| 31 aug 2001 "can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance five-hour phone conversation the best soy latte that you ever had... and me" here is a picture of my desktop yesterday (click on the pic to get a larger view) eric did a little magic for me yesterday so that the people following that link at my company will see a screen of me working hard (unix windows with me coding), while the rest of you will see THREE AIM windows popped up. did you see that shit? THREE AIM windows (rita, amms, and eric). holy shit man. do you SEE how little screen real estate i have left? how the fuck do you expect me to do any work like that? shit... so basically, because of what i just said, i nullified all the cool wizardry that eric pulled, because the whole POINT of it was to make people at work believe that i've been working hard and stuff. HEY! for you work people, i'll say that i eventually kicked them ALL off AIM (just go and ask them), and i sat down with my sodas and stuff and coded up a storm, and i finished my stuff, so there! of course, i continued to check my yahoo! mail, and the girls started this whole flurry of irresistible e-mails that i just had to reply to. monster pups, penis creams, pie holes... all sorts of shit was thrown around. *sigh* it's a fucking conspiracy to get me fired, i tell you. so i'm not as bothered about the NY trip as i was yesterday. in fact, i wrote yesterday's entry not really being _that_ bothered... i was just airing out my _worst_ fears possible, because they were floating in my head all throughout the night before. i may be bothered easily by stuff, but i don't usually stay that way. i guess i have a lot of defense mechanisms and stuff that prevent me from dwelling on shit that i can't control. i'll have my little self-detonation sequences, and then i'll be fine. shit. i tried calling karen last night, but she wasn't there. she's left for michigan already for the long weekend to see her grandmother. there are times like these when i just want to hear her voice. lucky me, though, she did leave me number in michigan, so maybe i'll call her up this weekend. dude. my cubicle neighbor chi-kai's girlfriend is awesome. (she's hot, too, and i hope he doesn't find out i said that.) every time i lend him one of my dvd's, his girlfriend setsuko makes me a treat. today, it's this GIGANTIC plum tart. yum. i gotta go find a fork so i can eat it. i have bad news. my TS is starting to affect my behavior. it's starting to hurt A LOT, and what that basically does to me is that it prevents me from moving freely. i know that sounds weird. but the gist is that i'll just sit there and not move. i'll like freeze up a bit, and during that time, what i'm mulling about is whether or not i should tic or not. once i tic, i'll be fine for a short while, but the reason why i don't want to do it is because it fucking hurts. it's a really painful process to go through repeatedly and constantly, so i just try to get through the day without moving much, which is kind of impossible, right? shit. i dread the fact that i might revert back to my TS-dominated days. i don't remember how long i lived like that; it must have been like years. now that i've experienced what life without TS is like, i can't fathom how i survived those years and not killed myself. argh. it seems that the latter part of the years are always really bad for me... three years in a row now. last september, i was in a horrible state; i remember because that's when i went to portland with jo-ann, and during the taiko concert, i was pretty much freaking out. is it possible my TS is seasonal? *ponder* if it is, does that mean i have to endure FOUR MONTHS of this shit before i get better? so i've told you guys that i'm on haldol. i'm gonna think about upping the dosage after i consult with my neurologist in a few weeks. did you know that nicotine makes haldol more effective? that's the stupid excuse i make for myself when i smoke... i justify it because i'm supposedly combatting my tourette's with the aid of cigarettes. hah. that's pretty dumb. i was chatting with clare yesterday on AIM, and we were talking about being dominant vs. submissive in bed. and i told her that i'd much rather be submissive, and she asked why. i thought about it for a while, and i came up with a few reasons... first, my parents never really raised me as a person that's about taking. i grew up not asking for much at all, not expecting much, so i guess i'm just not used to a situation where i'm actually allowed to get everything i wish for. and another thing is, i'm too concerned for the other person. i'd be like, "are you tired? do you really want to do this? am i making you uncomfortable?" stuff like that. and then, i think it's more exciting to be the submissive one... ...because if you're just demanding all sorts of kinky shit, you know what you're gonna get. there are no real surprises. like, if you ask someone, "bite my ass!" you know what's going to happen next. you get a set of teeth clamping on one of your asscheeks, and then you have to deal with that weird kinky pain, annoying teethmarks left on your skin, etc. but if you're being told what to do, it's like constant surprises because you never know what crazy shit you're going to be doing next. and the biggest reason why i like it is because i'm pleasing the other person. that, to me, is probably the biggest turn-on. i am NOT saying that i want to be a sex slave. it's just a statement that given the choice of being dominant or submissive, i'd choose the latter. i have this weird reaction when i get up too early... i puke. so apparently, by what i just did in the loading docks a few minutes ago, my 10 hours of sleep weren't enough. thank god the weekend is coming up. and a LONG weekend at that! i swear, if i were a bear, my favorite part of life would be hibernation. so august is over. two thirds of the year has gone by. it hasn't been a good month. frustrated and hot and stressed in japan, jet-lagged to hell, crappy writing, lack of work productivity... it's time to wipe the slate clean and start september on a positive note. "adventure without risk is disneyland" |