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| 3 jul 2001 so that's me holding the keys to the red jeep in LA.� i dunno.� i've rented twice from dollar rent-a-car, and both times they've run out of the requested standard mid-sized car, so they've "upgraded" me to other cars... the first time, i got a silver ford mustang, and the second time, this red jeep.� i guess it's a good thing, since i get to zip around in neat vehicles. but you can see how this car is really noticeable.� and why i was a little afraid to cruise in ghetto areas in it.� luckily dishi and i came out unscathed, except for our wallets. the car apparently has a 4.0 liter engine, but it really has no pickup at all.� so i was kind of disappointed. those red shoes i have on above are the red vans revert's.� i saw them in maxim magazine or some tacky men's magazine that my ex-roommate paul had... i immediately knew that i wanted them, so i looked all around the web for them... finally got them shipped up here from a store in LA.� i'm very happy with them. ----- i'm kinda pissed.� not at anyone in particular.� but if you read amabelle's entry today, she is getting pressure to stop writing in her journal.� and censorship really pisses me off, especially for the reasons which she gave me (which i won't reveal here).� i don't get it.� what is so wrong with a person who is forthcoming with personal thoughts and details?� i really dig that stuff... i _like_ people who aren't afraid to express themselves and their feelings.� even her rambling entry on orange tic tacs and how she didn't understand them... little stuff like that just adds extra nuances and dimensions to one's personality, and i love reading it. ugh.� so... shame on whoever is stifling amabelle's writing!� bad bad! sigh.� when i found out after reading her journal, i immediately IM'ed her and got some more details.� i ranted a little bit, but i guess it's her decision whether to crumble under the pressure.� but she did tell me later that she's going to continue writing for the time being, which is good. i offered to allow her to guest-star on my journal once in a while if she was truly shut down.� actually, i think i'd like my friends to fill in for me occasionally, too.� we'll see about that. ----- fuck it's hot out there.� i played basketball today, and within minutes, i was sweating all over the place.� yuck.� have you ever tasted your own sweat?� it's salty shit!� one time, after the first day or tennis camp, i got home and collapsed in bed.� i woke up with salt crystals on my skin... quite neat.� in texas in august, the temperature on the court can get up to 115 or something like that.� my mom says she thinks playing texas summer tennis is sheer torture. shit, man.� my boss came in while i was writing, and he asked me about some of the work that i haven't started yet.� boy, do i feel like a little ball of shit in a dark corner somewhere.� oh well.� i better finish this up and get cracking on my job. it's amazing how little my job means to me right now.� it's lost all the shades of being an activity that is supposed to develop my skill and knowledge.� it's merely a way to earn money so i can either save it up or spend it on stuff i like.� i know life is much more than just working at a job, but it's just weird because all my academic life, the whole "get good grades" and stuff... it was all supposed to result in what?� landing a good job.� but nobody ever teaches you what comes after the education part of our lives... it's all about finding a vocation, and then... nothing. i learned the hard way that i am supposed to take vacations once in a while.� i pretty much worked really hard for two and a half straight years after i graduated, and it really hurt.� i had two massive nervous breakdowns coupled with astronomically bad tourette's... i was so fucked up, my mom started crying when she and my family visited.� i have to give credit to karine for sticking by me during those times, and my friends for trying to cheer me up... but honestly, during my little meltdowns and stuff, i'm the only one who can pull myself out of it... my friends came and dragged me out to lunch, and i was totally off in my little psycho world, swaying in my chair, and not being able to eat.� it was really scary.� i wonder how i would have reacted if i had seen myself in that state.� it reminds me that my brain is really delicate... and it needs its rest. so after that, i was never the same.� i never worked hard again.� i guess it was a reaction against the experience of knowing what intensity in the workplace can do to me, and i was just really afraid of going through it again.� alas.� the following year, i went through two more episodes like that... stupid me, i quit my job where i could have coasted all i wanted, and in my mercenary "i want to retire" mode, i went to another startup and slaved away.� and i got burned again by the stress.� amazing how i didn't learn my lesson.� i guess greed can do that to me. ----- i feel a little bit sheepish.� you know that tiffany girl i was talking about, the one i gave the "supercute" award to from the taiko conference?� well, i dug out her e-mail address on the web yesterday and wrote her a short blitz.� standard shit about how she was good at the concert and all. but anyway, my conference cohort dishi did some digging around after i told him about it, and he saw that i had also signed the guestbook of her taiko group, and i was like "yeah!� tell tiffany i said hi and stuff!"� *runs away embarrassed and hides in a corner* so yeah.� sheepish.� dishi's seen me in my silly chasing mode.� not that i really envision going out with tiffany or anything, but i just get a kick out of connecting with people.� like that ruth girl i met at the taiko invitational back in may... i sleuthed out her e-mail address, and we wrote back and forth a few times, and now i've forgotten her.� i guess i like the theory that everybody is approachable, and i can contact that them and get them to talk to me... it makes me feel less isolated from the world, knowing that all connections are possible. but it must seem really spooky or sketch, and i understand that.� but then again, i don't mind getting e-mail from random strangers... some of them i write back once, and then i don't feel a need to continue the conversation, but others... they just might become good friends or at least decent acquaintances.� i dunno.� i'm always up for a good repartee of words. so there ya go.� i wasn't going to bring this up, and i was going to leave dishi being the sole owner of the knowledge of how i am a horrible sick internet stalker, but now all of you know.� ha. |