| 22 apr 2001 argh.� i feel like shit today.� because last night, i saw kokoro, stanford taiko's spring concert.� it was amazing.� professional.� beautiful.� exhilarating.� and although i feel full of pride that i was part of the group in its earlier days, i also feel like i have this big empty burning hole in my heart. i miss stanford taiko.� more than i ever have. the biggest realization was that even though i still hang out with the group, i am an outsider.� i don't belong there any more.� i mean, i stayed up with the group for the past two nights until around 2-3am.� watching practices, talking with the performers, giving them my support and love.� but i just don't fit. but i want to so badly. and this is why SJT hurts so much, i think.� because i want to be part of a group again, and even though i haven't made a positive opinion of SJT yet, i won't have the chance to find out whether it could have been as special as my ST days were. ugh. i didn't say much last night at the post-concert gathering.� i just sat there and watched various gregarious members tell stories.� i laughed with everybody, and i smiled, but deep down i felt like a foreigner.� an observer.� not a participant. i was telling sonya the other night that previously, my #1 activity at stanford was playing the game (a crazy 30+ hour intellectual scavenger hunt), and #2 was taiko.� but now i know that those rankings are now reversed.� because taiko has stayed in my blood even after graduation, and i can say that it maybe runs evens stronger than some of my latter years of actually playing with the group. i feel sick when i think that my nouns page partially defines me as a "taiko player."� because as of now, i have no outlet.� i can't play.� even though i want to.� it makes me feel like a fraud, like i don't deserve that label, although getting that label back is probably the biggest wish i have right now. nostalgia is a dangerous thing.� and i think that my despair is even deeper than nostalgia... because not only do i miss my old days, i also want to have what the current group has... the artistic vision, the affection, and even some of the members.� yes, i'm that greedy.� and yes, it makes me that happy. i've talked before how i miss playing.� but what i realized last night is that i miss the group just as much, if not more.� the whole thing about playing with kris and shoji is the realization of a dream of playing with my good friends.� those friends are what made my experience so beautiful.� with the exception of my freshman year, i never felt so animated and full of life as when i interacted with my group.� i was silly.� crazy.� goofy.� i felt free and safe to express anything i wanted to, and in the adult realm of professional restraint, that freedom is a truly precious thing. up until last night, i had been living my taiko life vicariously through ST.� but after yesterday's spring concert, i realized just how worthless vicarious existence is.� it's empty and useless.� i want what they have for myself.� and the painful truth is that i can't. shit. i an going to make one promise to myself: someday i will perform taiko again.� and with people i love.� i have been petrified of making these kinds of promises, because the lack of a fulfillment would haunt me forever.� but for the first time, i'm going to declare my wish and my intention to make it happen.� it's that important to me. |