| 7 jul 2001 hm. i'm not in the right mood right now. meaning, i'm not quite schizophrenic enough to pull off what i wanted to do earlier. i had this brilliant idea of writing this journal entry from two very polar perspectives... one cheerful and chipper, and the other dark and utterly bitter. not in a very good disposition right now. i'm kinda surprised that i'd get this way, because it's very much an "old dardy" side of me that i haven't gotten in touch with in a long time. so basically... i feel very insecure. and that's a rare thing these days. the day ended yesterday with this taiko roundup we had at the house kara was housesitting for. i am always cheerful around taikofolk, albeit really lazy and lounge-y sometimes. there were six of us cozily chatting in the living room... sipping the hooches and mike's hard lemonades i bought at safeway earlier. i even went back to safeway again (same cashier, even) to get some salsa for the tortilla chips... and then i got a hankering for some stouffer's tuna noodle casserole (the BEST microwaveable meal around), so i bought one for a late night snack. a funny thing happened when i walked through the bread aisle... i smelled the unmistakable odor of onion rolls, so sonya pointed them out to me on the racks, and i just took a bag, stuffed it into my face, and took a huge whiff. then i put the onion rolls back on the shelf. right then, a safeway worker walked by, and gave me a really strange look. duh. i'm surprised she didn't make me buy it, seeing as how i stuck my big honkin' nose into the foodstuff. the original idea was to have a sleepover, but the house was just very unaccomodating... the hardwood floors made it impossible to camp out in the living room, and the other bedrooms were way too small. so we all wound up just going home at around 3am. i got some really shitty sleep (alcohol cloud from the four drinks i had), and woke up feeling very unsatisfied to the alarm telling me it was time to drag my ass out of bed and head to lucy's tea house. i was the second one there, with steven sitting there behaving very nicely when i arrived. we had a little chat before adam (all of us relatively local to lucy's) came and joined us. about fifteen minutes later, amabelle, john, bill, and rita walked in. quick points: we had lunch, drank tea, played games, talked. then we headed over to adam's swank shagpad to hang out. we ogled his collection of apple newton's, played with his camera (he wound up taking like sixty pictures), etc. adam has a pretty sweet place. very lived in. so the whole point of this is that i was really pissed at myself during the whole outing. i just didn't feel like my usual chipper self. i get these rare bouts of self-loathing that apparently must have happened today. why? little things. like being really shitty at games. it doesn't happen often, but when it comes to things like playing pool or cards, i just feel really small. because i didn't grow up with them (pseudo lonely only child syndrome). yet, they seem like such basic skills to have... basic games for basic social outings. how the hell did i grow up without them? stuff like that. i was telling eric yesterday over IM, i have a hard time breaking character... once i settle in a certain mode at the beginning, my mind doesn't let me change. it's like i'm stuck in a movie or something, and since the script's already established me as a certain person, i lose the freedom to become someone else. it's really odd. but very prevalent in my social behavior. i have this "sizing up" thing that i go through when i first start hanging around people i don't know. i mentally measure myself against them... like how interesting they appear to be. how they're dressed. how they behave. their perceived social stature. and from there, depending on how well i rank among them, i decide how i will behave. why i do that... i don't know. but i do. i really want to bitch about stuff. about me. the gist of it comes down to the fact that i hate the way i interact with people sometimes. something in my head has it all figured out that i can't act natural... i just get really quiet and brooding. and i fucking HATE that. i see how i am with my friends, and i really like that person. i feel unrestrained and happy and free and... well, basically myself. but among new crowds, i have such a strong reflex against my myself. i retreat into my wallflower nature, and i start getting really upset. and then this whole attitude kicks in, where i just go... fuck the world. fuck you all. it's my mental justification of feeling alone. it's a little tag of reason for why i'm not conversing with anyone. there MUST have a reason, so as my mind makes one up, it just settles on the notion that i just don't care about anyone, and THAT'S why i don't act social. hm. i'm not very clear. it's really hard to describe the things my mind does. really hard to put that into words. but it's SO familiar to me... today i got a glimpse of the old shy scared me coming back to life. and that really pisses me off. i fucking HATE that side of me. oh, and what the fuck happened to my brain? i used to be SO smart... so sharp. snappy. just plain fucking brilliant. where did that go? my mental skills are just firing off at the rate of flea hopping through a puddle of molasses. it bugs me. i wonder if it's the haldol i'm taking... but i think the reality of it is that i can't hang my excuses on my medication... i've just gotten really dumb. ah. so. this entry sucked ass. so what. fuck off. i'm in a nine inch nails mood. if you want to be pissed and in a dark, foul, solitary mood, and you want to totally WALLOW in it, listen to "something i can never have...," get really depressed, and then blast "ruiner." i think i'm gonna go and do that now. it's been a while. hatred and angst are old friends of mine. ha. *extends middle finger* |