| 28 aug 2001 "take me as i am this may mean you'll have to be a stronger man" SWEET ASS MOTHERFUCKER. we got baseball shirts today! from the company! it has my name and employee number (75, good number) and everything! and it's in XL! i'm fucking stoked. wish i could get a picture of it. so on _jackass_ this past sunday, they had a sperm bank segment... where the guys visited the local bank and competed in three categories... time to expulsion (the winner got his load out in 5:50), volume, and potency (sperm count). it's something i'd be interested in doing with my own friends (not that they'd agree to it). not that it's totally guy-bonding (guys are a little reticent about the topic of masturbation), but i think it'd be fun. you think? i think the little room they went into didn't have any porn... because that'd be a little unfair if the porn aroused some of the guys more than others (like lesbian action doesn't really do anything for me, honest!)... but damn, i would have fantasized about that nurse that was taking the samples... she looked like liv tyler. not that i really like liv tyler, but i do admit she's hot. she's got those pouty fellatio lips. *drool* my personal time record is around two minutes... (which isn't good news if i was with a girl, heh), and my longest is like over an hour and a half. and that's all i'm gonna say about the topic. i swear, sometimes i should just shut the fuck up. but i know you guys love this shit. remember when i puked my kimchi noodles out on the loading dock? well, the next day, when i went out there for a smoke, i noticed... the noodles were GONE! i bet some cat or birds of something ate them all! ewwww.... driving home yesterday, i let this woman in a cute convertible merge in front of me. the only reason why i noticed her was because she waved thanks. i'm all about doing that. i like letting people in, and i feel really happy when they give me that hand gesture. i'm big about giving it back, too. but anyways, i noticed she was driving an alfa romeo spider, and her license plates were "ALFA GRL." cool, huh? so i want to talk about beauty. and what happens to me when i behold a girl who is just smoldering in beauty. i appreciate a good looking woman as much as the next testosterone-filled guy, and i get two reactions... my first desire is a selfish one. i get the urge to capture the beauty. to make it my own, to catch it in my net, and put it in my pocket so that i can take a peek any time i want to. it's like a similar impulse as to when i see a fabulous silver jacket hanging beautifully on a coat hanger. what do i do? i buy it. i make that shit MINE. all mine. but, the second reaction causes concern. because i know that in many cases, beauty changes when i come in contact. beauty stands by itself. it is independent, and it has no regard for me. so when i get involved, it changes. and more often than not, it morphs and mutates and eventually just wilts. and that bugs me. i think one of the secrets to relationships is giving beauty enough space to flourish on its own, and yet be close enough to develop something personal and special. a huge problem with kristie and karine was the fact that our relationships started off in college. and i believe that college settings cause for accelerated relationships, because the 24/7 thing is totally possible, and there is just too much potential for suffocating each other. in that kind of smothering environment, i think couples try to mesh with one another way too quickly, to the point where the "selves" are lost easily. i remember when kristie and i broke up, one thing i said over the phone (i remember that scene all too well) was, "being with you made me into a person i didn't like." ouch, huh? i think that statement was utterly condemning on kristie's effect on me. she made me civilized. evolved. she made me something i should be, but something i didn't want to be at the time, because, frankly, i was a fucking freak of nature. and that makes me wonder... how often do we fall in love with somebody not because we love the person as is, but because of who they _can_ become? to put another way, how often do we like the person for their _potential_? it's dangerous shit, that is... because what you're basically doing is that you're going to try to change and influence that person. and what you might find out in the end is that some of us are inflexible. unyielding. we are who we are, and we can't be "fixed." we're incorrigible. those who try to change others are saying that they believe in their power of persuasion, that they are somehow bigger than the other person. it's just a form of pride and egomania and self-aggrandization. the most beautiful couples i've seen (like emi and shoji) are ones where the two people coexist without much change to their core selves. they don't have to act much differently, and they accept each other's differences with sincere happiness. that said, i still believe that the crux of making a relationship work is how well the two people compromise. i just believe that there shouldn't be too much compromise. relationships are on my mind lately. stuff is happening around me that i can't really talk about. but yeah, shit both good and bad is flying around my head. yeah, it's drama, but no, it's not mine. ack. i've written all i wanted about the notes i took in this past day. adam says that i've seemed depressing and sad these days. is that true? i do think my writing hasn't really flowed that well since i came back from japan. but i'll have to tell you guys that my TS hasn't been behaving very well ever since my stressful tourguiding days in japan. i actually called my chiropractor today and set up an appointment for tomorrow. so what if my insurance isn't gonna pay for it, and it's gonna cost me $40 a pop each time i go in. my health is worth the money, right? hm. my neck and shoulders are killing me. fuck these tics, man. so, when was the last time you beheld beauty? stuff that made you just shiver and quiver (right, michael? heh heh) they say "beauty is everywhere," but i dunno. i would be inclined to say that i might beg to differ. or maybe, i'll just argue that sometimes, it's not as easy to find as that quote suggests. all i know is that i don't find myself floored by beauty as often as i'd like. oh. one last thing. remember when i made a cryptic message about changing the letter on my bathroom mirror? so, i'll tell you guys about my little ritual. basically, when i take a nice hot shower, my mirror mists up, right? so, after i dry myself off, i write a letter or two...and those are the initials of the girl that i think about. so basically, for you really dense folks out there (just kidding!), the letter 'A' was changed to something else last week. presto! so no more amms drama. but i hope that now we can actually work on being friends rather than this awkward "ooh, dardy publicly likes you" kind of weirdness... and no, i'm not telling you guys what the new letter is. and yes, there is _ALWAYS_ a letter up there. it's just how i function. "right when i first saw the pictures, i was like 'damn. that's a perfect looking woman if i've ever seen one.' and i told myself to never look again" |