aug14_01

14 aug 2001

"and before we talk of any repentance, try walking in my shoes..."

50% success.� found my tare panda... ixnay on the square watermelon.� my friend kris said that he saw one in hokkaido.� but alas.� most people that my japanese-capable friends talked to had no fucking clue what the hell a square watermelon was.� so there.

if you blow up the picture above, you can see how much that big tare costs.� roughly, it's about 100 yen per dollar.� so you tell me if it's worth it.� ha.

the plane flight was a big pain in the ass.� the problem is, i can't sleep on the plane, so i pretty much have to be up the whole time.� each way, i watched four movies to pass the time.� i was praying that i didn't have to resort to watching _sweet november_, but instead, i had to settle for _crocodile dundee in los angeles_.� fucking puke.

i don't feel jet-lagged at all yet.� i got back at around 4am japanese time, and what did i do first?� i hopped in my car and drove to work.� yup.� before you say i'm a tool, let me explain.� i was sick of japan.� i wanted something familiar.� so my car was it.� i miss controlling my own destiny as far as my locomotion goes... in japan, it was all riding in vans, trains, and busses.� so wanted to drive my own ass.� and plus, i missed my car.� did you know her name is kendra?� (my car's name)� anyways, besides, i wanted to check e-mail and catch on some journals and stuff, so work was the place to go.

it was cool, because i got to chat with steph, rita, and eric for a bit on AIM.� and later that afternoon, when i gave myself a sanctioned 4-hour nap, adam called.� i was completely disoriented when he called, so i think i wasn't very coherent on the phone.� i think i told him i got in at 4pm, which was completely wrong.� i got off the plane at noon.� sorry adam!

don't take it personally, but i got tired of people asking me how the trip was.� i know, i know, it's _the_ question to ask.� but i'll just settle it here in my journal.

basically, the trip seems like a dream during a night of restless sleep.� i got no relaxation and real joy out of it, which is a damn shame because it was a long and expensive trip.� i was stressed the whole time in tokyo, because i basically felt like the caretaker for the 8 family members that were in the entourage... i translated menus during meals, figured out which trains to take, where to navigate in the busy stations... as i walked out in front, i constantly turned back and did mental headcounts.

the most upsetting moment was when we arrived in tokyo and took the yamanote line to meguro station.� basically, in the middle (at shinagawa), a shitload of people got on the train (it was rush hour.)� and then, at meguro, we pushed our way out, but as we looked back, i saw the two 80-something grandparents stuck in the back.� the train music was playing, signalling an impending door closing, and soon enough, they closed.

that's my biggest fucking nightmare... having clueless people stranded on a train.� i almost shit in my pants.� but luckily, emi was still on the train, and she took the grandparents to the next station, and they got on the reverse train back.

but anyways.� that was a microcosm of what my trip was like.� just constantly worrying.� guess what?� my tics are worse now.� my neck really hurts, and i've started developing a vocal shouting thing that is REALLY annoying to me and everyone else around.� i am praying i settle down, because this really sucks.

earlier during the trip, i decided i was borderline bulimic.� because i'd been throwing up so much.� and i knew it was psychological.� after a meal, i just felt like i HAD to yack... just a little bit, and then i immediately felt better.� scary shit, huh?

i told dj that outside the hotel, and he didn't believe that i could force myself to vomit without sticking my finger down my throat or something.� so i demonstrated for him.� heh.� i just stood there over a patch of grass, heaved like three times, and WHAM-O!� a little omelette-sized of gack flew out and landed nicely on the grass with a little thud.� (we had just had russian food at dinner, so it was a lot of creamy shit).� funny thing was, we just both started laughing hysterically.� it's such a weird disorder!� self-induced regurgitation?� how UNNATURAL is that?

but anyways, i'm better now.� the only time i barfed in the last week or so was due to some bad tea or something.� i drank a lot of caffeine in japan... i'm surprised i didn't pass out from dehydration or something, because i was either drinking cola or tea the whole time.

bulimia.� *shiver*� they say eating disorders are caused by the feeling of not being to control your own life.� that makes me wonder... what is wrong with me?

