| 22 aug 2001 "no you're not going to find me today downtown baby leave me alone 'cause there's nothing to say i'm living in the penthouse basement boy stay away" ack. i just puked in the loading docks. kimchi noodles. you can actually see the noodles strands! ewwww. must mean i don't chew enough. i had a nice long chat with michael just now. he rang me up on AIM. it was a nice evenly balanced conversation. i think i feel a little bit of kinship with him because we're both kind of psychologically imbalanced, heh. he's got whatever he's got, and i've got my tourette's and all the baggage that comes with that. one thing that these new online peeps don't really see or know about me is my tourettic self. they haven't seen me in my full-blown ticcing mode, since most of it's controlled by my psycho pills (haldol, 1mg/day). although, in the past few months, ever since i stopped seeing my chiropractor, it's been getting a little worse. coincidence? i don't know. maybe. maybe not, which is what i fear. michael has told me that we are similar, in the way we think and stuff. i think we write differently, but i've been curious ever since in just how we're similar. we seem to understand each other and our train of thought, so that's cool. hm. for the first time since i've gotten back, i remember my dreams! i popped my nyquil early last night, around midnight, and i slept a good 10 hours or so. yay! my dreams weren't very comforting though. my dad was being belligerent and demanding that i get smarter. and the way to do that, he argued, was to get off haldol. you see, haldol is a dopamine blocker, and it just dulls my brain. i really do believe that haldol is the reason why i can't focus at work, and more importantly, the reason why i've become such a dull dumbass these days. i've been on it for almost a year now. so in my dream, i screamed and ranted against my dad's proposal. i remember yelling, "do you really want me to suffer through my tourette's all over again? you'd rather have a fucked up son who seems 'smart' to you rather than the normal self that i've discovered recently? how dare you!" heh. dream drama. i also remember him forcing me to leave stanford or something and to go to another foreign school or something. while i was packing my favorite clothes in my suitcase, i remember that i was totally sobbing. i don't think i've ever cried in my dreams before. but anyways, i'm glad that at least i got to dream. it makes sleep more interesting. i hope that next time, i won't have such traumatic ones, though. romantic dreams are the best. heh. i'm such a fucking loser. :) one thing that michael and i both agreed on was that writing in our journal kind of saps the creative writing juices for other things, namely e-mail for me. i'm just horrible at replying to e-mail and writing interesting ones these days. messages uses to stay at most one day before i zipped off a reply blitz, but now they fester in my inbox for like weeks. it's like all my words and my writing impulses get used up writing these entries. like i told my friend joy weeks ago, i've sold out! i've sold out my individual e-mail friendships for the sake of writing to a larger audience! how sad. people have been giving me kind words about what i write about. about how it's very honest and personal and whatever. but as i keep maintaining this journal, and i become more aware of the issues of not alienating other people or pissing them off... i wonder how long i'll be able to stay this way. and the thinking goes... if i develop a "persona," as opposed to this current mode of just reporting everything i think, then i'll inevitably start hiding away certain things. how sad! so i think i'm going to dare myself into giving you guys an update on what i think of amms. ha! revelations! so basically, i've done a few e-mails in the beginning, and a decent amount of AIM chatting, but i've only met her a paltry three times in real life. so there's a huge imbalance there. i feel like i know her like the way the would know an actress... i see her behind this huge screen (the internet)... reading her journal entries, logging hours of mundane chatting. but... no real-time or real-life interactions to speak of. you might wonder if i am highly dependent on "real-life" dealings. i am. but, that doesn't mean i have to see the person all the time. i don't think i do. but i do need stuff like deeper forms of communication (i.e. e-mails), or faster forms of communication (i.e. phone). the whole reason why i've kept up with karen (for instance) for like SIX years even though she's in houston now is the fact that we used to e-mail each other for years, and now we're developing a phone relationship. so back to amms. the gist is that i still don't really know who she is. the journals give us a sort of a packaged view of a person... selective tidbits of the persona that is put out there. not quite a full-blown holistic view of the person. so it all boils down to the fact that while i find amabelle strikingly beautiful on the outside, but i still haven't found a reason to _really_ like her on the inside. need more datapoints. ack. wasn't going to write about that today. or anytime in the near future. *grin* i'm not censored yet! (when will i ever learn?) do you guys out there know that my life is actually very boring? maybe you know that already. then why the hell are you guys still reading? ha! sure, most of my journal is about my thoughts, and they may seem intriguing and stuff, but man. i swear. those of you who say you don't want to start a journal because nothing happens in your life should take a look at me. my roommate jay would attest to the fact that i'm a fucking loser. which reminds me. i don't think coral is the biggest bitch on _real world_ anymore. nicole is. UBERBIOTCH. hot damn. that whole outkast ticket thing... gr~~~ so, according to the gay test, i am 26% gay. average guy is like 40%. i thought i would wind up much higher. i think there are some really attractive men out there. not that i would do anything with them, but i'll admit that they're beautiful. my current hottie? taye diggs! damn! i think that gay men should teach women how to give head. one of my friends who is gay said that gay men give the absolutely best fellatio around. and i believe it. when you have a penis, then you'll definitely know what to do with another man's dick... because you'll know what feels bad, what feels good, and feels superfucking good. and following that same train of thought, i'd invite any lesbian out there to teach me how to give a woman absolutely SPELLBINDING head. spellbinding i say! all righty-o. this one came out kinda fast. i'm excited for dinner. yup. indian food. word. one last thing... i checked the current planned attendees for the stanford 5th reunion... kristie's name isn't on there. sigh. |