about it while talking to eric, so i turned off my searchable stat. but now that i think about it, i don't really care. so i'm gonna make myself searchable once again. there. just did it. one sad note: tonight's gonna be the last time (assuming i make it to taiko practice) i'm gonna see jo-ann. and i don't think i'll see her again for the rest of my life... she's gonna go back to singapore for at least six years, and that's her home, you know, so chances are she's gonna stay there. it makes me sad. it's not _too_ bad, though, because luckily, i'm out of that whole jo-ann-love phase, otherwise i'd be really destroyed. yeah, we're not the great friends that we were back then, and ever since she started going out with ricky, we never talk any more... but i'm just glad she's out there, and that someday we might start talking again. that's about it. *sniff* but i will always have a reminder of her in my car... that little japanese robot clock she gave me last summer will keep hanging from my rearview mirror... and it will always stay on tokyo time. after requesting rants from my online journal friends, i really wanted to give you guys a nice rant of my own, but i just can't come up with enough passion or even a subject matter right now. sorry! maybe next time, somebody will have pissed me off enough for me to scribble out a nice healthy venting piece of my own. until then... wish me good healthy thoughts. i wanna get better! |