| 23 aug 2001 "-we should try not kissing for the WHOLE day! -why? -i dunno... just to see if we can -dude... that's stupid" a little quote from my personal life. heehee. sorry if this is cryptic to you guys, but i decided that since this is MY fucking journal, i am still going to record stuff here that i might not want others to know just yet. so... 1) histrionic. spats. 2) long shower and lots of thinking. changed the letter on the bathroom mirror mist. ok. anyways, last night, i met up with the online crowd (usual people, minus adam), plus bill and pat. i was bitching about games to adam and rita earlier in the day, simply because i suck at games, and i'd rather not make a fool out of my narcissistic self. oh, by the way, cool fucking license plates, rita! but anyways, i admit that i have a horrible attitude about life sometimes. all throughout japan, emi's family got exposed to my bitching and moaning about not wanting to see botanical gardens and temples and stuff. they were like, "dardy, you're the tour guide with the bad attitude. you take us to places and then complain about them." whatever. but scrabble was cool, though, despite the fact that my ability to create words is pretty pathetic. i teamed up with rita, and we managed to come in next to last. amms pulled fucking "QUASI" out of her ass for a triple word score. 45 points! fuck me. during the whole game, i was like telling rita, "dude. i can come up with 14 points." or "i see a place where we can get 12 points." very very weak. and amms gets 45. (we _almost had aioli, rita!) eric's not bad, either, at scrabble. there really wasn't any competition with the rest of us. i kinda wanted to head off to fry's with eric because he needed a graphics card, but the scrabble game preempted any chance to chill with him one-on-one. too bad. and dude! during taboo, i got stuck with MEATLOAF. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to say "bat out of hell" but i didn't know if that would just fuck up the train of thought of my guessers. grrr. but anyways. no pictures for me. rita has some pics in her site. including a very unflattering picture of me. wah! my family never brought me up on games. i think we had othello, and that was about it when i was growing up. it was always studying, piano, and reading. i think maybe being an only child for so long (my brother is 10 years younger than me) had something to do with it. so i played with a lot of blocks and legos and other solitary-minded toys. but no board games or card games or stuff like that. so my games repertoire is virtually nonexistent. with the exception of emi's family's freak obssession with speed scrabble, last night was the first time i was exposed to the game. i asked, "can i spell the words going up?" "no, you dumbass!" heh. and that's why i hate playing games. because invariably, when i do something, i want to do it well. which reminds me. i'd like to get my tennis back. i've kind of given up on getting really good at basketball because it's too violent. i've broken my finger, been banged around a lot, sprained my ankle... if i tear my ACL or something, i'll be fucking PISSED. so tennis is safer for me. my only really good party trick was back when i could just rip out chopin's revolutionary etude. that's about it. but i can't do it anymore; haven't touched a piano since graduation. anyways... that was the night. i went home, and watched the end of _southpark_ with jay. and i read a few more chapters on _the book of laughter and forgetting_. honestly, as much as i love kundera, the book SUCKS so far. and i'm 100 pages in. there's none of that insight that he had in _the unbearable lightness of being_. ah well. but the reading is fast enough that i'm gonna finish it anyway. oh, and that orbital album i was listening to... it finally got better, on the 10th track. kinda late to salvage the album, though. william is a punk! i'm giving him a hard time today because he showed up for basketball (he's the organizer), and after one game, he bails. he claims, "i have to go to the bank." what the fuck? you can't go to the bank some other time? shit, dude. i swear, it must be some midday drug deal or something that he has to go to. why bother dressing up for basketball if you were only gonna play one game? ridiculous, i say! heh. i'm giving him a hard time. i told him i would bitch about him in my journal, so i just did. in a totally unrelated subject, he just pseudoquoted somebody, "sometimes people exist best in the minds of their admirers." very true, will. good timing on that quote. i couldn't sleep until 3am last night. i even took nyquil at midnight. ack. that's the latest update on my circadian hell. one thing that scares the shit out of me... old age. being in japan and seeing emi's 80-something grandparents struggle with walking so much (and especially maneuvering up and down stairs)... it really made me sad. old age can be so crippling, and that's not even considering all the ailments that are possible. it's sad to see something who used to be so radiant and vivacious be reduced to a withering shadow of its former self. like amms says, it's something that i fear my parents will go through. ack. it makes me wonder about the idea of suicide at the age of like 65-70 for myself (or whenever i'm too old to be independent). so nobody has to be burdened with taking care of me when i'm all fucked up and pathetic. would i want to live if i knew i couldn't do the things i wanted to do? when i had to rely on a walker or a wheelchair and eat food with false teeth and wear depend undergarments because my bladder control is nonexistent? *frown* i don't think i've made my peace with life just yet. life, in some ways, is still (as my friend once quoted from somewhere), a sexually transmitted incurable terminal disease. HAHAHAHA. isn't that nice? i wasn't planning on getting all bummed out and stuff. i'm still chipper. gonna get my dr. pepper and take my post-lunch smoke now. dinner with jan tonight! yay! (more on her tomorrow, probably) "-did you SEE the size of his BULGE? -well, he's wearing a CUP. -honey, his cup runneth OVER!" |