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| 15 aug 2001 "hey love... i am a constant satellite of your blazing sun... my love... i obey your law of gravity..." i've missed listening to my vienna teng cd while i was away. that's a picture of me at the daibutsu (big buddha) in kamakura, which is southwest of tokyo.� yeah, my hand is a little blurry, because the picture was taken while i was in the act of posing.� after reading eric's little advertisement of the rule of thirds of whatever it was called for taking pictures, i made everyone who used my camera take pictures according to that rule.� yay! i can't eat right now.� i was gonna to get some lunch, but it's like 6am in japan right now, so i'm totally not hungry.� oye vay.� oh, and the great debate about japan was whether i would lose weight.� you know, because it's so expensive to be full over there, and because the portions are too small.� i mean, there was one time when i had two dinners in one sitting because i was hungry... but that just winds up costing a lot of money. so the verdict: i lost 5 pounds.� so i'm at 173 or so right now, and that's not such a bad weight to be at.� we'll see if i can stabilize at this weight from now on. so michael writes me in an e-mail alluding to the fact that he feels a bit of kinship to INFP's.� well.� i wonder.� what is the big deal about personality tests?� why do we like them?� why do we feel bonds to people who are similar to us?� why do we identify strongly with these kinds of quantifications?� people like saying, "oh, i'm a _this_, and i'm a _that_"� i am no different, but sometimes i think... aren't we just pigeonholing ourselves by labelling ourselves with these personality bins?� aren't we SO much more than our categories? i mean, there is no such "i am XXX" statement that can even come close to describing who we are.� labels are useful for giving people an idea of who we are, but... it falls vastly short of giving more than just a smidgeon of a vague first idea. i caught up a bit on _the real world_ last night.� what the fuck is wrong with nicole?� basically, her argument against malik is this: "you have an afro.� you wear malcolm x t-shirts.� you claim you are a brother.� yet you date outside your race.� you haven't even had sex with a black woman yet.� therefore... you are a poser, and i don't respect you."� ???� WTF?� holy hell... she has something wrong wired up in her brain.� what does having pride in your own race have anything to do with dating outside your race?� ugh. i HATE the way she and coral argue.� i don't know if it's a "black" thing (i won't get into racial stereotypes), but basically, when those girls argue, they just emphatically say whatever it is that's on their minds, and the worst thing is... they stop listening to the other person.� and that's a complete and utter sin to me.� it's impossible to deal with.� when you stop listening, there isn't really a _point_ to fighting anymore.� fighting is about communication and flushing out your differences and trying to understand each other.� what they're doing is just being selfish and immature.� BITCH, is all i can say. ok.� someone shed some light on this for me.� japanese porn.� the last two nights in tokyo, we stayed at the kanda station hotel, one stop north of tokyo station.� i bought a tv card for 1000 yen, which gave me one day's access to the porn and sports channels.� (my theory is that sex and sports are universal, so everyone knows what's going on and can enjoy the stuff despite the language barrier.)� anyways, there were two times when some guy was fingering the girl, and liquid just spewed out of her vagina all over the place! now.� what is that?� can somebody help me out here?� i know about the g-spot orgasm, and i've seen it firsthand, but i knew nothing about the a woman being able to splatter the stuff all over the place!� i mean, it was like a water balloon blowing up!� help!� i'm ignorant! the most common word moaned out by the girl in japanese porn is "itai."� which means "painful."� and i find that just sad.� first, sex shouldn't hurt.� but i doubt it's actually hurting her.� i think that japanese men find it sexy somehow that they're hurting the girl.� maybe it's a sign of a tight vagina, harkening back to the idea of having sex with a young virgin.� but still, i think it's wrong.� bastards, they are.� you're not _supposed_ to be harming the girl, stupids!� dumbasses.� pervs.� hentai! i realized today that i'd be dreadfully scared of dating amms.� i won't get into the details or specifics about how i came to this conclusion, but i'd just be scared that things would be going great (you know, honeymoon phase), and suddenly, a seed of doubt would creep into her mind, and suddenly, WHAM-O!� she'd dump me on the basis of "it's not meant to be!"� heh.� it's hard to fight a person who believes in fate andonce things are deemed not to be "right," there's no way to make things good again. that's not to say i don't like her.� or even that i wouldn't want to give it a shot someday.� but i just think that it'd be really frightening.� i'd always be petrified of her just shutting down suddenly.� i hate that feeling of vertigo when you're fighting with your significant other, and you realize that _this_ might be the time when he or she finally decides that it's over.� it's a paralyzing fear.� and with amms, i think it wouldn't even take a fight for her to close the door.� it could happen ANYtime!� egads! doom.� definitivity. i wonder about the word "indefinite."� and how many things we can honestly say are "indefinite" in our lives. even during our friendship phase of massive e-mailing with kristie, there was one e-mail where i mentioned to her that i could just feel that someday, our friendship would be over.� and something would happen to destroy what we had.� that time was "definite" with us.� and she agreed.� i don't think i ever forgot that notion, that we weren't going to last forever.� i think it made our relationship tragic.� in one letter she sent me, she made this little collage out of magazine strippings that said, "so often, two people fall in love who aren't supposed to."� fucking tragic! but i bring this up because i wonder how long i'll have this journal.� how long i'll keep writing.� it's become a good friend of mine, and i've grown to love writing here.� but these journals come and go.� and honestly can't say that i can picture myself writing, say, five years from now.� maybe it's still in a novelty phase, where i'm kind of pleased that i'm meeting these cool people through my writing, and where i am still getting a thrill of being an exhibitionist. how many things are indefinite?� what lasts? at the end of freshman year, i was in charge of putting on the gavilan dorm slide show.� it must have been a few hundred photographs long.� and i set it to music.� it was one of my favorite achievements, because i relish the opportunities to become a historian (like writing this journal) and adding my own personal touches (like my music).� i used music from meat beat manifesto ("hello teenage america"), talking heads ("burning down the house"), primal scream ("loaded"), stone roses ("mersey paradise"), and they might be giants ("fingertips").� i timed certain pictures to fit the lyrics.� it was grand.� genius! in the middle of it, i included a montage of the 9 dormcest couples that resulted that year, including me and kristie.� and the music that played during that segment was edie brickell and the new bohemian's "circle."� right when the first dorm couple picture appeared on the screen, she sings... "everything is temporary anyway..." |