| 2 jul 2001 ah. back to updating at work. it's a little late (almost 5pm) for my normal time, but i had to do some real work for a bit, fight through my lunch food coma, and i was chatting with amabelle on AIM. it's an interesting thing that she went through on her journal. basically, i decided to ask her if she liked eric, because she brought him up on some random occasions during our chats. and i got a little hunch or something, but apparently, i was wrong or something. which is fine, because you can be correct on your hunches only so many times before you're mistaken. but amabelle put our little correspondence on her journal. she asked me thursday before i left for LA whether it was ok, and i was like, "sure, but ask eric, because it really is about _him_." and she told me today that her sister and friends were against such talk, because they were worried about potential negative consequences. hm. that whole alienation issue popped up in my mind. when you reveal personal details about someone that you know might (or rather, will) find out, then you risk weirding them out and making them uncomfortable. like if i said, "dude, amabelle's cute," (which i do think) and what'll happen? it's kind of a rush, i must say. because you might cause something irreversible in your relationship with that person. maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. and that uncertainty makes it exciting. but anyways... i'd be curious to see all four of us (in the so-called "incestuous" group that eric labelled us) together in one venue. hey amabelle! you have to come to the vienna teng thing at eric's house! ----- back to the taiko conference. on saturday night, i witnessed something that i found to be utterly heartwarming. basically, while everyone was dancing outside, after the concert, shoji started beating a plastic trash can, and jamming along. he was totally in his element, on top of this brick platform, churning out music for everyone to dance to. he had a smile so wide... and emi and dishi and i were just sitting/standing a ways away, watching people dance. we didn't move. and while i was fuming and upset about that whole "i'm not japanese" thing, emi just stood there, pretty much motionless. she might have been bored, a little cold, or whatever, but she just let shoji play. and that's beautiful. because she loves shoji for who he is. and she lets him be himself. and that's more than anything you can ask from a loved one... ah... love. emi and shoji are a great couple. watching them together really makes me happy. and a little jealous. :) now, i'm not advocating that we should just the other person totally ignore us while they do their own thing. but i think it's a wonderful thing when you don't try to change the other person too much... and you let them have their own space and their own element, that's separate from you. and if you still love them all the same, that's a good kind of love. ----- ok. i'm going out for a smoke. be right back. i realized yesterday that my friend emi is the first girl that i've known who i can honestly say that i love, yet that love is without any physical dimension to it. to it's a 100% platonia kind of affection. that's why i think i think of her like a sister... and no, even though i think it's really kinky and neat to go out with that kind of friend (a so-called incestuous relationship, which i don't have a problem with), i don't have any of those feelings for emi... i've never been able to feel comfortable in platonia before. if i could be that good of a friend to a girl, i'd variably want to get together. it's a tough thing usually... to love someone else and not want to have anything more than friendship. so i think it's a sign that i'm mature enough to have a good, healthy platonic friendship. ha! for once, the _when harry met sally_ theory has been refuted in my life! ----- clare mentioned how i haven't mentioned her since two months ago. yeah. well, she left school and went back to taiwan for a while... so yeah, it was just a few e-mails here and there... she's quite a chatty girl. anyways, she told me today how she spent part of the weekend fixing stuff around the house. like stalling the AC... holy shit! a handyman girl! and even though she didn't have a toolbelt and shot her buttcrack, she did wear some short black shorts... pretty sexy, i must say... a girl fixing shit around the house in a hot little outfit like that... seems like a fantasy pictorial just waiting for some coverage in some skin mag... she commented on my desire for having a new woman in my life, and she wondered if it would actually be a good thing for me. well, i think so. because of that whole "i need a woman to feel like a complete person" kind of thinking. but i do wonder... the time sink into a relationship would do a lot to stifle my burgeoning social life right now. i really like having that freedom to do whatever i want without considering another person's schedule... i dunno. it's just a whole big huge balancing act. which i have yet to master. ideally, my relationship would be that of two rather independent people with their own social spheres. i don't want to be totally dependent on the other person for social interaction, and vice versa. that way, we'd get our own space. that much, i know: i need my space sometimes. but i don't want to neglect the other person of take her for granted, so... it's a fine line. hm. wonderment and wonderment. ---- shit. reminder to self. call karen before she leaves for guatemala. i haven't talked to her in a while. |