| 30 aug 2001 "step one: collect UNDERPANTS! step two: ??? step three: PROFIT!" i was gonna post up a cool pic for you guys (the hair on the counter, heh, eric) but when i got home last night, i was overtaken with the inspiration to go to sleep at EIGHT so i could get my 10 hours of slumber and get to work by 6.� why?� because i don't any fucking work when i'm at the office!� AIM has basically ruled my life.� yeah, i shouldn't complain and just go out there and get some self-control, but hey... given the choice of working or chatting with your friends... what would YOU do?� it's a no-brainer, i say! i've told eric some crazy shit.� stuff that few (if any) people know about me.� i wonder sometimes why i feel so comfortable letting him in on all that stuff... maybe it's because i know i can trust him, and maybe it's because i know he might be able to relate.� anyways...� yeah.� i'ts cool. i got my wedding invitation from alex yesterday.� i was a little frazzled because jay got his a while ago, and i was like, "what the hell?� we both live in the SAME place!"� but anyways, alex's wedding extends my drawgroup buddy's annual wedding streak to three years... and next year's slot is already filled by dave and carolyn's.� damn.� this group is getting married off in a flash... it's like an epidemic!� we'll see whether jay or i am the last one to go, because with alan's inevitable engagement, we'll be the last two standing. so.� while i was trying to sleep at the ridiculously early hour of 8 last night, i should have known that with my fucked up sleeping schedule, there was NO way i could have fallen asleep.� as expected, i tossed and turned for FOUR FUCKING HOURS because i finally went.� yup.� what a waste of time.� i could have finished my book in that time.� damn. ----- but i was consumed by fear.� yup.� fear.� fear of my trip to new york.� i am dead fucking afraid of what might happen.� basically, i realized that karen is the ultimate (the last and the greatest) possibility in my life thus far of achieving a cosmic relationship.� she is the last bastion of hope of me being with a stanford girl (i have a stanford fetish, remember?).� and she is my favorite girl on the planet.� so if it somehow turns out that i realize it wouldn't work out between us, i think i'll kill myself.� or rather, a big part of me will die. i guess i've explained it, but i feel like there's so much more to say.� how i mesh with karen will basically be a HUGE test of my beliefs and my faith.� faith in my own judgment, because for the past six years or so, i've proclaimed that she fits me best.� that she is one of the people who i can see myself absolutely blissfully happy with.� i've subconsciously put a lot of weight into that statement and supposition, so if i'm wrong... a huge portion of my belief structure in relationships and my own ability to judge them will come crashing down on me.� and i won't be left with much.� it'll pretty much turn my relationship landscape into a fucking wasteland. in the years i've been single ever since i met her, i've always said, "yeah, karen and i aren't that close, BUT... there's always the future.� things _might_ work out with us."� my friends can attest to that.� it's been this thing _way_ out there that i've always leaned on for comfort... it's been something to hope for and something to look forward to... but now what?� the future is NOW.� it's coming up.� it's just over a month away.� and i am scared shitless. part of my chat with william the other day: choccoboXX: but i've always liked her choccoboXX: and the fate thing... is just that i believed for the longest time that we'll eventually end up together choccoboXX: like destiny choccoboXX: i have a funny feeling about karen, though.� like we won't be able to avoid each other choccoboXX: that every other woman is just a distraction from the goal of her choccoboXX: she's the only cosmic thing i have in my life right now ?!!? pretty heavy shit, right?� i wonder if i'm just massively horribly deluded.� but anyways, there's just a lot of pressure on the whole situation, so i'm starting to feel its prologue shaking my bones and my pessimism freaking me out. *shrug* no use worrying about it too much.� there's constructive thought, and there's destructive thought.� i know that this is destructive thought.� but i'm definitely into being aware of my problems.� i hate being blind and ignorant. ----- fear is a horrible thing to live with.� it puts limits on our own capabilities.� it paralyzes us, keeps us from functioning with our full dynamic range.� what the hell is the purpose of fear?� how did it come to be a necessary emotion?� what, to keep us from doing stupid things?� to make us cautious?� it might be a useful emotion to have if you're in fighting in a war or something, but what's the point of fear when it comes to relationships?� in this scenario, fear is an incredible detriment... it puts us at an initial disadvantage.� how the fuck are we supposed to try wholeheartedly if we're hampered to begin with?� shit. ----- i am so tired.� i keep thinking about that douglas coupland quote i had earlier... "you are exhausted by risk" i am a pretty wimpy guy, so i don't take risks that often.� i don't like the idea that i will be going through a situation in which i may end up either really happy or really fucked up, because i just don't believe in the goodness of my karma.� i'm a weird paradox of having crazy faith (like this karen thing) and having no faith at all (eternal pessimist).� like i said, wimpy!� did you know that i almost gave up on kristie?� one rainy night, i donned my big blue coat, walked all the way to the quad, just stood there in the rain, and practically decided that there was no way i could capture kristie's heart.� god damn.� *shiver*� be a man! argh. no use fighting the future.� this trip with karen, this test, had to come sometime, right?� better now than later, i guess.� it's time i stopped living this silly fantasy and found out the truth.� what's ironic here is that i've been tortured for so long... by a _good_ fantasy.� how is that?� how many people can say they've been haunted by a fantastically wonderful idea? i booked my tickets to new york yesterday. "if you think back, and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted." |