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| 1 jul 2001 the year is half over. yeah.� i'm finally back.� glad to be home.� before i talk about other stuff, that pic is me in front of a large drum called an odaiko.� the cool thing i realized after taking a closer look is that you can see my reflection in the painted skin.� those three swirlies represent three winds, i think. so.� there's a bit on my mind.� am i glad i went?� yes.� did i wallflower a lot?� fuck yeah. now.� wallflowering.� as much as i love taiko and all, i really don't know anybody out there in the community.� it was quite a stark contrast to my travelling buddy, dishi.� when we got there thursday night at the reception dinner thing, he was like "hi!"-ing a lot of random people, and i was like, "how the fuck do you know all these peeps?"� i spent a lot of time roaming around and pretending like i was looking for something important.� yeah.� but anyways... the taiko workshops weren't all that interesting to me.� a lot of it was really basic stuff, because they have to accomodate taiko players of all ranges of experience.� i'm NOT saying that i'm beyond basic instruction and refreshers, but i just didn't find anything incredibly useful.� i think the biggest thing i got out of it was seeing how large the taiko community was, and i did meet a few people.� just a few :) there definitely were some antisocial times, though.� last night, after the big concert, everybody gathered out in front of the theater, and some people started just jamming together, causing a MULTITUDE of people to start dancing these traditional japanese numbers.� it just turned me off.� one, because the people leading it were san jose taiko, those bastards (well, i'm being bitter here) who cut me, and two, i didn't know any of the dances. for the first time among taikofolk, i felt self-conscious about the fact that i'm NOT japanese.� i'm just as outsider as caucasian are.� it's not _MY_ heritage.� it was the first time it hit me so hard.� i just felt like in some way, it can't or shouldn't matter to me that much.� and that made me feel a little disturbed. before i get to my deeper thoughts, i'll just say that LA is a shithole.� traffic sucks, it's way too overpopulated, people are assholes on the road, and the poverty makes me really sad.� i got almost a dozen panhandlers coming up to me asking for money.� during one incident, a guy walked up to my car as i was getting ready to drive out.� he asked for three dollars to go to a HOSPITAL (it's fucking 2am; what, did he need an appendictomy of something?).� i just spoke japanese to him, looked confused, and convinced him that i didn't speak any english.� (now the question is, why didn't i just speak in chinese?� fuck, i'm chinese!) and parking!� there's no fucking parking, and you have to pay everywhere you go!� i must have spent like $40 or something on parking just for those four days.� damn. LA.� a fucking armpit of society. oh.� and there were some really GHETTO parts of downtown LA, where everything was taking place.� i mean, little tokyo was really nice, but right adjacent to it is this euphemism called "the toy district."� damn.� homeless people lining the streets.� really sad. and guess what?� our ride (rental car) was... a RED JEEP.� yeah.� talk about conspicuous and asking for trouble.� at first, they told me that they didn't have any normal cars for rent, and that all they had was a jeep.� i was like "fuck that's cool, i'll take it."� but when i saw it, my heart sank when i saw that it was flaming red because i knew that we would get gunned down... you couldn't miss it when you saw it parked on the street. ----- now... dishi and i stayed up (by the way, our hotel was a stinking nasty $40/night SHITHOLE) two of the nights and talked until past 3am or something.� i was surprised at how much i revealed to him about my thoughts.� we don't hang out that much, and our friendship is pretty casual... but hm.� maybe i was starved for some good conversation after wallflowering all day.� dishi is a talkative guy, so it was pretty cool chatting with him.� i think my favorite form of social interaction is still one-on-one-type things because people are more likely to get more personal. but anyways, after seeing the taiko concert and my friend shoji perform, i got really sad.� remember that it's shoji's group that i want to join someday.� basically, he's just too fucking good.� he's phenomenal.� he's a star.� a genius.� and i know that if i played with him, i would always be chasing him from afar. i guess there might be shades of a competitive thing going on here, but maybe not... i just think that i like to excel in what i do... i've been recognized for my piano, academics, and some other things.� and standing next to shoji... well, that would just show everybody how much i SUCK. it's a hard thing to be slapped with reality all the time. now i know that i can get good.� i have a lot of natural talent in most things i do.� that doesn't bug me.� what REALLY bugs me is that i'm just way too lazy to really apply myself.� in everything i do.� shoji practices stick control for hours every day.� just stick control... ...and what strikes fear to the very core of me is that i don't think (don't know) that i have that kind of dedication and discipline.� my whole life has been doing really well by coasting on my natural abilities.� my learning curve is really sharp, probably steeper than a lot of people's, but i plateau really quickly.� and i don't think that i've EVER broken out of that plateau before by truly applying myself. so i got depressed at the fact that i might not have it in me to play with the likes of shoji.� i know that i don't _have_ to be as good as him to play with him.� but i want to.� like i told dishi, i have kind of a "lazy man's jealousy."� i want to be known for my awesome skills, but i'm just too fucking unmotivated to do anything about my wishes.� and that really scares me. it scares me that i might never be truly great at something.� not for lack of skill, but for lack of passion and motivation.� that's pathetic.� and most of all, it's TRAGIC. ----- as i zipped around LA in my red jeep, i told dishi the biggest redeeming thing about this conference... the cute girls.� i only counted three, though. the cute award goes to this girl, emi.� not my good friend emi, but another one from UCLA's group.� very petite.� a very young, relaxed look.� yay emi. the SUPERcute award goes to tiffany from a taiko group in seattle.� she has one of the nicest smiles i've seen, and during our last time we met, i noticed that she has like awesome teeth.� good teeth apparently make for an even vwrrwe smile. i stared at them a lot. ha.� am i a little sick for ogling these young women?� fuck.� who cares.� beholding beauty makes me happy and appreciative.� it's a pure enjoyment of physical aesthetics, so damn.� i'll keep doing it. ----- one thing that i also realized while talking to dishi is that i don't think that i cannot balance a woman and taiko at the same time. it upsets me that i can't accomodate two incredibly important things in my life. i realized that taiko was a big cause of my ruin with kristie.� and my devotion to karine was a big reason why i didn't improve during my last two years with the group.� (this is NOT to say that i resent my relationship with karine... it was just a choice i made.� *phew*� i hate defending myself.) but anyways, i think a lot of this taiko career thinking is a result of being single.� i'm not terribly occupied, so i just think about playing taio and making it my "big thing."� but i am realistic enough about my life to know that i value a family over taiko... and ultimately, my choice would be the former. so.� WHAT THE FUCK am i doing with all these thoughts?� it's it just a waste of time?� isn't it never gonna happen?� shit.� i don't know where i my life is going.� single and taikoless.� double fucking whammy. ----- apparently, adam's photojournal of me created a little blip in my hit counts.� yay adam.� yay me. i got back with 17 e-mails in my inbox.� kinda disappointed.� half of it was shit anyway.� but hey... what's this about eric calling him, me, adam, and amabelle an "incestuous" group of online journallers?� ooh.� taboo label.� yeah, i think i am currently caught up with this little group because they're local.� and i have the opportunity to actually meet them and see if we can be real-life friends.� my life doesn't create many chances to meet new people, so obviously i'm kind of psyched when some fresh faces enter my social sphere.� but incest?� what, like we're going to have group sex or something?� HAHAHAHA.� no.� really.� they're all really neat people. anyways.� my mind is going.� better stop here. good to be back. |