when i first got to tokyo, i thought it would be awesome to take my guy buddies out to japan and just hang out for a while.� but then i realized that it would be a complete was of money to go all the way out there to drink and go clubbing... you see, my idea of "experiencing" a culture isn't to visit the museums, shrines, and historical shit.� it's basically hanging out among the people and getting a sense of the social vibe of the place.� but, then again, if all i wanted to do was drink and hang out, i might as well do that in the states.� what's the difference?� no need to spend thousands dollars to head to japan.� i guess i wanted to hang out with my friends because i missed them... with exception to dj, i didn't hang out with any other guys the whole time.� which felt really odd and depressing.� and the other thing that i liked about japan was that nobody needs to drive.� which is completely not the case in most places in the states.� i hate the idea of having a designated driver who can't enjoy drinking while everyone else is getting toasted.

the biggest fucking shame of all is the fact that i have no good stories to tell of japan.� i mean, there was that hostess bar thing.� (jay insists that much seedier shit goes down in back rooms at those places... i wonder...)� i wanted to find some strip clubs and stuff... but you know... language barrier and all.� i did find a massage parlor, or i think i found one.� and i got really excited... all day long i thought about checking it out at night, but then, i just got a little apprehensive because i would have no idea how to communicate there... yeah, i know you probably just go in, pay an exhorbitant amount of money, and have sex with some nasty-ass skank; the language of sex is universal, but... i dunno.� i just didn't have the guts.� i'm such a fucking wuss.

hm.� i wonder i am fully capable of having sex simply for the sake of sex.� you know, detaching all emotion from the physical act.� i was _this_ close to heading out to the massage parlor on saturday night, but... as time went on, the excitement just turned into a sick feeling.� it's really weird.� i have mixed feelings about the whole "sex for lust" notion as opposed to my standard "sex for love" paradigm.� i do think that what people do with each other is completely fine as long as it is consentual on both sides.� so that means i'm fine with stuff like prostitution or ticket scalping or other illegal stuff like that.� but... while i have no objections to it, i don't know if i can participate myself.� maybe it's a good thing.� *shrug*� i don't feel like thinking about it now.

i feel bad that the family kind of knows that i wasn't really enjoying myself.� that's a big problem with me... i am pretty transparent with my emotions.� there were a couple of distinct times in remember during the trip where i tried to pep up and psyche myself up and be happy... but i just couldn't.� i can't fake my emotions.� maybe that, too, is a good thing.� another *shrug*.

oh, and michael, by the way, i did get a pack of seven stars charcoal filters.� they were not bad.� one of the cigarettes was particularly harsh near the end, but yeah, they were pretty good.� not FABULOUS, though :)� i'm still sticking with marlboro lights as my standard choice, though.� heh.

and another thing... the entire trip, i kept my watch on bay area time.

i asked rita and eric today on AIM whether there was any drama while i was away.� i have to admit, i get a little jealous when they get together without me.� jealousy is an interesting emotion, isn't it?� but anyways, neither of them had any juicy tidbits for me.� and eric, in an offhand manner, said that _i_ am the one who gets the drama.� is that true?� hm.� i wonder.� i don't know about you readers, but i think my life is pretty boring.� some people who read me have told me that they don't want to start journals of their own because they feel like it'd be boring, but... who really cares?� i think that it's more about what you think and how you write anyways...� oh well.� but yeah.� i crave some drama.

i bet you were wondering when i was gonna mention amms.� she seems to have had a lot of crushes on both ends of the stick.� how neat.� i'm just really frustrated now because she's so goddamn far away for me to be able to hang out with her.� those city people... as much as i abhor the city, i'm jealous of one thing... the fact that they hang out together so much... the proximity is something that i would like.

heh.� the day after i bitched and moaned about her not giving me a story, she wrote me one.� nice.� i like the way she writes.

all right.� i've slept 4 hours in the past 36.� gonna try to sleep now.� hopefully my writing will get better.� i've been away, so cut me some slack, will ya?