| 10 jul 2001 BITE ME IN THE ASS. fuck me.� today was an up and down day.� or rather, down and semi-up day.� had it written this entry before lunch, it would have been VASTLY different.� and i would have created some unnecessary drama.� ha.� that's a fucking understatement. prior to lunch, i think i was kinda destroyed.� flattened.� floored.� i went out for a smoke, looking for a primal "FUCK" to scream out, but a coworker was out there, so i just kept it inside.� i tried to save all the angst for my basketball game, but it just didn't come out... i had some really SHIT games today. but after we finished playing, i just took the ball, and slammed it off the court.� then i kicked my gatorade bottle as hard as i could.� then i started screaming. ha.� all for nothing man. so basically, here's what happened (snippet from the AIM chat with amabelle): am---: this may sound arrogant... am---: hehe... ch---: go on... am---: but it's not meant to be !@#^@$#@$^!^&#� WHAT?� WE'RE not meant to be?� holy shit man!� (i'm tired.� i can't emphasize how much that just stunned me.� you should've seen my face when she typed it.) and so i went off on my lunch break thinking that amms had just NEGGED me really hard.� i was a broken man.� no.� really.� BROKEN. i rattled off an e-mail to her before i drove off to pick up steve.� i basically told her that i was rather deflated, and blah blah blah.� you know, i needed to get in the last word of a failed pursuit. so after i got back from lunch, she e-mails me back with "i'm sick.� i'm out of it.� i don't know what i said" and stuff like that, and i'm like "what?� you have NO freakin' recollection of how you just KILLED to me?" and stuff.� she caught me on AIM, and we talked about stuff, and it turns out... yeah... i TOTALLY misread what she typed.� ah.� the light turns on... "she didn't mean to be arrogant."� that's what she meant.� duh. shit.� i wonder what this says about my optimist/pessimist balance... you know, where they can experiment with some dual-meaning statements, and see if you take to heart the positive one or the negative one... well, in this case, i turned out to be a MEGA pessimist, huh?� but alas... the lesson learned here... the DANGERS of chats. so i basically shit THREE bricks out of my ass... for nothing! basically things are back to normal.� funny thing... i've made it a habit to save my chats (you know... because i'm a documenter, a journalist, and a packrat), and that chat i freaked out over was labelled: "amabelle7_ENDGAME"� HAHAHAHA.� i'm SUCH a drama king, aren't i? but seriously... this online documentation of my chase is whack.� i've gotten some people trying to give me some advice.� some people say i'm brave.� others express trepidation that i'm fucking up my chances from the get-go.� but anyways, i think i'm gonna lay off this nitty-gritty detailing a bit.� not totally (because there's no way that i can get myself to avoid talking about it), but i don't want to shoot my self in the foot, you know?� after all... it's MY heart that we're dealing with. amabelle and i were saying how this would be labelled "reality internet" entertainment... fun for everyone!� voyeurs, come one and come all!� see dardy make a fool of himself by posting his pangs of love for all to see!� ha. but i was thinking last night... it IS really odd that i'm doing this.� i mean, in some way, i think my need for journalling and documentation has robbed me of my reason... i mean, no REASONABLE man would do this, right?� i mean, i know of at least one journallist ( it's one thing to rant about ex's.� because those relationships are over and done with.� but it's quite another to write about current events in this landscape.� alas.� time will tell if i'm being a fucking idiot or not. ok.� i have more to say about this, but i think i'm gonna save it for another day when i'm not emotionally spent.� :) one more thing.� the chase is bliss.� well, not bliss like food-coma-unbuckle-your-pants-and-burp bliss... but it's just damn exciting.� and i think the reason why it's so great is because it's UTOPIAN.� meaning... during the chase, there's a whole WORLD of possibility and fantasy for you to play with... you're not saddled down by the reality of it all... it's a rare time when you have the chance to mix the real image of a beautiful person and the fantastical whimsies of your romantic imagination. and that's why i love the chase. ----- anybody watching _real world_?� anybody think coral's a bitch?� or that mike is a total ignoramus?� it was totally expected that they'd put together a racially-inexperienced white-boy doof like mike and a super-strong/super-proud black woman like coral... but... what i REALLY dig is sexual tension.� *slurps that shit up*... lori and kevin!� damn.� both of them are really good looking.� lori's a little unconventional, but she's got that linda fiorentino look to her... (after watching _the last seduction_, i immediately became a linda fiorentino fan, depite the crap roles she's gotten in _men in black_ and _jade_). but yeah.� watching lori and kevin interact... i get all giddy.� the few times i've been in such high-tension moments with girls, it's like... FUCKING WOW.� i swear, i'm about to explode.� no, silly, not explode in my pants, but explode in my head.� sheesh, man.� you fucking dirty minds. heh.� but anyways, i'm gonna try to watch the show.� tuesdays at 10 on mtv.� the big shame was that i taped it last tuesday, but i ran out of tape, so i didn't catch the end of the show.� shit. anyways.� it's hard to write this and IM someone else (jay's girlfriend steph) at the same time.� so i'm gonna call it quits for today.� i hope not every day that i deal with amabelle isn't like today.� otherwise, i'm gonna die of a heart attack.� :) (sorry to dishi who's been waiting for this entry for an hour.� HA) |