| 5 jul 2001 first off, check out adam's photojournal of yesterday's barbeque on his site.� he even has a page dedicated to us journalists.� and then there's amabelle's coverage. ----- so.� shit.� i've taken one of my contemplative smokes, and i think i'm gonna go through and say what i'm going to say.� after all, this _is_ MY journal, so i'm going to go with a "i don't give a fuck" attitude that apparently i'm sort of known for. this is what adam e-mailed me this morning: "i think that you have a crush on amabelle, by the way.� would i be correct in assuming that hypothetical?� :)" uh.� hm.� err... DUH.� i told him that was a rhetorical question.� isn't it OBVIOUS? yeah, i like her. so there.� i put it out there.� i liked amabelle (in that first impression kind of mode) when i first came across her site about two weeks ago.� i thought she was good-looking, and as she wrote more journal entries, i started liking her thoughts and writing as well. i'm not particularly fond of the word "crush" because it's such a fleeting superficial kind of sentiment, but i guess it's a good qualifier, because i don't feel like i know her well enough to elevate the status of my feelings.� so i'll keep it at that undesirable word for now. there's really not much more to say about it, except for the fact that I SAID IT.� as private as this journal is, i'm completely aware that amabelle is going to read this, and i'll have to wait for her response, if there is one.� yes, it's a rush, like i've said before.� revealing things like this on my journal can drastically change the landscape of my life, especially when the involved parties find out what i said.� but in this case, i want her to find out about it. i think she's a little naive when it comes to relationships.� in our first chat on AIM, she basically said that she's turned down offers by other guys asking her out.� (which doesn't bode well for me.)� but more importantly, she expressed concerned that she may not be ready for anything right now, which kind of surprised me, since i think she's at a mature enough age to handle being in a relationship in an adult sort of way.� maybe i'm wrong. but yeah, she is quite loveable. i'm not particularly burning to ask her out right now, because i don't know her well enough.� i know that people can just as easily date and get to know each other in the process, but that's not my method of operation.� i'm always a "friends first" kind of guy.� or at least, i have been in the past.� i like having a foundation of friendship to build on, trying to keep it in platonia and then letting natural hormonal tendencies to take it further. yeah, it's a dangerous way, though.� it totally blew up in my face with jo-ann, who told me that she had already categorized me into the "cool big brother" bin by the time i got the nerves to tell her how i felt.� and ironically, despite that whole "foundation" thing that i work on, i have yet to remain friends with my ex's.� so maybe i'm going about it all wrong.� the world wonders... on the drive back from the shindig at the beach, adam asked me if there are some things i say on my journal that i would have a hard time saying in real life.� dude.� totally.� it's not just confined to journals, though.� even e-mail and the printed word in general (i.e. letters) have a way of buffering the emotional power of some deep feelings.� i know that there are a lot of things that kristie/karine and i exchanged over e-mail that would have been fucking hard to say to each other's face. and i'm glad we all have this other venue of communication.� writing allows us to take the time to sort out our thoughts.� it can help us avoid being misunderstood.� it can put us at a safe distance from extreme emotional reactions. however, it should by NO means be a substitute for real life conversation, though.� it's merely a tool for faciliating some discussions.� e-mail/journal writing/letters are good for that gray area between standard chit-chat and super-personal revelations.� for the latter category, sometimes you just have to say it in person.� that goes without saying; only a wuss would break up over a letter, and only an emotional wimp would say "i love you" in an e-mail. but yeah, after thinking about what adam said, i kind of got concerned and upset about my growing dependency on my journal.� in some way, i'm definitely grateful i have this added powerful avenue for expression.� but i'm also very wary of the fact that i might be relying on it too much, and i might be using it as a substitute for occasions when i really need lay it out live.� most of the people i know (myself included) try to avoid confrontational situations, so we just take the easy way out.� i'm just afraid that my journal has become that kind of escape. so yeah.� even so, i'm not degrading the words in my journal.� i may very well freak amabelle out, which i am totally aware of.� but if there ever was a time when i can treat my journal like my very own private outlet for my thoughts and emotions, this is one of them.� so there you go.� i wonder if i'm making a mistake by this treatment... because i'm not so dumb as to think that this journal is private... especially when i know she's going to read it. all hail the exhibitionists!� i've certainly become one. ah, the DRAMA of it all.� i guess you could say i like creating drama.� i staggered into rahul's cube today and showed him the coverage of the bbq on adam's and amabelle's site.� i was like, "THERE!� she's the one that i like."� and seeing how giddy i was, rahul just laughed, and said that he finds it vastly entertaining that i can get so worked up about stuff.� he was there when i blew up over kristie's engagement.� and he was also there when i was deeply disturbed by karine's cosmetic surgery.� so he's gotten the brunt of all the dardy-reactions i've gone through in the past month. ----- i have three huge letters written on the back of my hand for all to see.� S.� E.� X.� yeah, i forgot to return phuong's _sex and the city_ tape to her today.� so i wrote "sex" on my hand as a reminder.� ah... feels like i'm in college again... reliance on hand scribblings in place of having an organizer or post-its or a palm pilot. the girls at the front desk were like, "dude... that's crazy... you just wrote the word 'SEX' on your hand!"� i didn't give a shit.� i guess i'm in a "fuck it all" kind of mood right now. ironic.� how amabelle mentioned in yesterday's entry about how it might be fun to create some drama by chasing someone out of her league.� not that i think she's out of my league, but for some reason, i think she's a toughie. i like my emotions.� i like the fact that i can get so bothered or so mad or so happy.� i've definitely toned down my emotional rollercoaster's dynamic range, but apparently, i've got quite a lot of curve in my emotional arc.� maybe it's my tourette's and how it lets my brain go in hyperdrive, jettisoning a shitload of endorphins or something.� man.� who needs drugs when you've got tourette's.� but yeah.� feelings = good shit.� i do hope i stay this way for the rest of my life.� life should stay interesting and exciting. hm.� i have taiko practice tonight.� i seem to play my best when i'm rolling on emotional waves... and seeing how i've got this huge cloud of sentiment over my head, i'm just ripe for some bad-ass drum beating tonight. all right.� let the drama begin. |