| 21 aug 2001 "just one more fight and i'll be history yes i will straight up leave your shit and you'll be the one who's left missing me" holy assfuck i'm tired. i've been getting up earlier and earlier, but i'm still falling asleep at 3-4am every day. and for the past three days, i've taken nyquil shots to help me sleep. somebody tell me if this stuff can get addictive, because i don't want to be hooked on the stuff. i was so close! let me start from the beginning. after jack left (he came over to get some pointers on getting a start in online journalling), i went to take a dump, and for the first time since i was like a kid, i took a book with me. i decided that i should start reading again, and i picked out milan kundera's _the book of laughter and forgetting_. (i was in a huge kundera phase the summer after freshman year.) wow. nostalgia. reading on the dumpster. yeah. so after i finished up in the bathroom, i moved to my futon. i popped in my the orbital cd i bought in japan (which really sucks so far), and just read in bed. and i fell asleep! yes! i finally had found something induced slumber! unfortunately, after i got up, brushed my teeth, took my daily psycho pill and turned off the lights, i was wide awake again. damn. so close. to going to sleep at a normal hour. this past sunday, i called my mom up. she asked me if i had a girlfriend. and i said no. and then, she explained to me, "dardy, you don't _have_ to find a stanford girl!" HAHAHA. i'll admit, for the longest time, i've had a stanford fetish. *shrug* but i never told my mom about it, i think... how did she know? i played basketball for the first time in about a month today. only 3 games to 7 points. i was pretty out of shape, though. huffing and puffing and stuff. during the shootaround warmups, i actually found that my shot wasn't too far off, despite the long hiatus. but the motion feels all different now. william noticed that i now shoot more with my arm rather than my body, which i guess may be a good thing because i'll have a quicker release. after we finished, i talked to will for a while. we mulled over the ability to have deep conversations with people. i think that will and i are opposites because i think i flourish in personal revelatory-type chats, while he's really good at standard smalltalk stuff. which i really suck at, which is why you'll see me wallflowering at parties and mingling events and such. but yeah. when i try to get into a person's thoughts, i call it "digging." and the last time i conscientiously dug someone, it was jo-ann while we were in portland. and i wound up falling in love with her. geesh. the portland taiko fall concert is coming up in early september. it's already been a year since i took that trip with jo-ann up there? wow. time fucking flies. last week, when i walked into the lab, a coworker said something like, "hey, so your ass is all clean now, eh?" i did a mental double-take, and then i realized... dude! he read my journal! you know, that whole bidet/toilet combo i found in niseko! heh. it's weird when i realize during unexpected occasions that people are reading. uninspired! that's how i feel right now. i need some lovin' drama. *rummages around* damn. can't find any. where's the juice when i need it? the 5-year stanford reunion is coming up for me. of course i plan on going, and i'm hoping we have a little freshman dorm reunion. honestly, though, i don't really care about a lot of the people who i lived with, but there is one person who i really want to see. of course, it's kristie. i doubt she'd show up, though. according to a friend of mine who went to graduation this past year, her sister was listed as a graduate, but kristie was nowhere to be found. those of us who were her friends (before we got defriended) think that she really wants to forget her stanford years. why? well, mainly because of me, i guess, which is something that i feel infinitely guilty for. i was such a malevolent bitch to her... i have the feeling that if i had an ounce of maturity, kristie would still be among us as our friend. i think it's amazing that one person (me) could cause so much destruction and anguish. grrrr. but if i did see her, i'd ask her to go on a walk with me. and i'd ask her, "why did you disappear?" i'd apologize for being a dick, and we'd both agree that we were too young and maladjusted for each other. but that there _was_ some magic that we once had. but now we've moved on. i'd drive her back to wherever it was she was staying, and she'd do something that was just pure dardykristie... she'd ask me to play one song from one of the cd's i had in my car. i'd think for a while, and then i'll pull out _kelly's locker_ by sarah cracknell (after all, it was kristie who introduced me to saint etienne in the first place), and i'd play "home." no real significance there, except that it's a peaceful, slightly melancholy song that would be good bgm for us to part on. *sigh* i so want to be friends with her again. not so much because i want to get back together with her (i had my romantic closure when i wrote that entry in may (?)) but because i want to feel like i did something to make her happy in the end... because i left her in such a wreck... i want to do something good for once. i think my good karma needs it. by anyways... that fantasy about how we'd meet at the reunion... so that's the shit i think about when i'm trying to sleep. i come up with scenarios and stuff, and i just play them out in my mind. i swear, i need some kind of tranquilizer at night so i'll stop doing this kind of stuff. so far, nyquil has been it, but... i dunno. i feel weird taking cold medicine to help me sleep. when i talked to karen on sunday, i told her that my personality disorder test turned up as me being histrionic (among other things). and she said, "dude. if you're histrionic, i might like you less." i found that funny, for some reason. can you tell i'm damn tired? hardly any capitalization today. i just don't feel up to it. the shift key is quite a strain. *yawn* why am i so tired? well, physically, there are obvious reasons, but mentally... ah! here is one of my favorite douglas coupland quotes which taps a little into my state of mind: "you are exhausted by risk" |