| 12 jul 2001 so last night i used evite for the first time to send out the invitation for our housewarming party.� hm.� silly thing didn't go through to all the people on the list, so now i have to personally e-mail them.� stupid service. we'll see how it turns out... it's my first time hosting an event.� see, for the last two years at lenox, we would have some parties, but my guests were vastly outnumbered by the sheer MULTITUDE of the other housemates' vast network of friends... so i basically wandered around the house feeling like _i_ was a guest. but, even though i didn't feel like a host, i still felt responsible for the house, so i would stalk around the place, making sure people didn't spill... some of the people were crazy... one guy lit a carton on fire by accidentally turning on the gas stove... another guy started making toast.� TOAST!� sheesh. meanwhile, the two host brothers who actually OWNED the house were off getting trashed somewhere, so they were totally unaware of stuff... and that kinda pissed me off.� but yeah, those parties were kinda crazy.� people started making out in the closets, some girls hooked up (yup.� girls).� one girlfriend started making out with someone else, blah blah.� i just think that the people didnt know how to handle alcohol, which is something i really don't respect. so i'm IM'ing amabelle right now, and i asked her how she is when she gets pissed.� it doesn't really matter what she said, except that it reminded me of how i try to deal with pissed girlfriends.� heh.� i never failed to cause a lot of fights with my strange behavior.� kristie had this habit of running away, and karine would just get really cold and want to leave.� so i guess they both didn't want to talk about it. i would try really hard to get them to talk and vent their emotions.� which, i realize, was more of a selfish thing than truly thinking that it was the best way to settle our differences.� basically, i would get scared when they were off fuming by themselves.� why?� because my pessimistic nature would get all worked up and freaked out that maybe i had finally driven them over the edge, and a breakup was imminent.� *shiver*� i would get all panicky and paralyzed, thinking "uh oh... NOW i've done it."� so i just tried to get them to talk, but only to find out if they were thinking of breaking up.� i was such a wimp, huh? but yeah.� sometimes it _is_ better just to let someone go to air it out.� i know that there are definitely some times when i would rather be left alone.� but i definitely would want to discuss what happened later. ha!� i just typed "pubes" in my chat!� speaking of pubes, last night's _southpark_ was pretty outrageous.� which is like.� shit.� there was masturbation, horse fellatio (i.e. a HORSE performing it), and pubes!� some teenager sold cartman his pubes, and cartman thought that's how you get them.� ha. hm.� i could get a little more personal about my own growing up dealings with pubes, but... hm.� i think i'll stop here.� i just remember the first time i saw a guy with pubes, and i was like, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"� heh.� but in any case, i don't remember that phase of my life between not having pubes and having a bush in my crotch.� i don't even know at what age my first pube sprouted.� but.� well.� anyways. jay really likes _southpark_.� he's pretty satisfying to hear him laugh out loud.� he has a really animated and loud one.� sometimes i wonder if it was really that funny, but hey... he's enjoying it, and that's a good thing to behold. i like the way _southpark_ pushes the envelope of raunch.� it's a kind of show that i would create if i were an animator.� lots of swearing, crass subjects... not that it'd be raunchy all the time, but i would enjoy the freedom of letting my mind wander around various subjects. heh.� pubes.� HAHAHAHA.� now all i can think about is pubes.� have you ever... never mind. my friends say i would be pretty good on the _real world_.� i dunno.� there are a lot of strong personalities on the show.� i don't know if i could deal with that.� my silliness comes out when i'm comfortable, but... among 6 other strangers... hm. that's how i was when i first stepped foot at stanford... i was really quiet.� there was me, and like 43 other strangers.� i was pretty much petrified.� but one day, i can't remember, i just blew up.� got really silly and weird.� i dunno.� i guess some switch in my brain just turned on that it was ok for me to be myself in front of the all these people... and i just did it. i really miss those days.� mainly because those were days without my tourette's.� i can't remember what it's like to go through life and not have to worry about my next upcoming tic.� now, living will always include at least some part of my life fretting about bothering people with my annoying tics. anyways... yeah.� dardy on _real world_.� how would i deal with coral?� shit.� i think she's fucking chew me out for not knowing when black history month is, either.� (is it february?)� that girl is so full of herself.� i cringed when she said, "he couldn't handle THIS *points at herself*"� what kind of stupid crazy egomaniac bitch would say that about herself? i thought about applying sophomore year, when i saw that ad for the san francisco casting.� but... i guess my reality was that my parents would have axed my neck had i stopped out of school to be on a tv show. i wonder how people who only got to know me recently (like this journalling group, for instance) would react if they saw me with my full-blown tourette's.� i think they'd really shocked and perhaps alienated by the freak in my brain.� in some way, i just pray every day that it'll never get that bad again, and i can put those horrors behind me... yet, i am all too aware that it could just as easily come back, just like it came back my junior year from nowhere. eek. how depressing.� tourette's is something i wouldn't wish on anybody. i have this daruma.� a daruma is a japanese doll of a face with two big blank eyes.� the gist is that you color in a pupil when you come up with a wish or a goal.� and when that wish or goal is fulfilled, you color in the other eye. mine is still without pupils. because the thought of a permanent reminder that i failed at something (probably something really important to me) would just haunt me.� it would eat at me... a fucking one-eyed daruma. |