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| 20 aug 2001 "i said hallelujah to my sixteen loyal fans" osiris!� that pic is the last one i took of my japan trip.� after a brief reunion of a decent number of stanford taiko alumni in hakodate, one by one, people had to leave, and we four (from left: gwen, emi, me, shoji) were the only ones left.� this was taken at tokyo station, on the train platform for the narita airport express.� shoji doesn't quite look too comfortable resting his elbow on my shoulder, does he?� heh.� i guess i look a little tall among this particular group of friends. i found that osiris t-shirt at marukami sports, a streetwear shop in harajuku, which is like the young people's shopping mecca.� i pretty much hyperventilated when i saw it, because i've been looking for osiris stuff for like FOREVER.� i'm just glad that they had a t-shirt in XL, because you know, the japanese are kind of small people, so you don't see XL that often in small shops. in a way, it worked out well that i found something new to wear on my last day, because i had to rotate through my 5 shirts THREE TIMES during the trip, and i didn't get/want to do laundry.� but the really disgusting thing is that those green abercrombie paratrooper pants were worn every single day, so i'm just glad they didn't seem to smell that much from all the sweat that i excreted.� not to mention the fact that i had to reuse my socks and underwear for a couple of days as well... ah, the downfall to trying to pack light! last night was the first sunday back in the states in probably NINE months that i didn't talk to emi.� there was a distinct time yesterday that i just felt really sad that i probably won't hear her voice until she comes back to the states, which is like over a year into the future.� shit.� i loved my chats with emi!� *sigh* so yeah.� i'm glad she's happy, though.� she had a really hard time during her 8th science teaching stint down in LA, and i know that being reunited with her love (shoji) will do nothing but infinitely brighten up her life.� like i said before, she and shoji are so good together that it's sometimes sicking. i noticed that emi has probably the most beautiful hands i've ever seen.� and they're so expressive!� she uses them well when she talks, and it's just mesmerizing when i watch them in movement or just plain resting. yo.� i woke up at 4pm yesterday.� yup.� still fucked up royally by my jet lag.� i snoozed for 99 minutes exactly today before dragging my ass into work at noon.� at least that's a 4 hour improvement.� but i feel like shit. at least the office carries dr. pepper again. saturday night, i got a huge panic/depression attack while i was trying to sleep.� i just felt like i had no fucking idea what i was doing with my life.� the job, the lovelife, the interests and passions and hobbies... even television!� everything was just unfulfilling and getting me down.� things seemed kind of pointless, and i just wondered why the hell i was even on this planet.� and the thought evolved to the question of who would give a shit if i wasn't here.� you know?� i think the massiveness and anonymity of japan in my recent memory just reinforced the idea that honestly, the world would be absolutely fine if one random person just vaporized into thin air.� life just seems just futile sometimes. somewhere, in the midst of all the madness post-graduation, i seem to have misplaced my self-motivation.� where is it... i got over that soon enough (sleep always makes me happy), but i'm still feeling really blah.� VERY blah.� i can't imagine what it would take to make me feel all giddy and excited again. i haven't played basketball for about a month.� i hope my shooting isn't horrible tomorrow. and i talked to karen (reminder: favorite girl) last night for a while.� we're planning a vacation together!� i hope it works out, and i hope i actually have enough vacation hours in october.� (october will be quite hectic... possible trip with karen, 5th year reunion at stanford, and alex's wedding)� but karen and i are thinking of visiting new york, maybe.� which should be fun.� the only problem i have is my mental fixation on the fact that new york is a dangerous place.� i know, too much tv and movies and stuff.� but given the choice of being stranded at 3am in a random place in a) tokyo or b) new york, i'd take tokyo any fucking day. it was interesting when karen mentioned my journal and the times when she pops up in them.� she's a lot more private than i am (apparently), because she said that she gets a little scared every time she comes up in them.� and, she told me that i wouldn't be allowed to write anything about the trip when/if it happens!� ha!� i wonder why... ...because there are some funny undercurrents in the way we interacted last night.� with all my talk of how we may be fated to end up together, i wonder if it's actually started to make its way into karen's head.� she mentioned last night that if we do get together, that she'd want me not to mention our personal lives in my journal.� and during that whole "no journal entry about our trip" thing, i had the feeling that she was about to say "if something happened."� hm.� we'll see.� no use mulling over stuff until it actually happens, right? she's an asian with a slight southern accent.� how cool is that? i am hoping that we talk more on the phone.� i know she wanted to upgrade us from e-mail friends to phone friends, and in light of emi's departure, i think it would be rad if karen became my new sunday conversationalist.� her voice just relaxes me. i often complained about my impatience with life and how painful it was to wait and see what was going to happen.� emi used to always tell me that i just have to make little landmarks in the near future... like a small event here, another event there... as ways to pass time comfortably.� so far, this year has been chugging along decently... with notable happenings every once in a while, paced and placed at good intervals... so now, what's next?� well... ...i can't wait until october. "it is always easier to quote others than to speak for oneself, easier to use shakespeare or sinatra than risk one's own sore throat.� born into language, we necessarily adopt the use others have made of it, involving ourselves in a history that is not our own." |