| 17 dec 2001 "there's a club if you'd like to go you could meet somebody who really loves you so you go and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home and you cry and you want to die" so i got up this morning and headed over to palo alto medical foundation. dermatologist appointment. yeah. skin problems really sucks. and what's worse, they are usually benign, and they just sound gross and unappetizing. i had various things for the doctor to look at... those of you who have seen me recently probably know that it looks like i have a black eye or something... i have had this weird rash on my left eyelid for months. but anyways, i also had this little nubbin on my back check out. the doctor said it was a "scaly patch," which just sounds really disgusting. what, like i'm a reptile or something? but anyways, she FROZE it. yup. there was this big black thermos on the counter, and it was filled with liquid nitrogen. so she took this long cotten swab, dipped it in the cold stuff (which made this sizzling sound), and started rubbing it on my back. it felt like my skin was being pulled off my body, kind of a gross feeling. apparently, the theory is that the cold will cause this weird blister to form underneath the patch, and the new skin will grow underneath, and the scaly part will just fall off. anyways, i just nodded and thought about how they figure out how to do stuff like this... who came up with the idea of freezing the skin and seeing what happens afterwards? anyways, yeah... lots of weird shit happens to skin. i think we're fortunate that we don't all have more grotesque happenings on our epidermises. so now, i'm feeling the part where she froze me, and it's like a little lump. the doctor said it'll take two weeks to heal, and i'm like, "what?' i'm not going to last that long! i have a ridiculously strong compulsion to mess with my own body. arrrgh. one time, when i was like 10, i had this rather large piece of my skin ripped off on my knee from a bicycle accident. so i wound up having a scab the size of a silver dollar. and my friend's pool party was coming up, and my parents said that they were afraid my wound would get infected. so the night before, i basically picked off my entire scab (no, i didn't eat it), and the next morning, i said, "look mom! the scab is gone! i can go swim!" and she was horrified and banned me from the pool because it was actually worse to _not_ have the scab (which i didn't understand at the time). *sigh* the idiocy of childhood... let's see... the weekend was dreadfully boring for me. which was nice, because i always feel like i recharge the best when i've actually crossed the threshold into utter boredom, but then again, i feel shitty about myself for not doing anything interesting. i mean, it wasn't that bad... i saw _harry potter_ for the 2nd time with jay and margaret... both of them fell asleep, which kind of disappointed me, because i really wanted them to get into the movie as much as i was into it... (i really think having read the book helps the interest level for some reason, like you spent all this time reading that you actually want to enjoy the movie version to its fullest). saturday i played like five hours of halo, and finished two levels. the snow level was ridiculously long, and one of the other levels was just really monotonous... the floors were all the same, and you had to do four of them or something, which was just dumb. i still have this compulsion to play, but i've been keeping it in check. i have a sort of love/hate relationship with the game. see, first person shooters like this always make me feel a bit lonely. because you're just this one dude in this HUGE expanse of a world, trying to survive. it's a very bleak scenario. sometimes i feel spooked, especially in levels that are foggy or set in dark buildings. very spooky shit. i feel better playing when jay's around (as a cooperative character in the game, not "around" as in he's in the apartment). i finally got jeremy to try a loaded burrito. by "loaded" i mean a burrito stuffed with extra goodies like sour cream and guac and other stuff, not just the standard rice, beans, meat. we stopped by bueno bueno, which so far makes the largest burrito for under $6 that i have seen. i recommended the charro, which is the fabulous burrito that has GARLIC in it. god damn it's good shit. so all three of us (kate was the third person) got charros, and i'm glad they liked it. i almost fainted when i took the first bite, because it was 7pm, and that was my only meal of the day. so fucking good. we then proceeded to watch the stanford basketball team play long beach state, which was a pretty good game in the first half, because the opposition kept it close. after halftime, food coma overtook me, and despite having drunk a coke, i fell sleep sitting up on the futon. i even heard myself snore. woozy times. after the game, we debated watching _not another teen movie_, which i want to see even though i know it's going to be really bad. i dunno. i grew up on teen movies, and i still watch them (like _she's all that_, rachael leigh cook is so foxy!). i don't think i'll ever outgrow stuff like _the breakfast club_ and all the other john hughes movies. but anyways, kate was sleepy, so we just kept coasting on the silence until it was too late to go. now sunday... well, that's a sad story. i didn't do anything. not a single thing. so days like that are relaxing in a way, because it's like a vacation... i always said that if i had a vacation, i'd like to do absolutely nothing. but like i said earlier, it also makes me feel like i'm wasting my time in a way... like i should be doing something exciting and worthwhile and memorable. so i have this conflict of interests. and yesterday, the negative got the better of me. i just felt all upset with myself for being so lame and boring, and i huffed and puffed around the apartment, feeling like my life was in the shitter and i wasn't exerting enough positive impetus to make things better. hence the lyrics on the top of the page... from the smiths' classic "how soon is now?" that's one of the songs that kristie got me hookd on freshman year... and it's kind of like my own personal anthem of perpetual yet undesired solitude and ineffectualness. but anyways... oh well. i'll just have to take that emotion and see where it goes. i gotta jet. i'm taking adam out to lunch because he got me this job here at greenfield. toodles. |