| 27 apr 2001 last night, my biggest nightmare in baseball happened.� as shown on sportscenter, a batter hit the ball right into the pitcher's face.� bam!� the milwaukee brewer's pitcher had to get TWENTY stitches in his face.� egads.� yeah, i think about gruesome scenarios because i'm morbid and all that, but see?� it does happen, and when it does, it's nasty shit. oh, and two of my biggest past hollywood crushes kissed last night... yup, winona ryder (my junior year crush) and jennifer aniston (senior year) shared a nice smooch on _friends_.� no, sorry to say, but it didn't turn me on.� i might be one of the rare men who doesn't think lesbian situations are sexy.� i mean, i don't think it's gross, but it doesn't really do anything for me.� it can be intense or tender or whatever, but if there isn't a guy in there that i can relate to, then how am i supposed to get excited?� *shrug* speaking of morbid stuff, i came across this really disgusting website.� unless you e-mail me and really want to know what it is, i'm not going to give out the url... because i regret ever visiting, even though i only peeked at two pictures.� they were both of this 15-year-old boy who got a huge chunk of his leg bitten off by a shark.� disgusting.� the whole site is dedicated to gruesome photos of real-life incidents.� after the two shark pictures, i forced myself to close the window and think happy thoughts.� but still, last night, as i was doing my late evening e-mail check, i actually went back, but stopped short of peeking at some new nasties. i have this kind of compulsion sometimes; even though i hate it, i sometimes scare myself even though i don't want to. like when i am walking along a cliff, i force myself to walk right to the edge and stare at the very bottom, even lean forward a bit until i totally freak out and start to shiver.� and this whole disgusting website thing.� why do i do it?� i wonder if i'm trying to test my fears, and for a while i think i can handle it, but i just get all chicken shit at the end and back off. i don't like being weak.� when it comes to stuff like being squeamish.� (i respect my doctor friends who are able to stomach that whole cadaver dissection thing).� or when it comes to my intense acrophobia.� (skydiving?� no fucking way, dude.)� fear is a strange thing.� is it all truly mental?� or is there a biological reason for fear, sort of like a self-preservation instinct? ----- last night i noticed that i'm out of all my phases.� what i mean is that i always go through phases of getting into stuff.� like my model airplane phase, which lasted for all of like two weeks.� or my academic decathlon phase, which lasted for two years.� my huge gap, hilfiger, and abercrombie shopping phases.� my jo-ann phase.� my san jose taiko phase.� or even my "meet the online journallers" phase.� right now, i'm not in any phase, which means i'm totally bored with life. i think my life right now is really similar to my initial month at my japanese summer internship, when i was just really bored and listless.� yeah, they were both similar too because i wasn't interested in anybody at the time.� but right now, life just reminds me of that grind i suffered through in japan, going to the office every day, but not working at all while being there.� and then going home afterwards and doing a daily reenactment of some routine just to pass time. even this journal thing.� not that i plan on quitting any time soon, but lately, i just feel like i'm trying to get to my 5000 characters and quitting right afterwards.� but you know, it is actually pretty hard to write this much every single day, when my weekdays are pretty much the same from one day to the next.� i tell you... being an engineer provides zilch as far as inspiration and motivation go.� for the most part.� i will admit that i'm itching to start coding again, because that's the only time when i feel like my brain is clicking on all cylinders, and i'm actually enjoying what i do.� but alas, coding is only a tiny fraction of what a chip designer does, and after the code is complete, it's all downhill from there. hm.� today's entry flowed out of my head pretty well.� my big fear is that i'll run out of stuff to day.� because with a life that's not injected by daily happenings and epiphanies, it's inevitable that i'm going to run out of material.� my brain, as hyperactive as it is, can only generate so much stuff on its own. i need some action! *looks around, grinning* *silence* *sigh* |