| 24 aug 2001 "hello allison i wanna hold your hand i haven't been the same man since i saw you comin' in let's have a toast to the girl in aisle 10" if i decided to name my daughter allison (which is a name i like), i'd change the spelling to alyson. or something like that. i was on my way to jeremy and kate's last night, and after i parked, i had to walk a short distance to their place. these days, because my neck is really sore from ticcing, i look at the ground when i walk because it hurts to raise my head. this man in the corner lot was roaming about his yard, and when he saw me, he told me to look at the sunset. i looked up, and it beautiful. lots of purple and pink clouds. i had my camera with me, but too many houses obstructed the view of the complete sunset. alas. i had another music buying inspiration yesterday. before i headed off to j&k's, i stopped by tower (i'm so glad i live close to tower). i picked up 3 cd's: the best of the cowboy junkies, the new crystal method, and scapegoat wax. the last band mentioned sings the allison song i just quoted. funny thing, though. as much as i like a song that i've heard on the radio, my liking for it immediately goes down a few notches when i buy the cd. maybe it's because i know i can now listen to it whenever i want to, so that whole aspect of anticipation is lost. my first quarter at stanford during freshman year, i found a cd store on university ave., called cd land. i biked there at least once a week, and i wound up spending something like $908 there in one quarter. i went nuts. my rate of accumulation was about 100 cd's a year while i was in school. i think i've grown out of my old music, but i kinda miss it. being happily immersed in my cd's and always having a cd playing no matter what i was doing. music was one of the constants in my college life. now, i don't spend enough time in my bedroom to even play one cd through all the way, but i figure, if i start reading again, i'll always read to my music. i had a beautiful rant prepared for you guys today. i was thinking about kristie and the reunion scenarios again, and i suddenly just got really pissed. like RANTING pissed. i was tempted to get up and write right then, but it was like 1am, and i needed my sleep. basically, the whole gist is that i was thinking about kristie and karine, and how they both are people who wanted to rush their growing up process. meaning that kristie, for example, has achieved a level of professionalism at such an early age, and my whole theory about why she has dumped all of us early college friends is because she feels like we're not important enough in her professional life. and my old beef with karine was the fact that she's a fashion victim. her and her $700 gucci dress and $350 prada shoes and stuff like that. i just didn't understand why a girl in her early 20's needed to be so image oriented and associated with haute couture. what's the point of trying to grow up so fast? once we finally grow up, we'll stay grown up for the rest of our lives. and the sad thing is, young people try to look all grown up, but they forget that most old people spend fortunes trying to look young again! what do you think the cosmetic industry is BASED on? i do thank both of these women for helping me grow up myself. i know i can't stay a kid forever, but at the same time, i wish they had (or rather, still do) have time to be young and silly. not afraid to make mistakes. not afraid to laugh about themselves. (this sounds like an inspirational writing from rita!) while i'm a little more jaded and cynical these days after working for 4 years, i still think that somewhere down there, my core is still the same old goofy self that i've always been. heh. especially the way i dress. i don't own a single black banana republic article of clothing! so... fuck growing up. for now. i think one of the things that attracts me to amms and karen is the fact that they're basically the same age as me, and they both still seem young and untainted in a way. it's not some sick teenager virgin fetish (you fucking twisted pervs), but more like the fact that i appreciate that they're still naive in a way. they're not totally jaded by life just yet. and even though it may be a problem trying to match my cynical side with their current set of expectations, i think i'd be glad that some of their youthful outlooks could rub off on me and slow down my own aging process. if you haven't seen _harold and maude_, i suggest you go rent it. i have the dvd, so you can borrow it from me. i had dinner with j&K, jan, and jan's friends sandra and chester last night. (i barfed up some of the spicy tuna sushi i had in the middle of a street, though.) jan is another gavilan freshman dormmate. she used to go out with my best friend alan, and she used to be pretty much best friends with kristie. so that's how we're related. anyways, she was visiting from michigan, out here for a friend's wedding. i think both of us feel a bit of peer pressure because basically all of our gavilan friends are getting married. on the girl's side, another one of her gavilan drawmates (nicole) just got engaged recently, and that's in addition to another drawmate (carolyn) finally setting a date for her wedding with dave next year. i think jan got a little flustered because she ordered a large bottle of sake. and she's not really a drinker. i dunno. i think i pissed her off a bit when i told her i'd make a wager with her to see who's the last one to get married. i really think i'll be the last to go. i'm younger than my college friends, and it doesn't bother me that much. but i can see how it can get uncomfortable (which i've been before) when you go to a social outing, and all your friends have their spouses with them. like in _sex and the city_, you can be viewed as some sort of freak, a leper. *shrug* we all have our own paths. it'd be so much worse if you force yourself to get married if you're not ready just so you can fit in with your friends. fuck that. there's only one reason to get married... because that other person is IT. strangely, though, (i forget exactly when), but last night, while i was driving somewhere, i decided that i'd actually be ready to get married right now. of course, IF all the circumstances were right for me. back when karine and i were together, i told her sister that i didn't feel like we were ready to move in together. apparently karine found out and got pissed. maybe she was ready. i dunno. or maybe she thought my lack of desire to live together meant that i didn't love her enough (bullshit). but anyways... that realization that i _thought_ i was ready for marriage kind of bugged me. because i'm 25. shit. i know a lot of people get married at this age (like college couples), but to me, it's still early. my parents got married around my age. or at least, i know that they HAD me at the age of 25. now THAT's early. (FINALLY. an entry that is gonna get out a little early in the day.) "i like anna-louise. we feel natural around each other and i hope this is enough. i get exhausted thinking there must be more." |