| 13 dec 2001 weird. so parts of my left eyebrow are going bald. if i look in the mirror, that eyebrow is noticeably thinner than the other. quite an odd affliction, if you ask me. it makes me wonder if it's because of the rash above my left eye, and when i rub it, maybe it's taking off the eyebrow hairs. i also have a couple of grey eyelashes on my right eye. last night, i fought and fought the urge to resist playing halo. and fortunately for me, i won. i'm a wimp. when i play games, i have this vertigo when it comes to the possibility of me dying or losing the round or whatever. i hate losing. well, if it's a loss, i don't mind, but in most games, if you die or something, you just have to start over. and it's that starting over that really bugs me, because it's like i'm forced to repeat my efforts again for an uncertain victory. it's a form of torture. yes, i do worry about it too much, and yes, i do know it's just a game. i like what clare wrote yesterday in response to my musings about kristie... or rather, the quote she gave... "jeanette winterson once said that no matter how many times you love and fall out of love, you will never forget your first, because when they leave, they leave behind a scar on your heart that will never again heal." i abhor the term "scarred." i refuse to think that i'm fucked up and still pining or whatever. but i think i still talk about kristie because she _was_ a big part of my life for a while. hell, i'll talk about all my ex's and women who cross my paths because they all mean something to me. (as long as they don't blow up and de-friend me, *grumble*) but anyways, i do believe that the first love leaves a huge imprint on your life simply because it was the first, and it seems that that time around, with the lack of expectations (or conversely, with the world of expectations), things just seem so much bigger and more poignant. that said, i _was_ bored yesterday after heading skimmed through my technical documents, so i went on the web and found a picture of kristie on tv. neat-o! it's definitely rather surreal... she looks familiar, yet she's so different, blah blah blah. i'd post the picture, but then again, then you guys would know who she is. i also found this discussion board, and they were talking about hot public figures, and kristie's name came up. how amazing. that blows my mind, how someone i know is relatively "famous." cool! i said months ago in this journal that sometimes i dream about being famous. recognized all over, or at least by a decent number of people i've never met. like i could walk into a coffee shop, and a small hush would befall the crowd, as they whisper, "THAT's dardy chang!" it's not a big fantasy or anything. but i do think it would be cool to experience. the closest experience i got to that (that i can remember off the top of my head right now) is when we were in ac dec, and we went to state and nationals, and people know who we were simply because we were from j. j. pearce high school. we had won nationals like four times before in the past 7 or 8 years, so our reputation definitely preceded us. it felt good to be respected. maybe it felt even better to be feared. :) poor jay. he's sick. i told the office manager that i would stick around the office for dinner (i wanted to meet some more people), but jay called and said he was sniffly and wanted some pho. i told him couldn't make it, but after thinking about it, i decided to join him for dinner. and afterwards, we grabbed some balls (i got pearl milk green tea, which was disgusting), and headed home. i wanted to play halo with jay, but i also wanted to watch _dawson's_. i was about to tape the show and play, but jay went straight into his room and slept. man. it must suck to be sick and be a doctor, because you have to get up at insane times and fight through the malaise all day long. definitely can't coast as a doctor, and that's another reason (besides my ridiculous squeamishness) why i could never go into the medical profession. no basketball today at teralogic. so that means that i got to have lunch with some of the coworkers. we went to togo's. i tried the new "calzone" sandwich, and it was pretty forgettable. and the people i sat with talked about EMI (electro-something migration). pretty geeky topic. i had nothing to say, being completely ignorant of the topic. then, we talked about television and tivo, and i was able to chip in some bits of conversation. i dunno. i'm still looking for some people i can hang out with on a similar level. oh. the other day i dreamt that i had a boyfriend. this blonde kid. now i don't know if i should be scared or something. i'm not really concerned about the homosexual aspect of it, but the pedophilia aspect of it really bugs me. but anyways, it's not like i had any lust for this kid, but i just really loved him and wanted to take care of him. maybe it's a paternal instinct played out in a slightly warped dreamscape scenario. but anyways, that was that. my parents were really upset with me in the dream. and last night, (after having watched _dawson's_) i dreamt that i was kissing joey (katie holmes) and i finally figured out why she broke up with pacey. it was like some incomprehensible reason like, "he could be strong, but you didn't need that strength" or some bullshit like that. and she nodded, and she said, "you understand me!" and we kept kissing. i dunno. i think that one stems from the fact that i still don't know the reason why joey and pacey broke up last season. it seemed like they got into that one fight during prom, and suddenly they were split up. but the weird thing is that i dreamt about katie holmes because i distinctly remember last night while watching the show that she didn't look very good. and i said to myself, "how come you had a crush on her? she's not very pretty here!" mallory made a comment that i might find a best friend, or even the love of my life here at greenfield. HA! finding a soulmate at a tech company is a notion that i sort of laugh at... but it's the kind of laughter that pairs together the ridiculous idea and the disappointment that it's ridiculous. get it? i dunno. when i was considering working at cisco, i had these little fantasies of going to the company cafeteria, and as the crowd parted after i paid for my food, SHE would be sitting there. at least there's a chance at a big company like cisco. but at a startup, fuggedaboudit. write me an e-mail! now that i have a fast internet connection (after being on dialup for six weeks), i check my account incessantly... and it's incredibly disappointing because my mailbox is invariably empty 99% of the time. *sob* |